Photo removed as my child is stealth.
Wednesday, 28 December 2011
(31) Don't shoot the messenger
Not sure as to what conversations take place between Matt and his dad regards W. Matt once said it wasn't discussed, I find that hard to believe, I know my ex husband too well anything negative and it will keep his conversation going for a few years!
Matt once said that he felt that 'Rach' should tell dad what's going on, this got a little heated between the two of them. I took Matt to one side and relayed the evenings outcome when we had invited his dad round and broke the news. Matt hadn't a clue what had been said as his dad had not discussed it. I asked Matt not to get involved between the two of them.
Will has told Matt that if dad wants to know anything to get in touch with him and he is more than willing to inform him. After the Xmas card was given, Matt said that dad was not happy because he had not been consulted over the name change.
I am really confused... Why doesn't he contact W? Does he want to be involved in W's life? Why doesn't he ask if he is ok when he sees him? Why doesn't he contact me? Why, why, why?
You can't ignore your child for nearly a year and then expect to be involved. Is it me being unreasonable?
My eldest sis rang last night, was really good to hear from her. We chatted about the clinic and how we were coping.
Had a visit from my ex earlier this evening, he read my blog over Xmas and asked if it was ok to pop round to chat. I hope he left understanding a bit more of how I have felt and dealt with it.
He said he was glad we weren't together as no doubt W would have told him and he would have hated the job of telling me! (Coward) :)
Birthday is getting closer, I have mixed feelings. What cards will he have? Will people call him W when we gather for his meal in the pub?
Its such a special day and his 21st should be memorable, I hope for the right reasons.
Matt once said that he felt that 'Rach' should tell dad what's going on, this got a little heated between the two of them. I took Matt to one side and relayed the evenings outcome when we had invited his dad round and broke the news. Matt hadn't a clue what had been said as his dad had not discussed it. I asked Matt not to get involved between the two of them.
Will has told Matt that if dad wants to know anything to get in touch with him and he is more than willing to inform him. After the Xmas card was given, Matt said that dad was not happy because he had not been consulted over the name change.
I am really confused... Why doesn't he contact W? Does he want to be involved in W's life? Why doesn't he ask if he is ok when he sees him? Why doesn't he contact me? Why, why, why?
You can't ignore your child for nearly a year and then expect to be involved. Is it me being unreasonable?
My eldest sis rang last night, was really good to hear from her. We chatted about the clinic and how we were coping.
Had a visit from my ex earlier this evening, he read my blog over Xmas and asked if it was ok to pop round to chat. I hope he left understanding a bit more of how I have felt and dealt with it.
He said he was glad we weren't together as no doubt W would have told him and he would have hated the job of telling me! (Coward) :)
Birthday is getting closer, I have mixed feelings. What cards will he have? Will people call him W when we gather for his meal in the pub?
Its such a special day and his 21st should be memorable, I hope for the right reasons.
Tuesday, 27 December 2011
(30) Boxing Evening
Not much to post today... Had another lovely evening, much calmer than Christmas Eve, think we had eaten too much and were suffering food coma's!
My eldest sis should have been there but didn't make it, I was gutted as I have not seen her yet since the hormone jab and feel like I need to share it all with her, she has been so supportive and understanding it's through this sis I am writing my blog.
Conversation was focused on other stuff so a night off from being a Transsexual bore. Will accepted he would be Rach at times and he made no issue about it.
I've now got the 21st birthday to sort.
I have booked a table for a few of us, we will have to meet up at lunchtime as it's New Years Eve and Will and Sophie will be off out in the evening. I told them it was for my son's 21st. I have invited my aunty, I hope it all goes ok with the name situation as it will be embarrassing for us if people refer to her as Rach. Hopefully when we sing Happy Birthday people may feel more at ease with calling him Will.
As for present buying he had no idea what he wanted, but as it's Matt's 18th in April, I am taking them both to Benidorm for 3nights all inclusive. We are going the day after Matt's 18th he can then have his first legal pint, god help me!
My eldest sis should have been there but didn't make it, I was gutted as I have not seen her yet since the hormone jab and feel like I need to share it all with her, she has been so supportive and understanding it's through this sis I am writing my blog.
Conversation was focused on other stuff so a night off from being a Transsexual bore. Will accepted he would be Rach at times and he made no issue about it.
I've now got the 21st birthday to sort.
I have booked a table for a few of us, we will have to meet up at lunchtime as it's New Years Eve and Will and Sophie will be off out in the evening. I told them it was for my son's 21st. I have invited my aunty, I hope it all goes ok with the name situation as it will be embarrassing for us if people refer to her as Rach. Hopefully when we sing Happy Birthday people may feel more at ease with calling him Will.
As for present buying he had no idea what he wanted, but as it's Matt's 18th in April, I am taking them both to Benidorm for 3nights all inclusive. We are going the day after Matt's 18th he can then have his first legal pint, god help me!
Monday, 26 December 2011
(29) Christmas...
Love Christmas eve. Each year my youngest sister invites us around, it's madness. Her youngest child still believes in Santa, so it's magical. Plenty of food and drink, hyper children and the chance for the family to get together.
My aunty asked me immediately how Tuesday had gone, she is still finding it difficult to get her head around the whole thing and was alarmed at the hormone process. People seem to think that a course of injections and it's all sorted, the expression on peoples faces when I tell them its every 3months for the rest of Wills life!
Later on my youngest sister called me into the kitchen, she was a little tipsy. She put her arm around me and Will and told me how proud she was and amazed that I had come through it all as I had been a cow at times to Will, I did argue with the cow point and until it happens to her she can't knock my reaction! This did become a bit tearful as she went on telling me how proud she was. Will cried with me as that is what happens when I get upset. I told my sis to stop as I find it hard to cope with people being sympathetic towards me, she told me I need to let my barriers down and accept sympathy as I can't keep doing this alone.
During the evening every time somebody called Will Rach, he replied by saying whats my name? I could tell my elder sister was uncomfortable with this.
Sophie's mum was collecting her from our house, I had not met her before but knew of her as she had been a lecturer at a college I use with my students.
Sophie's parents have no idea that Will was ever Rach, they have accepted him as male, even given Sophie the don't get pregnant chat. I asked if she was going to call in for a coffee, she did. I knew this was going to be cringeworthy for Will incase I slipped up. It all went well I used the correct pro nouns, it was quite easy but then again I was under pressure.
Christmas Day...
Santa had been. Will was still in bed, how I wish for the days when they believed in him.
I am excited I still buy all surprise presents. I couldn't wait any longer it's time he was up, I stood at the bottom of the stairs ready to shout him. I shouted Will, how easy was that, I had done it!
Will sat and opened his presents, I had labelled everything with Will on.
Matt came around. Matt and Will exchanged gifts. Classic they had both written to Bro from Bro on the gift tags!
They both went to see their dad together, Will was not bothered, we have the same conversation every year, Will goes to keep Matt happy as he is in the middle living with him! They took their dads card, Will had written from Will, wish I could have been a fly on the wall.
Their dad opened it and just said, 'Matt and Will, who's Will'? Will said, 'Me'. He threw a look at Will, he explained it as a sort of 'whatever' look and he walked away. No hug or peck on the cheek, nothing different there then.
I received lots of Merry Xmas texts off friends and family throughout the morning.
I received one off my ex, he had played a big part in Wills early teen years, as we had lived together, Will had been close to him. I told him that Rach was now Will and sent the blog link. He read it and sent a text saying 'Wow' and offering support.
Off to dinner we went.
On the way I asked Will not to challenge the name situation as my sis was finding it difficult. On the table Will had a place setting with Will written on.
Will was occasionally called Rach but he was fine and took it on the chin. Excellent meal and company.
That evening we sat in front of the TV, the usual load of Christmas night rubbish. Will had asked for a DVD which Santa had kindly left, Boys Don't Cry, it's a true story. We sat and watched it, excellent film but it left me feeling the concern I have for Will living this life with prejudices. Basically the film is of a trans male (Brandon), living a new life, he gets in with a group of people who only know him as male. His female past catches up and he is raped and beaten, then shot. It was set in America 1999. I believe and hope that times have changed during the last 10 years and we are in the UK not rural America.
Perhaps not ideal Christmas night viewing.
My sister has invited us to her house this evening for a buffet, think I should just move in. Most of the family will be together again, up to now its been great, I've enjoyed myself and felt more relaxed with the whole situation. It's good to join in with different conversation as lately I feel like a transexual bore! I need to get out more.
My aunty asked me immediately how Tuesday had gone, she is still finding it difficult to get her head around the whole thing and was alarmed at the hormone process. People seem to think that a course of injections and it's all sorted, the expression on peoples faces when I tell them its every 3months for the rest of Wills life!
Later on my youngest sister called me into the kitchen, she was a little tipsy. She put her arm around me and Will and told me how proud she was and amazed that I had come through it all as I had been a cow at times to Will, I did argue with the cow point and until it happens to her she can't knock my reaction! This did become a bit tearful as she went on telling me how proud she was. Will cried with me as that is what happens when I get upset. I told my sis to stop as I find it hard to cope with people being sympathetic towards me, she told me I need to let my barriers down and accept sympathy as I can't keep doing this alone.
During the evening every time somebody called Will Rach, he replied by saying whats my name? I could tell my elder sister was uncomfortable with this.
Sophie's mum was collecting her from our house, I had not met her before but knew of her as she had been a lecturer at a college I use with my students.
Sophie's parents have no idea that Will was ever Rach, they have accepted him as male, even given Sophie the don't get pregnant chat. I asked if she was going to call in for a coffee, she did. I knew this was going to be cringeworthy for Will incase I slipped up. It all went well I used the correct pro nouns, it was quite easy but then again I was under pressure.
Christmas Day...
Santa had been. Will was still in bed, how I wish for the days when they believed in him.
I am excited I still buy all surprise presents. I couldn't wait any longer it's time he was up, I stood at the bottom of the stairs ready to shout him. I shouted Will, how easy was that, I had done it!
Will sat and opened his presents, I had labelled everything with Will on.
Matt came around. Matt and Will exchanged gifts. Classic they had both written to Bro from Bro on the gift tags!
They both went to see their dad together, Will was not bothered, we have the same conversation every year, Will goes to keep Matt happy as he is in the middle living with him! They took their dads card, Will had written from Will, wish I could have been a fly on the wall.
Their dad opened it and just said, 'Matt and Will, who's Will'? Will said, 'Me'. He threw a look at Will, he explained it as a sort of 'whatever' look and he walked away. No hug or peck on the cheek, nothing different there then.
I received lots of Merry Xmas texts off friends and family throughout the morning.
I received one off my ex, he had played a big part in Wills early teen years, as we had lived together, Will had been close to him. I told him that Rach was now Will and sent the blog link. He read it and sent a text saying 'Wow' and offering support.
Off to dinner we went.
On the way I asked Will not to challenge the name situation as my sis was finding it difficult. On the table Will had a place setting with Will written on.
Will was occasionally called Rach but he was fine and took it on the chin. Excellent meal and company.
That evening we sat in front of the TV, the usual load of Christmas night rubbish. Will had asked for a DVD which Santa had kindly left, Boys Don't Cry, it's a true story. We sat and watched it, excellent film but it left me feeling the concern I have for Will living this life with prejudices. Basically the film is of a trans male (Brandon), living a new life, he gets in with a group of people who only know him as male. His female past catches up and he is raped and beaten, then shot. It was set in America 1999. I believe and hope that times have changed during the last 10 years and we are in the UK not rural America.
Perhaps not ideal Christmas night viewing.
My sister has invited us to her house this evening for a buffet, think I should just move in. Most of the family will be together again, up to now its been great, I've enjoyed myself and felt more relaxed with the whole situation. It's good to join in with different conversation as lately I feel like a transexual bore! I need to get out more.
Saturday, 24 December 2011
(28) Easier said than done!!
After deciding on Tuesday that I would now call her Will, its proving very difficult.
To help me along I will refer to her as Will on each post, I am comfortable with writing it!
I think when other people are around its difficult to call her Will as many people are still using Rach. I don't call him anything at the moment, I know it sounds awful.
Will has had his first boyfriend card, stands proud next to the son one, there is a granddaughter one and his dad sent a daughter card, at least he had one.
Feeling very odd about the whole hormone thing. I had a quiet time on Wednesday and sat feeling sorry for myself, had a little weep, I felt quite lonely I can't explain my emotions. It is a parallel universe I am on, everybody is doing the usual daily things getting on with life, I feel like shouting help, I'm here!! I text my sister to see if she was going to call round on her way home from work but she had too much to do, I text Ruth and she came round it was good to share face to face with somebody how I was feeling.
Had texts and a couple of phone calls off my family but not seen any of them yet, will catch up later when the Christmas madness begins.
It's going to be gradual changes, he took a photo the day after so we will be able to compare changes.
Good news...Letter from Dr Curtis arrived to his GP yesterday, an afternoon appointment was made and hooray a prescription for the next two injections, all on the NHS! Result.
Its taken a year to get this far, hopefully for Will by next Christmas he will be known and called Will by everybody, with male characteristics I'm sure it will be easier for people.
Merry Christmas to you all, all the best for 2012.
To help me along I will refer to her as Will on each post, I am comfortable with writing it!
I think when other people are around its difficult to call her Will as many people are still using Rach. I don't call him anything at the moment, I know it sounds awful.
Will has had his first boyfriend card, stands proud next to the son one, there is a granddaughter one and his dad sent a daughter card, at least he had one.
Feeling very odd about the whole hormone thing. I had a quiet time on Wednesday and sat feeling sorry for myself, had a little weep, I felt quite lonely I can't explain my emotions. It is a parallel universe I am on, everybody is doing the usual daily things getting on with life, I feel like shouting help, I'm here!! I text my sister to see if she was going to call round on her way home from work but she had too much to do, I text Ruth and she came round it was good to share face to face with somebody how I was feeling.
Had texts and a couple of phone calls off my family but not seen any of them yet, will catch up later when the Christmas madness begins.
It's going to be gradual changes, he took a photo the day after so we will be able to compare changes.
Good news...Letter from Dr Curtis arrived to his GP yesterday, an afternoon appointment was made and hooray a prescription for the next two injections, all on the NHS! Result.
Its taken a year to get this far, hopefully for Will by next Christmas he will be known and called Will by everybody, with male characteristics I'm sure it will be easier for people.
Merry Christmas to you all, all the best for 2012.
Wednesday, 21 December 2011
(27) Welcome Will...
We arrived in London around lunch time. Appointment with Dr Curtis at 4.30 then an appointment with the counsellor, Sharon at 5.30. As we had to go to the University College London Hospital for our 5-30 appointment with Sharon, we had time to do a dummy run. Really easy to find so now we could relax a little.
Mmm relax in London on the run up to Christmas, there were literally hundreds of people dashing from shop to shop, we just linked each other so we wouldn't get swallowed up in the crowd.
Decided then to have a McDonalds, not a chance every one had a queue outside of the door, opted for BHS.
We had a couple of hours to do what we wanted so next stop had to be Carnaby St. All in all a good bit of shopping, mostly window shopping of course!! Excellent quality time too.
We arrived at Dr Curtis's clinic with 15mins to spare, chance for a coffee and time to psych myself up.
At exactly 4.30 we are inside his room.
Dr Curtis asked how things were and if anything had changed since the last appointment, nothing to tell him as the private route was still our only option in order for the family Dr to know what to prescribe. Our family Dr will prescribe on the NHS once he has had details off Dr Curtis.
All hormone choices were discussed, positives and negatives...It was happening, this was it.
The Christmas break was going to delay the paperwork and following prescription so Rach asked if he would prescribe the initial one. Within 5 minutes I had left the room whilst Rach had her first hormone shot.
I was very calm and had no strong emotions towards this, I feel now that I want it all sorted so we can get on with our lives, the past year has worn me out.
I now knew that this was the time to call her Will.
Next stop to see Sharon. What a lovely lady, lots of knowledge and experience and had no doubt that Rach fitted the transsexual criteria. Sharon summed the session up and I felt very proud sat there as she said positive things about Rach. Rach is no fool and knows exactly what she has to do.
Lots of chatting on the way home, biggest discussion about her name. I told her I now had to call her Will.
Received a couple of txt messages on the way home, one from my close friend Michele and the other from Mark, I really appreciate this support and concern.
We arrived home close to midnight.
Different emotions now, new beginnings!
Mmm relax in London on the run up to Christmas, there were literally hundreds of people dashing from shop to shop, we just linked each other so we wouldn't get swallowed up in the crowd.
Decided then to have a McDonalds, not a chance every one had a queue outside of the door, opted for BHS.
We had a couple of hours to do what we wanted so next stop had to be Carnaby St. All in all a good bit of shopping, mostly window shopping of course!! Excellent quality time too.
We arrived at Dr Curtis's clinic with 15mins to spare, chance for a coffee and time to psych myself up.
At exactly 4.30 we are inside his room.
Dr Curtis asked how things were and if anything had changed since the last appointment, nothing to tell him as the private route was still our only option in order for the family Dr to know what to prescribe. Our family Dr will prescribe on the NHS once he has had details off Dr Curtis.
All hormone choices were discussed, positives and negatives...It was happening, this was it.
The Christmas break was going to delay the paperwork and following prescription so Rach asked if he would prescribe the initial one. Within 5 minutes I had left the room whilst Rach had her first hormone shot.
I was very calm and had no strong emotions towards this, I feel now that I want it all sorted so we can get on with our lives, the past year has worn me out.
I now knew that this was the time to call her Will.
Next stop to see Sharon. What a lovely lady, lots of knowledge and experience and had no doubt that Rach fitted the transsexual criteria. Sharon summed the session up and I felt very proud sat there as she said positive things about Rach. Rach is no fool and knows exactly what she has to do.
Lots of chatting on the way home, biggest discussion about her name. I told her I now had to call her Will.
Received a couple of txt messages on the way home, one from my close friend Michele and the other from Mark, I really appreciate this support and concern.
We arrived home close to midnight.
Different emotions now, new beginnings!
Monday, 19 December 2011
(26) The night before......
Have kept myself busy, done all the pressie buying and sorted Christmas lunch. We have been invited to my sister's, a load off my mind at least we not going to be sat all on our own, plus there will be 7 of us, so lots of laughs and noise!!Had a good day shopping with my friend Ruth today, love dragging her around the shops she's brill, and it's good to have a catch up.
Gave my two their Christmas cards... Matt had his Sunday afternoon, he asked if I had got Rach a son one too. I gave Rach hers later in the evening as she had been out with S. It was placed unopened on the coffee table at the side of her, I felt a little disappointed but understood that if it was a daughter one I had sent she would have been upset and a little embarrassed in front of her girlfriend. A bit later she went for a shower and took the card with her, this morning it was in the dining room next to her brothers on the unit. Nothing was said about it. I mentioned it to her and asked if it was ok, she was very happy but explained she didn't want to mention it in case it upset me, I was just pleased to have made her happy. We had a giggle because it's exactly the same as her brother's.
What a job that was to purchase, each one I picked up I thought they would compare verses and complain that I favoured one more than the other, I have never had that problem before, I suppose I will get used to it, or I'll just buy 2 of each every year.
Rach received a phone call at about 5pm, the counsellor had to cancel as his father had been taken into hospital, the London clinic appointment was now cancelled, it was no use going as we need the counsellor appointment so the prescription can be prescribed. Gutted! Rach was more concerned about me as I had once again psyched myself up to this, but I was gutted for her. I suggested giving the other counsellor a call to see if she would step in, she could always say no.
Rach called her... Result.
The counsellor agreed to meet even though she only counsels people on Friday's. Otherwise she is a nurse at a Euston hospital. Only issue is that we have to go to Euston after Dr Curtis's appointment for this appointment, thank goodness for the underground!
I spoke to my brother earlier and sent him the link to our blog. I felt like he was being left out, Saturday evening when we had our family get together my sisters were talking about it and I felt a bit awkward as I had not discussed it with him.
Have received a couple of comments on my blog. Very positive, I hope that my journey does help others even though I have a long way to go.
Gave my two their Christmas cards... Matt had his Sunday afternoon, he asked if I had got Rach a son one too. I gave Rach hers later in the evening as she had been out with S. It was placed unopened on the coffee table at the side of her, I felt a little disappointed but understood that if it was a daughter one I had sent she would have been upset and a little embarrassed in front of her girlfriend. A bit later she went for a shower and took the card with her, this morning it was in the dining room next to her brothers on the unit. Nothing was said about it. I mentioned it to her and asked if it was ok, she was very happy but explained she didn't want to mention it in case it upset me, I was just pleased to have made her happy. We had a giggle because it's exactly the same as her brother's.
What a job that was to purchase, each one I picked up I thought they would compare verses and complain that I favoured one more than the other, I have never had that problem before, I suppose I will get used to it, or I'll just buy 2 of each every year.
Rach received a phone call at about 5pm, the counsellor had to cancel as his father had been taken into hospital, the London clinic appointment was now cancelled, it was no use going as we need the counsellor appointment so the prescription can be prescribed. Gutted! Rach was more concerned about me as I had once again psyched myself up to this, but I was gutted for her. I suggested giving the other counsellor a call to see if she would step in, she could always say no.
Rach called her... Result.
The counsellor agreed to meet even though she only counsels people on Friday's. Otherwise she is a nurse at a Euston hospital. Only issue is that we have to go to Euston after Dr Curtis's appointment for this appointment, thank goodness for the underground!
I spoke to my brother earlier and sent him the link to our blog. I felt like he was being left out, Saturday evening when we had our family get together my sisters were talking about it and I felt a bit awkward as I had not discussed it with him.
Have received a couple of comments on my blog. Very positive, I hope that my journey does help others even though I have a long way to go.
Friday, 16 December 2011
(25) Clinic appointment is getting closer...
School closed today for the Christmas break, should be jumping for joy. It's been so hectic this past week I haven't had time to think about our Tuesdays appointment, but now it's going to be calm and quiet I will have thinking time on my hands. Hope I don't go into meltdown mode again.
Not sure what to expect at this appointment, if the hormone is prescribed will it be administered immediately? How long before I notice any changes?
Once Tuesday is over I am going to have to do something about Christmas day, I haven't got a turkey or anything yet. It's going to be a strange one this year, this will be the first Christmas day that it's only been me and Rach. I did ask my brother, his wife and niece if they wanted to join us but he was not sure who was going to his for lunch so he turned me down.
Boxing day will be busier, going to my sister's along with the majority of my family.
I really need to get into the Christmas spirit, going to put the tree up tomorrow, hopefully Rach will be around to help.
Got a family get together tomorrow evening, we going for a few drinks then a curry, looking forward to that as I wont see my eldest sister until after Christmas. Works do next Thursday evening, something to look forward to after Tuesday.
All in all my head still in a muddle, wish I could go to sleep and wake up when it was all sorted.
Got to stay strong, I know it will all be ok in the end.
Not sure what to expect at this appointment, if the hormone is prescribed will it be administered immediately? How long before I notice any changes?
Once Tuesday is over I am going to have to do something about Christmas day, I haven't got a turkey or anything yet. It's going to be a strange one this year, this will be the first Christmas day that it's only been me and Rach. I did ask my brother, his wife and niece if they wanted to join us but he was not sure who was going to his for lunch so he turned me down.
Boxing day will be busier, going to my sister's along with the majority of my family.
I really need to get into the Christmas spirit, going to put the tree up tomorrow, hopefully Rach will be around to help.
Got a family get together tomorrow evening, we going for a few drinks then a curry, looking forward to that as I wont see my eldest sister until after Christmas. Works do next Thursday evening, something to look forward to after Tuesday.
All in all my head still in a muddle, wish I could go to sleep and wake up when it was all sorted.
Got to stay strong, I know it will all be ok in the end.
Tuesday, 13 December 2011
(24) Whats my name, whats my name?
I decided to open up to a very close family friend last weekend... This lady comes to my home about every 6 weeks and has known Rach since she was born, a very close friend of my ex mother in law. She is in her 70s and a big church goer. I have put off telling her as I wasn't sure how her reaction would be and I am very protective of Rach. I thought it was only fair to tell her as she does see Rach from time to time and would definitely notice the changes, I didn't want to cause any embarrassment for anybody...I just came out with it, you could have knocked me down with a feather. Her reply was as if she had been waiting for me to tell her, she was not in the least bit surprised. She also went onto tell me about a family member of hers who had transitioned years ago and how it had split the family!!
I am now hoping that is how everybody will react, it makes me want to tell more people, I need it out in the open so we can get on with the changes comfortably.
I have received more cards many with w inside, it is becoming the norm now. I had a discussion with Rach and explained how I disassociate myself when reading and writing the name and it is just a formality. Rach appeared to understand where I was coming from, we did have a talk about me not verbally calling it her yet. Rach thought that when we had agreed on W I would be fine. I did explain I still see her as female so when the visual changes occur it may help. I said it would be like calling her brother by a female name when he has facial hair and a deep voice.
I also had a lovely message off an old girlfriend of Rach's, offering her support as she is not in the family circle.
She also told me the real reason for their breakup, I appreciated her honesty, she was shocked when Rach told her about the GD and she openly said she would be unable to support her through it.
It must have been a difficult time and I am glad she had the courage to walk away, allowing Rach to go through the transition without extra pressure.
Rach has got a fantastic girlfriend who is there for her and is very supportive, things do turn out good in the end!
I am now hoping that is how everybody will react, it makes me want to tell more people, I need it out in the open so we can get on with the changes comfortably.
I have received more cards many with w inside, it is becoming the norm now. I had a discussion with Rach and explained how I disassociate myself when reading and writing the name and it is just a formality. Rach appeared to understand where I was coming from, we did have a talk about me not verbally calling it her yet. Rach thought that when we had agreed on W I would be fine. I did explain I still see her as female so when the visual changes occur it may help. I said it would be like calling her brother by a female name when he has facial hair and a deep voice.
I also had a lovely message off an old girlfriend of Rach's, offering her support as she is not in the family circle.
She also told me the real reason for their breakup, I appreciated her honesty, she was shocked when Rach told her about the GD and she openly said she would be unable to support her through it.
It must have been a difficult time and I am glad she had the courage to walk away, allowing Rach to go through the transition without extra pressure.
Rach has got a fantastic girlfriend who is there for her and is very supportive, things do turn out good in the end!
Sunday, 11 December 2011
(23) Cards, cards, cards...
What should be such an easy task is becoming a nightmare!
I have Rach's 21st on New Years Eve. To get a decent card I have to buy one in October just before Christmas cards take over the shops, so I have already had the issue of which card to get, Son or Daughter, not an easy task but like I have already said to people it will be a pink, blue and a unisex birthday. This has really knocked the shine of what should be an unforgettable birthday for my first born. Would it be appropriate to put pictures up of her growing up, isn't that what us parents do? Tough decisions.
Yesterday my emotions were challenged, thought I was feeling that bit stronger this week, my aunty asked me a question which my cousin was pondering over...A simple question, 'What should she write in Rach's birthday card as she didn't want to upset me'? I got a little emotional and couldn't talk for a couple of minutes. It is Rach's birthday and told her not to worry about me and for her to write whatever she felt comfortable with.
Today I have been writing out my Christmas cards. Family ones I have put W not Rach, work colleagues have Rach but the ones that know have W, neighbours again a mixture of W or Rach. I still have three children.
I sent my nephew his birthday cards, of course it was from W and Matt. Mid morning I had a text, he didn't know who W was, he does now!! I thought my sis had told him but thinking now she may have told him when she was Zak.
Had a lovely text off my very close friend Mark, he is very supportive and was just checking we were all ok.
Received a card from my good friend Ruth, she did warn me before I opened it that she had written W inside.
I am so pleased that people are acknowledging the name, upsetting at the same time but keeps me in the world of reality and that's what I need.
I have Rach's 21st on New Years Eve. To get a decent card I have to buy one in October just before Christmas cards take over the shops, so I have already had the issue of which card to get, Son or Daughter, not an easy task but like I have already said to people it will be a pink, blue and a unisex birthday. This has really knocked the shine of what should be an unforgettable birthday for my first born. Would it be appropriate to put pictures up of her growing up, isn't that what us parents do? Tough decisions.
Yesterday my emotions were challenged, thought I was feeling that bit stronger this week, my aunty asked me a question which my cousin was pondering over...A simple question, 'What should she write in Rach's birthday card as she didn't want to upset me'? I got a little emotional and couldn't talk for a couple of minutes. It is Rach's birthday and told her not to worry about me and for her to write whatever she felt comfortable with.
Today I have been writing out my Christmas cards. Family ones I have put W not Rach, work colleagues have Rach but the ones that know have W, neighbours again a mixture of W or Rach. I still have three children.
I sent my nephew his birthday cards, of course it was from W and Matt. Mid morning I had a text, he didn't know who W was, he does now!! I thought my sis had told him but thinking now she may have told him when she was Zak.
Had a lovely text off my very close friend Mark, he is very supportive and was just checking we were all ok.
Received a card from my good friend Ruth, she did warn me before I opened it that she had written W inside.
I am so pleased that people are acknowledging the name, upsetting at the same time but keeps me in the world of reality and that's what I need.
Friday, 9 December 2011
(22) Next Appointment.
We are off to London on the 20th Dec. At least it will fall in school holiday time so I haven't got to have time off from school.
We have a much later appointment its at 4pm. Hopefully we will have a bit of time in London taking in the Christmas atmosphere, wish I had money to spare we would both have loved to have seen Shrek the musical, we could have stayed over too and enjoyed some quality time.
Rach has to see Dr Curtis and then a 1hr appointment with the counsellor. Hopefully the prescription should happen too, blood test has been done, results forwarded to Dr Curtis.
Looking good...Well from Rach's point, not sure how I am going to handle it but feeling ok at the moment.
My family have been more open and spoken about it. I have introduced my blog to them, hence the numbers at the beginning of each post, I do have a sis who can only just about switch on the computer so felt like I had to guide her a little. My auntie joined in the conversation and is now aware that she is W, I explained it was after my grandad, so felt a bit awkward but my aunt didn't make any comment, just said she doesn't know how I am coping it is worse for me than Rach and would struggle to call her any other name.
We have a much later appointment its at 4pm. Hopefully we will have a bit of time in London taking in the Christmas atmosphere, wish I had money to spare we would both have loved to have seen Shrek the musical, we could have stayed over too and enjoyed some quality time.
Rach has to see Dr Curtis and then a 1hr appointment with the counsellor. Hopefully the prescription should happen too, blood test has been done, results forwarded to Dr Curtis.
Looking good...Well from Rach's point, not sure how I am going to handle it but feeling ok at the moment.
My family have been more open and spoken about it. I have introduced my blog to them, hence the numbers at the beginning of each post, I do have a sis who can only just about switch on the computer so felt like I had to guide her a little. My auntie joined in the conversation and is now aware that she is W, I explained it was after my grandad, so felt a bit awkward but my aunt didn't make any comment, just said she doesn't know how I am coping it is worse for me than Rach and would struggle to call her any other name.
Wednesday, 7 December 2011
(21) Meltdown over!
I had a good nights sleep after the clinic yesterday. It had been taking me ages to fall asleep on the run up to the appointment, I looked and felt shattered, people were commenting! I had been lying awake and torturing myself with the operation process, I imagined it as a mutilation I couldn't help myself my mind had got the better of me.
I had spoken to all my family regards the outcome of the consultation, my sis had said she couldn't get the operation out of her mind and was glad that it had been put on hold.
It was still a waiting game and I know that my emotions will be sky high once again on the run up to the next appointment.
I am feeling more confident about the whole thing and want to share it with people that don't know. There are quite a few people who are aware, most of the family, immediate neighbours, my close friends but still a few who perhaps need to know.
Rach had decided not to tell her grandad, he is 83 and suffers from mild dementia. Rach visits regularly to do his cleaning and shopping, I'm not sure how he would react but then I'm not sure what his reaction will be when her voice breaks and she has facial hair.
Rach has one paternal uncle but its very rare that she sees him, she isn't bothered if he knows or not, her dad has not spoken to him for more than 20yrs and her uncle would probably laugh as he likes to 'get one over' on his brother, when she disclosed she was gay, he thought it fabulous as her dad is openly a homopohobic.
I had chatted to a colleague at school, I mentioned about telling others but he said to be careful as not everybody is as accepting.
The following Thursday we had our usual briefing at school. The men had been growing moustaches for movember. One of the men had chose not to and appeared in a toupee, he was sitting right next to me. My boss laughed and said he looked like a bad tranny, he then went onto joke about the documentary My Transsexual summer. That comment cut to the core I wanted to walk out but that would have bought attention to myself, I sat through the meeting with a very gutted feeling. I expected my boss to take me to one side after the meeting, but he obviously hadn't realised what he had said, if I hadn't been so emotional it probably wouldn't have affected me.
This was what life was going to be like for Rach, hurtful comments and people thinking it was a joke.
How do I tell my other neighbours? We live in a friendly street and they are going to notice changes. I have thought about sending their Xmas card and just signing it from myself, Will and Matt. I have already began to receive cards they have Rach inside.
Family have spoken about cards as Rach has her 21st on New Years eve, they are feeling uncomfortable about it. I expect its going to be a pink and blue day or very unisex!
I am still finding it difficult to call her W, she is W in my phone and I if I leave her a note I address it to W. I still feel like I have 3children at the moment, as I write this bit I am emotional.
How do I move on, I can't put Rach in my past, even though that would make her the happiest ever.
I had spoken to all my family regards the outcome of the consultation, my sis had said she couldn't get the operation out of her mind and was glad that it had been put on hold.
It was still a waiting game and I know that my emotions will be sky high once again on the run up to the next appointment.
I am feeling more confident about the whole thing and want to share it with people that don't know. There are quite a few people who are aware, most of the family, immediate neighbours, my close friends but still a few who perhaps need to know.
Rach had decided not to tell her grandad, he is 83 and suffers from mild dementia. Rach visits regularly to do his cleaning and shopping, I'm not sure how he would react but then I'm not sure what his reaction will be when her voice breaks and she has facial hair.
Rach has one paternal uncle but its very rare that she sees him, she isn't bothered if he knows or not, her dad has not spoken to him for more than 20yrs and her uncle would probably laugh as he likes to 'get one over' on his brother, when she disclosed she was gay, he thought it fabulous as her dad is openly a homopohobic.
I had chatted to a colleague at school, I mentioned about telling others but he said to be careful as not everybody is as accepting.
The following Thursday we had our usual briefing at school. The men had been growing moustaches for movember. One of the men had chose not to and appeared in a toupee, he was sitting right next to me. My boss laughed and said he looked like a bad tranny, he then went onto joke about the documentary My Transsexual summer. That comment cut to the core I wanted to walk out but that would have bought attention to myself, I sat through the meeting with a very gutted feeling. I expected my boss to take me to one side after the meeting, but he obviously hadn't realised what he had said, if I hadn't been so emotional it probably wouldn't have affected me.
This was what life was going to be like for Rach, hurtful comments and people thinking it was a joke.
How do I tell my other neighbours? We live in a friendly street and they are going to notice changes. I have thought about sending their Xmas card and just signing it from myself, Will and Matt. I have already began to receive cards they have Rach inside.
Family have spoken about cards as Rach has her 21st on New Years eve, they are feeling uncomfortable about it. I expect its going to be a pink and blue day or very unisex!
I am still finding it difficult to call her W, she is W in my phone and I if I leave her a note I address it to W. I still feel like I have 3children at the moment, as I write this bit I am emotional.
How do I move on, I can't put Rach in my past, even though that would make her the happiest ever.
Tuesday, 6 December 2011
(20) 21st had arrived.
We set off for London, I drove as my car was more economical. We had both been to see Noel Gallagher the previous evening so Rach slept for most of the journey, it was a late night.
We arrived in Uxbridge with plenty of time to spare, so far so good no cancellation. At 11.20am we were sitting in the reception area of Dr Richard Curtis's gender clinic, we had 40 minutes to relax and have a coffee. There was plenty of information around the place but none to take away. Drew the receptionist was quite chatty with Rach and it felt a very comfortable place to be.
There were posters on the wall telling people they would be asked to leave if they were discriminative towards their clients, other posters advertising for people to take part in channel 4s My Transsexual Summer.
Whilst we were waiting there were MTFs having electrolysis. The buzzer rang and a MTF came into the clinic to leave Dr Curtis a gift. This bought it home to me that gender dysphoria was a much wider issue than I had imagined, but how comfortable they appeared in this environment.
I was in a calm state although my mind was working overtime, I had to hold it together for Rach.
Rach had been concerned that Dr Curtis may not prescribe if he thought I was against it or said anything that may jeopardise the prescription. I knew I had to refer to her as Will and he etc, I would try my best.
At exactly 12pm the door opened and a client walked out followed by Dr Curtis, we were asked to go in.
This was it, in one hours time my daughter would be having a prescription for testosterone.
The consultation went quite well, Rach was asked personal questions and answered them with no embarrassment of me being there. Dr Curtis asked me questions too, how had I been coping? What support had I received? I felt at ease and was able to answer honestly and not have to worry about any outcome, I was referring to Rach as he, sometimes she but corrected myself quickly. Once again it was a great feeling speaking to somebody who had the knowledge in this field.
Rach discussed next weeks consultation in Brighton, she would need a referral letter off Dr Curtis.
Dr Curtis spoke about all of the options and recommended that she start the hormones and put the operation on hold. What if the testosterone didn't work, would she still want to go through with the operation, we had discussed that Rach's dysphoria was her voice so hormones were at the top of the list. I was quite glad as I would prefer just one change at a time to cope with.
Parenthood had been discussed, the freezing of eggs or embryos. We had many discussions, some heated over the past year and I was upset to think that she would never experience natural motherhood as she has always adored kids, kids also adored Rach they made a beeline to her. I know my opinion doesn't count as it is purely Rach's choice but I felt that doing what she was, she was giving up the right to be a natural parent. How difficult for a child to be born to a mum who is really their dad. I know people have lived a normal life as possible and had children and then decided they should change sex, but Rach was doing it as a single young person she was only 20 and starting her life as a male, Rach did agree and as freezing of eggs would cost money and more importantly time the decision had been made.
Rach had taken all of her paperwork and it was quite obvious to Dr Curtis that she had GD. He would prescribe the hormone but...
New protocol now states that you have to see an independent counsellor before the prescription can be given. I thought it was going quite well.
More money and another trip to the London Gender Clinic.
There were counsellors who used the GD clinic weekly who Rach could see, we were given there contact details, also Rach would have to have another blood test and send the results to Dr Curtis prior to the next consultation.
Consultation ended at exactly 13.00 hrs, documents had to be photocopied which took a while. I was chatting to a couple of trans women in the waiting area, it had been a tough journey for them, it did appear easier for trans men as in passing for male.
We now had the journey home, also another visit to London asap.
I had very mixed emotions, it was becoming so close and reality was hitting me.
I was also thinking that there were lots more people who didn't know, they all knew me with 2 children, a daughter and a son. Who did I need to tell, how would I do it?
We arrived in Uxbridge with plenty of time to spare, so far so good no cancellation. At 11.20am we were sitting in the reception area of Dr Richard Curtis's gender clinic, we had 40 minutes to relax and have a coffee. There was plenty of information around the place but none to take away. Drew the receptionist was quite chatty with Rach and it felt a very comfortable place to be.
There were posters on the wall telling people they would be asked to leave if they were discriminative towards their clients, other posters advertising for people to take part in channel 4s My Transsexual Summer.
Whilst we were waiting there were MTFs having electrolysis. The buzzer rang and a MTF came into the clinic to leave Dr Curtis a gift. This bought it home to me that gender dysphoria was a much wider issue than I had imagined, but how comfortable they appeared in this environment.
I was in a calm state although my mind was working overtime, I had to hold it together for Rach.
Rach had been concerned that Dr Curtis may not prescribe if he thought I was against it or said anything that may jeopardise the prescription. I knew I had to refer to her as Will and he etc, I would try my best.
At exactly 12pm the door opened and a client walked out followed by Dr Curtis, we were asked to go in.
This was it, in one hours time my daughter would be having a prescription for testosterone.
The consultation went quite well, Rach was asked personal questions and answered them with no embarrassment of me being there. Dr Curtis asked me questions too, how had I been coping? What support had I received? I felt at ease and was able to answer honestly and not have to worry about any outcome, I was referring to Rach as he, sometimes she but corrected myself quickly. Once again it was a great feeling speaking to somebody who had the knowledge in this field.
Rach discussed next weeks consultation in Brighton, she would need a referral letter off Dr Curtis.
Dr Curtis spoke about all of the options and recommended that she start the hormones and put the operation on hold. What if the testosterone didn't work, would she still want to go through with the operation, we had discussed that Rach's dysphoria was her voice so hormones were at the top of the list. I was quite glad as I would prefer just one change at a time to cope with.
Parenthood had been discussed, the freezing of eggs or embryos. We had many discussions, some heated over the past year and I was upset to think that she would never experience natural motherhood as she has always adored kids, kids also adored Rach they made a beeline to her. I know my opinion doesn't count as it is purely Rach's choice but I felt that doing what she was, she was giving up the right to be a natural parent. How difficult for a child to be born to a mum who is really their dad. I know people have lived a normal life as possible and had children and then decided they should change sex, but Rach was doing it as a single young person she was only 20 and starting her life as a male, Rach did agree and as freezing of eggs would cost money and more importantly time the decision had been made.
Rach had taken all of her paperwork and it was quite obvious to Dr Curtis that she had GD. He would prescribe the hormone but...
New protocol now states that you have to see an independent counsellor before the prescription can be given. I thought it was going quite well.
More money and another trip to the London Gender Clinic.
There were counsellors who used the GD clinic weekly who Rach could see, we were given there contact details, also Rach would have to have another blood test and send the results to Dr Curtis prior to the next consultation.
Consultation ended at exactly 13.00 hrs, documents had to be photocopied which took a while. I was chatting to a couple of trans women in the waiting area, it had been a tough journey for them, it did appear easier for trans men as in passing for male.
We now had the journey home, also another visit to London asap.
I had very mixed emotions, it was becoming so close and reality was hitting me.
I was also thinking that there were lots more people who didn't know, they all knew me with 2 children, a daughter and a son. Who did I need to tell, how would I do it?
Monday, 5 December 2011
(19) Meltdown!
Rach had a phone call, Dr Richard Curtis was available to see her on the 21st Nov at 12pm.
I arranged with my boss the time off, it had been quite a while since I had spoken to him, was good to update him, I felt very emotional but kept it together as people were walking past his office as it was home time.
I was at my lowest again, why was I crying when this meant the world to Rach.
I got home from work a couple of days later to be met with the Dr Yellend appointment too.
It was Dr Curtis on the 21st and the following week, 30th it was Dr Yelland in Brighton. I panicked as I had to go to them both. I felt awful asking for another day off. As luck had it I was a member of the union who had decided on strike action that day!
I had totally withdrew myself now, I couldn't think straight, I can not put into words the emotional break down I was experiencing. This operation was what I had been dreading, what if she regretted it, the pain she was going to be in. I had researched the procedure and I didn't like the idea, my little girl had never been in hospital never mind be under the surgeons knife. I was so alone, I would be in Brighton pacing the floors waiting to bring her home. I was in meltdown mode!
The weekend before Dr Curtis's appointment I met as usual with my family, my elder sister had come to join us this was the second week on the trot. I tried my best to be part of the usual banter but once again I didn't feel like I was there, I was in a world miles away from this one.
Later that evening I received a random text off my eldest sis inviting me up for tea the following Tuesday, I agreed as I would appreciate that after the Monday in London.
I then realised that something must have been discussed, I called my younger sis and she said she had told them I was going to hell and back and not one of them had been in touch or discussed anything with me and how alone I was feeling.
The following day I had a very tearful conversation over the phone with my other sis who rang me.
I felt much better now, my support network was there again, other than my very close friends I had not spoken to anybody about it.
It was off to bed ready for a very early start and hopefully no cancellation!
I arranged with my boss the time off, it had been quite a while since I had spoken to him, was good to update him, I felt very emotional but kept it together as people were walking past his office as it was home time.
I was at my lowest again, why was I crying when this meant the world to Rach.
I got home from work a couple of days later to be met with the Dr Yellend appointment too.
It was Dr Curtis on the 21st and the following week, 30th it was Dr Yelland in Brighton. I panicked as I had to go to them both. I felt awful asking for another day off. As luck had it I was a member of the union who had decided on strike action that day!
I had totally withdrew myself now, I couldn't think straight, I can not put into words the emotional break down I was experiencing. This operation was what I had been dreading, what if she regretted it, the pain she was going to be in. I had researched the procedure and I didn't like the idea, my little girl had never been in hospital never mind be under the surgeons knife. I was so alone, I would be in Brighton pacing the floors waiting to bring her home. I was in meltdown mode!
The weekend before Dr Curtis's appointment I met as usual with my family, my elder sister had come to join us this was the second week on the trot. I tried my best to be part of the usual banter but once again I didn't feel like I was there, I was in a world miles away from this one.
Later that evening I received a random text off my eldest sis inviting me up for tea the following Tuesday, I agreed as I would appreciate that after the Monday in London.
I then realised that something must have been discussed, I called my younger sis and she said she had told them I was going to hell and back and not one of them had been in touch or discussed anything with me and how alone I was feeling.
The following day I had a very tearful conversation over the phone with my other sis who rang me.
I felt much better now, my support network was there again, other than my very close friends I had not spoken to anybody about it.
It was off to bed ready for a very early start and hopefully no cancellation!
(18) Emotional conflict...
When I look back at my blog entries, they come across quite contradictory.
My emotions like I have explained are doing as they please.
I am pushing for this transition for Rach but at the same time finding it extremely difficult to overcome my feelings and fears.
I am going to lose my daughter, I am losing Rach. I will be losing her childhood as how can you chat to her new friends and giggle about things she has done as a youngster? How can I embarrass her with typical photographs that mums show?
Rach popping into the bathroom when I am in the shower, its never been a problem we are the only females in the house, there are lots of little things that have been a natural occurrence, do I close my door now when I am getting changed?
I have my child who is healthy, clever, outgoing, strong, caring, sensitive and wonderful and I am so proud of. I am really lucky we have the strongest bond and relationship any mum could wish for.
Why can I not let go and embrace the change?
My emotions like I have explained are doing as they please.
I am pushing for this transition for Rach but at the same time finding it extremely difficult to overcome my feelings and fears.
I am going to lose my daughter, I am losing Rach. I will be losing her childhood as how can you chat to her new friends and giggle about things she has done as a youngster? How can I embarrass her with typical photographs that mums show?
Rach popping into the bathroom when I am in the shower, its never been a problem we are the only females in the house, there are lots of little things that have been a natural occurrence, do I close my door now when I am getting changed?
I have my child who is healthy, clever, outgoing, strong, caring, sensitive and wonderful and I am so proud of. I am really lucky we have the strongest bond and relationship any mum could wish for.
Why can I not let go and embrace the change?
Sunday, 4 December 2011
(17) The private route
My calm time was now going to come to an end with an almighty bump.
One night we had talked about seeking help with a private consultant. Rach had enough knowledge of what to do and where to go as she had joined many forums.
I was unsure as it was a big financial commitment which could be for the rest of her life, I didn't want to put a downer on her plan but I had to be the logical one as all Rach saw was the end to her female being.
Rach had sorted the costing for her 3 monthly prescription and the blood test as the doctor had already said he wouldn't do it on the NHS, also she told me the cost for top surgery. No I wasn't going to remortgage, and yes she did suggest it!
Our only hope was that once she had been prescribed the hormone her Dr would then take it on and do it on the NHS.
Rach had all her facts, she wanted to see Dr Richard Curtis in London for the hormones and Dr Yellend a reputable surgeon in Brighton.
I thought no more about the conversation and so it went quiet again.
Nobody had talked about it within the family, I was feeling quite lonely. I had put my life on hold as I had to much to sort in my head but I was wishing I had a partner to share my problems with and also somebody to take me away so I could have a break from my everyday challenge.
A week later Rach told me she had an appointment to see Dr Curtis on the 27th October. It would be half term so I had no worry about going and asking for time off work.
As this sunk in I went into meltdown. It was happening. I broke down at work, it didn't help that Rach had sent me a text about changing her name to one we had both said we liked, I felt so guilty, Rach was prepared to do anything to make it easier for me, why was I been so selfish?
This waiting was going to be over. I couldn't see a way out, it had to happen I hated to see Rach still binding.
I needed somebody to talk to. I asked Rach about going to see Andy the LGBT coordinator, I had to know what to expect, I couldn't go and lose control like the 1st psychiatrist appointment we had.
I went to speak with him on the Monday before our Thursday meeting. It was so good to talk to somebody who knew what they were on about, this was the first person I had spoken to with some knowledge, I came away feeling better, I had discussed my reactions and how I had been coping, it was great to hear that it was all normal, I wasn't a terrible mother after all. I had explained to Andy about the name situation. I had told Rach I didn't like Zak, it wasn't a name I would ever have chose and thought that was maybe why I had a problem calling it her. We decided on William, I would call her Will. William after her life long hero Liam Gallagher and also my grandfathers name. That same night she changed her name by deed poll, William Zakery, people could still call her Zak too.
Andy had suggested I set myself a date when I call her the male name, what better date than the following Thursday when we went off to London.
I had planned to wake her up by calling it her, it didn't happen.
Off to London we went.
A very early start, made our way to Uxbridge to get the underground to Oxford Circus, we then had a 10 minute walk, I had google mapped the route, we would arrive and have a couple of minutes to sit and compose ourselves.
Rach had driven as she felt less anxious.
We bought the tickets at Uxbridge, then we had a phone call, Dr Richard Curtis would not be in the clinic today. They would ring and make another appointment, also refund the cost of today.
OMG, how dare he, all the emotion, the time we spent travelling, the cost, Rach having time off work, I was quite angry.
At least we were better off than the clients who had actually flew from other countries!
We sat in a cafe not knowing what to do, was this an omen, would the Dr agree to do it on the NHS, I am a big believer in fate.
Rach made an appointment for the next day with her GP whilst we sat in the cafe, as she had the paperwork they had asked for, were things going to go her way?
Rach had changed her Drs, hoping that the surgery we were both now registered would have more of an idea. Her first appointment had been quite positive, all she needed was proof off the PCT that they would fund hormones, Andy had been chasing it up, he now had that. We went to the surgery on the Friday only to be met with another barrier. This Dr was going to prescribe, first he had to double check with the previous Dr she had seen, the answer was no.
My family had still not mentioned anything, only my youngest sis knew and that was because we were planning some little trips out with her children over the half term break.
My emotions were all over the place, I had a really arsey attitude, I could talk to my family but chose not too, I really didn't think they thought it was still happening.
I was so withdrawn I couldn't be bothered, we still met up each weekend I was there in spirit but just not my usual self. My sis asked if I was ok because I appeared quiet, I just said I was fine, if I had said anymore I would have been crying all over the place, I half expected her to ring that evening, no call.
I was fed up of breaking down, I was crying every night I looked such a mess in the mornings. I had an eye infection so got away with having to explain, this was due to stress. I could not see how I was going to get through this on my own.
Rach had been devising ways to get the £6000 together for top surgery, she has always been a good saver, she had her savings book now, one which I had paid into all of her life. Rach had already had some money from this as she had bought a private number plate, the bit she had left was added to the money she had frantically been saving.
One night she showed me that she had £6000, she was now saving for the travel and expenses.
My stress levels were through the roof, how could I keep up. Everything had been on hold for so long by the New Year Rach would be on track.
All I saw was the operation and these major changes, my family were talking of Christmas I couldn't bear to think beyond tomorrow.
One night we had talked about seeking help with a private consultant. Rach had enough knowledge of what to do and where to go as she had joined many forums.
I was unsure as it was a big financial commitment which could be for the rest of her life, I didn't want to put a downer on her plan but I had to be the logical one as all Rach saw was the end to her female being.
Rach had sorted the costing for her 3 monthly prescription and the blood test as the doctor had already said he wouldn't do it on the NHS, also she told me the cost for top surgery. No I wasn't going to remortgage, and yes she did suggest it!
Our only hope was that once she had been prescribed the hormone her Dr would then take it on and do it on the NHS.
Rach had all her facts, she wanted to see Dr Richard Curtis in London for the hormones and Dr Yellend a reputable surgeon in Brighton.
I thought no more about the conversation and so it went quiet again.
Nobody had talked about it within the family, I was feeling quite lonely. I had put my life on hold as I had to much to sort in my head but I was wishing I had a partner to share my problems with and also somebody to take me away so I could have a break from my everyday challenge.
A week later Rach told me she had an appointment to see Dr Curtis on the 27th October. It would be half term so I had no worry about going and asking for time off work.
As this sunk in I went into meltdown. It was happening. I broke down at work, it didn't help that Rach had sent me a text about changing her name to one we had both said we liked, I felt so guilty, Rach was prepared to do anything to make it easier for me, why was I been so selfish?
This waiting was going to be over. I couldn't see a way out, it had to happen I hated to see Rach still binding.
I needed somebody to talk to. I asked Rach about going to see Andy the LGBT coordinator, I had to know what to expect, I couldn't go and lose control like the 1st psychiatrist appointment we had.
I went to speak with him on the Monday before our Thursday meeting. It was so good to talk to somebody who knew what they were on about, this was the first person I had spoken to with some knowledge, I came away feeling better, I had discussed my reactions and how I had been coping, it was great to hear that it was all normal, I wasn't a terrible mother after all. I had explained to Andy about the name situation. I had told Rach I didn't like Zak, it wasn't a name I would ever have chose and thought that was maybe why I had a problem calling it her. We decided on William, I would call her Will. William after her life long hero Liam Gallagher and also my grandfathers name. That same night she changed her name by deed poll, William Zakery, people could still call her Zak too.
Andy had suggested I set myself a date when I call her the male name, what better date than the following Thursday when we went off to London.
I had planned to wake her up by calling it her, it didn't happen.
Off to London we went.
A very early start, made our way to Uxbridge to get the underground to Oxford Circus, we then had a 10 minute walk, I had google mapped the route, we would arrive and have a couple of minutes to sit and compose ourselves.
Rach had driven as she felt less anxious.
We bought the tickets at Uxbridge, then we had a phone call, Dr Richard Curtis would not be in the clinic today. They would ring and make another appointment, also refund the cost of today.
OMG, how dare he, all the emotion, the time we spent travelling, the cost, Rach having time off work, I was quite angry.
At least we were better off than the clients who had actually flew from other countries!
We sat in a cafe not knowing what to do, was this an omen, would the Dr agree to do it on the NHS, I am a big believer in fate.
Rach made an appointment for the next day with her GP whilst we sat in the cafe, as she had the paperwork they had asked for, were things going to go her way?
Rach had changed her Drs, hoping that the surgery we were both now registered would have more of an idea. Her first appointment had been quite positive, all she needed was proof off the PCT that they would fund hormones, Andy had been chasing it up, he now had that. We went to the surgery on the Friday only to be met with another barrier. This Dr was going to prescribe, first he had to double check with the previous Dr she had seen, the answer was no.
My family had still not mentioned anything, only my youngest sis knew and that was because we were planning some little trips out with her children over the half term break.
My emotions were all over the place, I had a really arsey attitude, I could talk to my family but chose not too, I really didn't think they thought it was still happening.
I was so withdrawn I couldn't be bothered, we still met up each weekend I was there in spirit but just not my usual self. My sis asked if I was ok because I appeared quiet, I just said I was fine, if I had said anymore I would have been crying all over the place, I half expected her to ring that evening, no call.
I was fed up of breaking down, I was crying every night I looked such a mess in the mornings. I had an eye infection so got away with having to explain, this was due to stress. I could not see how I was going to get through this on my own.
Rach had been devising ways to get the £6000 together for top surgery, she has always been a good saver, she had her savings book now, one which I had paid into all of her life. Rach had already had some money from this as she had bought a private number plate, the bit she had left was added to the money she had frantically been saving.
One night she showed me that she had £6000, she was now saving for the travel and expenses.
My stress levels were through the roof, how could I keep up. Everything had been on hold for so long by the New Year Rach would be on track.
All I saw was the operation and these major changes, my family were talking of Christmas I couldn't bear to think beyond tomorrow.
Saturday, 3 December 2011
(16) Does anybody know what they are doing?
The next few months passed by. Nothing happened. No hormones, no operation.
I was quite happy for this lull, I sound selfish but the next steps were going to be horrendous for me, to face my daughter each day as she slowly changed before my very eyes.
Letters had started to drop through the letterbox addressed to Zak, I found that hard to cope with.
I had a phone call one day asking to speak to Zak, I explained he wasn't in could they call back. I had actually used the pro noun that Rach was so desperate to hear. It felt weird, I felt like I had gained another child.
I discovered she had started to bind herself, I hadn't realised how painful that was and you can actually break your ribs. I got very upset as I saw her taking the strongest painkillers the doctor would prescribe, her back would spasm and she was covering herself in deep heat creams to ease the pain.
She had begun a part time job, her first job as a male, only problem she was expected to do heavier work, if a female was unable to do something they called for her help, she put all her adrenalin into it and if she failed she was able to laugh it off. She had to make jokes about her voice, she certainly passed for a male but then people were unsure when she spoke.
I feared for her health as she was now binding for up to 15 hours each day, they recommend 6 hours. I could not cope with this, I broke down to my friends one evening, something had to happen, and quick.
All the paperwork was done, but nobody would prescribe the hormones, it was one excuse after another, either a funding issue or nobody knew what hormone or dosage to give.
The next couple of months were a constant battle, luckily she had the help and expert advice off Andy, he was the network coordinator for the LGBT.
Uni had started, I was still unable to call her by her chosen male name.
Because it had gone quiet to a point, nobody spoke about it anymore Did everybody think that it was no longer happening?
I woke up every morning and it was the first thing on my mind, not one day had gone by since last November without it been in my head, I was still struggling emotionally.
I felt like I had lost my support network, I was becoming quite weepy and felt so alone.
Initially everybody had either rang me, text me or left private messages on Facebook. The same for Rach all of my family had contacted her and most had kept up with her blog.
One evening as we sat and had our evening meal our little chat got heated and Rach didn't speak to me for a couple of days. It was because she hated been referred to as Rach and he, also how could she bring any Uni friends back who knew her as Zak and had no idea she was a female.
I was beginning to wish that it was now one year on and it had all happened, I wanted to wake up and she was a male and I was calling her Zak.
Rach had been so sensitive around me, telling her close friends not to call her Zak in front of me, also her girlfriend who had only known her as Zak was brilliant.
What a selfish mum I saw.
It was good to see her at ease in a relationship and they were a boyfriend girlfriend couple, it was no problem to me that they hugged and acted like a normal straight couple in public.
At least the anxiety issue was under control they became less, Rach was on the way to becoming a healthy, happy child.
I was quite happy for this lull, I sound selfish but the next steps were going to be horrendous for me, to face my daughter each day as she slowly changed before my very eyes.
Letters had started to drop through the letterbox addressed to Zak, I found that hard to cope with.
I had a phone call one day asking to speak to Zak, I explained he wasn't in could they call back. I had actually used the pro noun that Rach was so desperate to hear. It felt weird, I felt like I had gained another child.
I discovered she had started to bind herself, I hadn't realised how painful that was and you can actually break your ribs. I got very upset as I saw her taking the strongest painkillers the doctor would prescribe, her back would spasm and she was covering herself in deep heat creams to ease the pain.
She had begun a part time job, her first job as a male, only problem she was expected to do heavier work, if a female was unable to do something they called for her help, she put all her adrenalin into it and if she failed she was able to laugh it off. She had to make jokes about her voice, she certainly passed for a male but then people were unsure when she spoke.
I feared for her health as she was now binding for up to 15 hours each day, they recommend 6 hours. I could not cope with this, I broke down to my friends one evening, something had to happen, and quick.
All the paperwork was done, but nobody would prescribe the hormones, it was one excuse after another, either a funding issue or nobody knew what hormone or dosage to give.
The next couple of months were a constant battle, luckily she had the help and expert advice off Andy, he was the network coordinator for the LGBT.
Uni had started, I was still unable to call her by her chosen male name.
Because it had gone quiet to a point, nobody spoke about it anymore Did everybody think that it was no longer happening?
I woke up every morning and it was the first thing on my mind, not one day had gone by since last November without it been in my head, I was still struggling emotionally.
I felt like I had lost my support network, I was becoming quite weepy and felt so alone.
Initially everybody had either rang me, text me or left private messages on Facebook. The same for Rach all of my family had contacted her and most had kept up with her blog.
One evening as we sat and had our evening meal our little chat got heated and Rach didn't speak to me for a couple of days. It was because she hated been referred to as Rach and he, also how could she bring any Uni friends back who knew her as Zak and had no idea she was a female.
I was beginning to wish that it was now one year on and it had all happened, I wanted to wake up and she was a male and I was calling her Zak.
Rach had been so sensitive around me, telling her close friends not to call her Zak in front of me, also her girlfriend who had only known her as Zak was brilliant.
What a selfish mum I saw.
It was good to see her at ease in a relationship and they were a boyfriend girlfriend couple, it was no problem to me that they hugged and acted like a normal straight couple in public.
At least the anxiety issue was under control they became less, Rach was on the way to becoming a healthy, happy child.
Friday, 2 December 2011
(15) Breaking the news to my immediate family.
A couple of days after the last appointment I had called in on my youngest sister after work, something I did do when I had chance.
My sister had her own fair share of domestic problems and I had been there to listen to her, she was having a major marital problem and I was the expert there! It felt quite good to be in the driving seat again helping somebody with their problem.
I was also calling to share my problem and to tell her how the appointment had gone.
Our conversation had been all about her problem, she had to off load but for nearly an hour we had discussed the things that were going on in her life. I had to leave as time was getting on and as I was about to walk through the door she then asked how things were. I immediately broke down and roughly told her about Monday's appointment, I also said I had to tell everybody as it was happening.
I had a phone call later that evening from my younger sis, she had contacted the other sis who had not spoke to me, apparently I should expect a phone call. No phone call.
Rach had mentioned a blog she had began to keep. A couple of days later I received a text off her with the link and asking me not to use it against her. I would read it when I was alone.
The blog was the best thing I could have read, I read it through tears experiencing many emotions and feeling so guilty, how had I missed this problem, I was so close to both my children how had she hidden it from me, God I felt so crap, what sort of mother was I?
When she came in that evening I called to her, I gave her a big hug, told her I loved her and was so sorry.
I decided then that my counselling was no longer required, I was due my 6th session that weekend and would explain to my counsellor about the blog and how it's helped me with the understanding of it all. My counsellor was not keen to end my sessions but I had made up my mind.
It was now the weekend, we had met up as usual had the usual chit chat, I didn't expect anything to be said as my aunty was with us.
I then decided I had to approach my sis, so after tea off I went.
I told her everything, she explained how she had felt awkward discussing it but otherwise everything went quite well. We were both upset but I explained as much as I could about what I had learnt. I told her about the blog and offered the link, ha ha she doesn't use computers, at least my nephew could show it to her. I felt very protective towards Rach and explained it was the right thing. My sister was very supportive towards me and did say she didn't know how I was coping and she was glad it wasn't her.
During the Easter holidays I made a lunch date with my eldest sister, she doesn't live local, works shifts and lots of weekends so we don't get the chance to meet up often. My sis had not got a clue what had been going on.
I went over and was met with her daughter, partner and youngest child they were coming for lunch too, normally that would have been brilliant as I miss not seen my niece and children as much as I would like, how was I going to tell her now? We had a lovely lunch and a great catch up. Would I have chance to get my sis on her own to break the news? We went back to my sisters and the rest of the family didn't come in. I had a cuppa and then told her I had something I needed to tell her. Again she was so understanding, not shocked as she always thought Rach a tomboy but never thought she would take this route, also a few weeks before my great nephews had seen Rach and the youngest had asked his nan, why does Rach look like a boy? Many tears were shed and I felt much better even though nobody had any answers for me, I had to work through this. Again I shared the link to the blog at least this sis was computer literate!
My brother had still not talked to me about it.
I was still on my Easter break so decided to call in on my aunty. We are all close to my aunty as she is all we have left now, she is my Mums sister and 79.
I didn't know how to go about this my aunt is young at heart but I also didn't want to upset her. I had thought about leaving it but as she sees Rach at least once a month she would not miss that Rach was dressing in men's brand clothes, men's boxers would be on the washing line, she had her hair cut much shorter like a man and had now stopped shaving her legs and pits, Rach did live in shorts around the house and my aunty is very astute.
Once again it went as well as could be expected, my aunty just confirming about Rach been dead sure, did she know what she was doing, again a few tears shed but my aunt offering her support and saying she felt it for me and wasn't sure how I was going to get through this.
My protectiveness towards Rach was so strong, I kept telling myself it was the right thing she was doing, she was so strong and I admired that. I couldn't stop thinking of all the problems that she had to face from hormones and operations to people accepting her, I just wanted to wrap her up and hold her forever, why do your kids have to grow up?
Later that day I had a message off my cousin, my aunty had rang her very upset. I rang my cousin and apologised as I felt awful leaving my aunty on her own after I had broke the news, again my cousin was supportive. I also told my cousin to read the blog as it will help her to understand exactly what Rach was going through.
One thing that upset me was when people had asked if she knew what she was doing, did they really think she had just woke up one day and decided...This week I shall be a man!
I suppose people just say the first thing they think of, after all what makes me such an expert?
My sister had her own fair share of domestic problems and I had been there to listen to her, she was having a major marital problem and I was the expert there! It felt quite good to be in the driving seat again helping somebody with their problem.
I was also calling to share my problem and to tell her how the appointment had gone.
Our conversation had been all about her problem, she had to off load but for nearly an hour we had discussed the things that were going on in her life. I had to leave as time was getting on and as I was about to walk through the door she then asked how things were. I immediately broke down and roughly told her about Monday's appointment, I also said I had to tell everybody as it was happening.
I had a phone call later that evening from my younger sis, she had contacted the other sis who had not spoke to me, apparently I should expect a phone call. No phone call.
Rach had mentioned a blog she had began to keep. A couple of days later I received a text off her with the link and asking me not to use it against her. I would read it when I was alone.
The blog was the best thing I could have read, I read it through tears experiencing many emotions and feeling so guilty, how had I missed this problem, I was so close to both my children how had she hidden it from me, God I felt so crap, what sort of mother was I?
When she came in that evening I called to her, I gave her a big hug, told her I loved her and was so sorry.
I decided then that my counselling was no longer required, I was due my 6th session that weekend and would explain to my counsellor about the blog and how it's helped me with the understanding of it all. My counsellor was not keen to end my sessions but I had made up my mind.
It was now the weekend, we had met up as usual had the usual chit chat, I didn't expect anything to be said as my aunty was with us.
I then decided I had to approach my sis, so after tea off I went.
I told her everything, she explained how she had felt awkward discussing it but otherwise everything went quite well. We were both upset but I explained as much as I could about what I had learnt. I told her about the blog and offered the link, ha ha she doesn't use computers, at least my nephew could show it to her. I felt very protective towards Rach and explained it was the right thing. My sister was very supportive towards me and did say she didn't know how I was coping and she was glad it wasn't her.
During the Easter holidays I made a lunch date with my eldest sister, she doesn't live local, works shifts and lots of weekends so we don't get the chance to meet up often. My sis had not got a clue what had been going on.
I went over and was met with her daughter, partner and youngest child they were coming for lunch too, normally that would have been brilliant as I miss not seen my niece and children as much as I would like, how was I going to tell her now? We had a lovely lunch and a great catch up. Would I have chance to get my sis on her own to break the news? We went back to my sisters and the rest of the family didn't come in. I had a cuppa and then told her I had something I needed to tell her. Again she was so understanding, not shocked as she always thought Rach a tomboy but never thought she would take this route, also a few weeks before my great nephews had seen Rach and the youngest had asked his nan, why does Rach look like a boy? Many tears were shed and I felt much better even though nobody had any answers for me, I had to work through this. Again I shared the link to the blog at least this sis was computer literate!
My brother had still not talked to me about it.
I was still on my Easter break so decided to call in on my aunty. We are all close to my aunty as she is all we have left now, she is my Mums sister and 79.
I didn't know how to go about this my aunt is young at heart but I also didn't want to upset her. I had thought about leaving it but as she sees Rach at least once a month she would not miss that Rach was dressing in men's brand clothes, men's boxers would be on the washing line, she had her hair cut much shorter like a man and had now stopped shaving her legs and pits, Rach did live in shorts around the house and my aunty is very astute.
Once again it went as well as could be expected, my aunty just confirming about Rach been dead sure, did she know what she was doing, again a few tears shed but my aunt offering her support and saying she felt it for me and wasn't sure how I was going to get through this.
My protectiveness towards Rach was so strong, I kept telling myself it was the right thing she was doing, she was so strong and I admired that. I couldn't stop thinking of all the problems that she had to face from hormones and operations to people accepting her, I just wanted to wrap her up and hold her forever, why do your kids have to grow up?
Later that day I had a message off my cousin, my aunty had rang her very upset. I rang my cousin and apologised as I felt awful leaving my aunty on her own after I had broke the news, again my cousin was supportive. I also told my cousin to read the blog as it will help her to understand exactly what Rach was going through.
One thing that upset me was when people had asked if she knew what she was doing, did they really think she had just woke up one day and decided...This week I shall be a man!
I suppose people just say the first thing they think of, after all what makes me such an expert?
Thursday, 1 December 2011
(14) Mother's day
Mother's day approached.
I have never really enjoyed Mother's day especially since my son has lived with his dad from the age of 8. Rach tends to appear late afternoon as she has either been hungover or she lies in totally forgetting its Mother's day. Its then all panic because she needs to get Matt either to sign the card or to come and visit me.
I lost my mum a few ago and have happy memories of Mothers day with her, she had all her daughters and son there, it was like Christmas day, so again I do feel quite upset to how mine are in comparison, I don't want gifts a card before midday would be perfect!
Rach does go out of her way to find the most gorgeous card with the most sentimental verse in, she can then laugh at me as I cry when I read it.
Prior to Mother's day, Rach informed me that she had found it very difficult to purchase a suitable card as the verses were so inappropriate to our situation, Matt had been no help. I will paste an extract from her blog as to how it was...
He was being a little dick though when picking a card for mothers day. He finds the whole situation hilarious for some unknown reason. There was cards saying 'I want to grow up to be just like you' or 'Thank you for bringing me up to be a person I love being' and so on. I clearly didn't find it funny and I'm pretty sure my mum would flip than see it was my brothers childish sense of humour. So yeah, tried to find one that would make her cry as I think its funny to watch her get all worked up when reading a card but most of them were shit so it a pretty simple one with about 3 lines on. I thought it was cute though :)
Matt eventually came around to see me, it was teatime. He sat with us at the table. They were both in a silly mood laughing and joking. Matt then mentioned the card situation and Rach repeated the incident in the card shop, I asked her to shut up. I stood up to leave the dining room, Rach asked for a hug something she will do if she knows she has upset me, I refused and went into the kitchen. Rach went upstairs Matt came to me, he just stood quietly, I think this is probably the 1st time he ever saw me cry.
I have never really enjoyed Mother's day especially since my son has lived with his dad from the age of 8. Rach tends to appear late afternoon as she has either been hungover or she lies in totally forgetting its Mother's day. Its then all panic because she needs to get Matt either to sign the card or to come and visit me.
I lost my mum a few ago and have happy memories of Mothers day with her, she had all her daughters and son there, it was like Christmas day, so again I do feel quite upset to how mine are in comparison, I don't want gifts a card before midday would be perfect!
Rach does go out of her way to find the most gorgeous card with the most sentimental verse in, she can then laugh at me as I cry when I read it.
Prior to Mother's day, Rach informed me that she had found it very difficult to purchase a suitable card as the verses were so inappropriate to our situation, Matt had been no help. I will paste an extract from her blog as to how it was...
He was being a little dick though when picking a card for mothers day. He finds the whole situation hilarious for some unknown reason. There was cards saying 'I want to grow up to be just like you' or 'Thank you for bringing me up to be a person I love being' and so on. I clearly didn't find it funny and I'm pretty sure my mum would flip than see it was my brothers childish sense of humour. So yeah, tried to find one that would make her cry as I think its funny to watch her get all worked up when reading a card but most of them were shit so it a pretty simple one with about 3 lines on. I thought it was cute though :)
Matt eventually came around to see me, it was teatime. He sat with us at the table. They were both in a silly mood laughing and joking. Matt then mentioned the card situation and Rach repeated the incident in the card shop, I asked her to shut up. I stood up to leave the dining room, Rach asked for a hug something she will do if she knows she has upset me, I refused and went into the kitchen. Rach went upstairs Matt came to me, he just stood quietly, I think this is probably the 1st time he ever saw me cry.
(13) 2nd appointment.
Life was going quite smoothly, like I have said previously it was a case of peaks and troughs. I hated the peaks but then the troughs would lead up to a major meltdown. On the whole I had been coasting along and trying to ignore it.
I had called for a cuppa at my youngest sister's house one afternoon, she had her own 3 children there plus a couple of their friends were in the room too. She turned and asked how I was and Rach, and mentioned Rach had called and told her. This was so personal I was mortified she had come out with it in front of the children. I told her I couldn't talk about it, I walked into the kitchen in tears she followed me. I did explain I was upset that neither of my sisters had contacted me. They had discussed it but didn't know how to approach me as I had been quite off hand when Rach had disclosed she was gay a few years previous. I did explain that I did need to talk about it as it was going to effect the whole family. My sis said she would speak to my other sis and explain how I was feeling. Again I waited for a call, it didn't happen.
We had a discussion regarding the name situ and as I was not of any help Rach had asked her brother. Rach had chosen Zak but was unsure which way to spell it, Matt suggested Zach as it was close to Rach and it would make me happier, but then as I was not interested at that time she decided on Zakery!
Again Rach asked me if I was going to be ok attending the appointment. It had been a month since the last one, plenty of time to programme myself to the fact she would be Zak and a he during the session.
Off we went, Zak was called in and I followed in behind feeling much stronger than last time.
The session went more in my favour. The Dr asked how I had been. He then turned to Rach and told her quite firmly not to rush me as she had jumped a few hurdles and I was still exhausted from the 1st. That sentence totally summed up where I was at compared to Rach.
Rach was so happy with everything she was doing and I couldn't share in this happiness with her...I had lots of hurdles to jump before I caught up!!
The outcome of the session was well in Rach's favour. Dr Makala had no doubt that Rach had Gender Dysphoria and would refer her on the route for the transition and would contact her GP so he could prescribe hormones, she had to have a blood test prior and then wham bam Rach would be pumped with Testosterone. It was also suggested that top surgery may possibly take place before she started Uni in the September.
Oh my god, I had lost Rach. It was happening so quickly
Why was I finding it so difficult when it was clearly the right thing? She had been mistaken for a male on a number of occasions when we had been together and gradually over the last couple of years her clothing had been replaced by Top Man brands.
I was still having the counselling sessions but was not feeling positive about them at all, it was good to chat to a neutral person but didn't feel like I was getting anywhere.
Rach was now dismissed from Dr Makala as our GP was now going to take control.
There was only one thing to do now. I had to talk to the rest of my immediate family. When we arrived home from the appointment Rach said she was going to visit my brother and tell him. My brother can be very 'old fashioned' and she didn't want him to upset me. It went exceptionally well, he was fine and told her to do what she felt was right, he told his wife who then later contacted Rach via facebook and offered her support and love.
Up to this day he has never talked to me about it!
I had called for a cuppa at my youngest sister's house one afternoon, she had her own 3 children there plus a couple of their friends were in the room too. She turned and asked how I was and Rach, and mentioned Rach had called and told her. This was so personal I was mortified she had come out with it in front of the children. I told her I couldn't talk about it, I walked into the kitchen in tears she followed me. I did explain I was upset that neither of my sisters had contacted me. They had discussed it but didn't know how to approach me as I had been quite off hand when Rach had disclosed she was gay a few years previous. I did explain that I did need to talk about it as it was going to effect the whole family. My sis said she would speak to my other sis and explain how I was feeling. Again I waited for a call, it didn't happen.
We had a discussion regarding the name situ and as I was not of any help Rach had asked her brother. Rach had chosen Zak but was unsure which way to spell it, Matt suggested Zach as it was close to Rach and it would make me happier, but then as I was not interested at that time she decided on Zakery!
Again Rach asked me if I was going to be ok attending the appointment. It had been a month since the last one, plenty of time to programme myself to the fact she would be Zak and a he during the session.
Off we went, Zak was called in and I followed in behind feeling much stronger than last time.
The session went more in my favour. The Dr asked how I had been. He then turned to Rach and told her quite firmly not to rush me as she had jumped a few hurdles and I was still exhausted from the 1st. That sentence totally summed up where I was at compared to Rach.
Rach was so happy with everything she was doing and I couldn't share in this happiness with her...I had lots of hurdles to jump before I caught up!!
The outcome of the session was well in Rach's favour. Dr Makala had no doubt that Rach had Gender Dysphoria and would refer her on the route for the transition and would contact her GP so he could prescribe hormones, she had to have a blood test prior and then wham bam Rach would be pumped with Testosterone. It was also suggested that top surgery may possibly take place before she started Uni in the September.
Oh my god, I had lost Rach. It was happening so quickly
Why was I finding it so difficult when it was clearly the right thing? She had been mistaken for a male on a number of occasions when we had been together and gradually over the last couple of years her clothing had been replaced by Top Man brands.
I was still having the counselling sessions but was not feeling positive about them at all, it was good to chat to a neutral person but didn't feel like I was getting anywhere.
Rach was now dismissed from Dr Makala as our GP was now going to take control.
There was only one thing to do now. I had to talk to the rest of my immediate family. When we arrived home from the appointment Rach said she was going to visit my brother and tell him. My brother can be very 'old fashioned' and she didn't want him to upset me. It went exceptionally well, he was fine and told her to do what she felt was right, he told his wife who then later contacted Rach via facebook and offered her support and love.
Up to this day he has never talked to me about it!
Wednesday, 30 November 2011
(12) Childhood and teen yrs
I thought back alot to her childhood, poor kid...Born when the Gulf conflict was declared and number one in the charts, Iron Maiden, Slaughter your daughter!!
Rachel's childhood was a happy one, she grew to love footy just like her dad, she had a brother Matt when she was 3 and a 1/2, a perfect sister, she helped me to do the usual chores a new born entailed.
Rach was very close to her aunts and uncles and lots of cousins, we met up regularly and all the children played together Rach always kicking a ball or having a rough and tumble with the older ones getting dirty and been one of the lads!
Rach was a tomboy from a very early age, I was not a stereotypical mum and bought her a garage for her 2nd birthday, dolls were left untouched, I had no concerns because as a youngster I was not a dolly lover and had played for hours with my own brothers cars.
Rach joined a football club at 4 and adored Saturday mornings.
By the time Rach was about to move to High School I began to worry as all of her friends were boys, my worry was that they would not want to hang around with her, I spoke to her junior school teacher and asked that she was mixed into girl groups whenever possible.
Clothing had become an issue at about the age of 9, shopping trips were a nightmare clothes she liked I didn't, again I had no concerns as my older nephews were telling her she should be wearing Nike and Adidas, tracksuits were what everybody was wearing.
My brother was getting married in April 99, thank goodness he didn't ask her to be a bridesmaid, he did ask that she wear a dress and I agreed that was appropriate and she should for once make an effort. We compromised, a Reebok tennis dress in blue, I never saw her in a dress again.
I still had no idea that Rach was beginning to discover she shouldn't be in the body she was born.
When Rachel was 9 I left her dad. I moved into a different house with both of my children. Life was much better.
A couple of years later Rach began to have problems which we now realise were anxiety issues, CAMHS were involved, everything was blamed on the breakdown of my marriage, Rach couldn't understand this prognosis as she had pleaded with me on a number of occasions to leave her dad, she didn't challenge it but had support from teachers in school who nurtured her through.
Yes, she is doing the right thing, as hard as I am coping I have to give her my approval and make this journey as easy as possible together.
Coping is perhaps the wrong word but if you are a parent you want to protect your child, you would die for them, I see my child putting themselves into a world where there are alot of prejudices and conflict towards trans people, life is always going to be that little bit tougher.
From the beginning this has always been my worry, yes we live in a much more diverse world but there is always somebody who achieves a big thrill on destroying somebody's life!
Rachel's childhood was a happy one, she grew to love footy just like her dad, she had a brother Matt when she was 3 and a 1/2, a perfect sister, she helped me to do the usual chores a new born entailed.
Rach was very close to her aunts and uncles and lots of cousins, we met up regularly and all the children played together Rach always kicking a ball or having a rough and tumble with the older ones getting dirty and been one of the lads!
Rach was a tomboy from a very early age, I was not a stereotypical mum and bought her a garage for her 2nd birthday, dolls were left untouched, I had no concerns because as a youngster I was not a dolly lover and had played for hours with my own brothers cars.
Rach joined a football club at 4 and adored Saturday mornings.
By the time Rach was about to move to High School I began to worry as all of her friends were boys, my worry was that they would not want to hang around with her, I spoke to her junior school teacher and asked that she was mixed into girl groups whenever possible.
Clothing had become an issue at about the age of 9, shopping trips were a nightmare clothes she liked I didn't, again I had no concerns as my older nephews were telling her she should be wearing Nike and Adidas, tracksuits were what everybody was wearing.
My brother was getting married in April 99, thank goodness he didn't ask her to be a bridesmaid, he did ask that she wear a dress and I agreed that was appropriate and she should for once make an effort. We compromised, a Reebok tennis dress in blue, I never saw her in a dress again.
I still had no idea that Rach was beginning to discover she shouldn't be in the body she was born.
When Rachel was 9 I left her dad. I moved into a different house with both of my children. Life was much better.
A couple of years later Rach began to have problems which we now realise were anxiety issues, CAMHS were involved, everything was blamed on the breakdown of my marriage, Rach couldn't understand this prognosis as she had pleaded with me on a number of occasions to leave her dad, she didn't challenge it but had support from teachers in school who nurtured her through.
Yes, she is doing the right thing, as hard as I am coping I have to give her my approval and make this journey as easy as possible together.
Coping is perhaps the wrong word but if you are a parent you want to protect your child, you would die for them, I see my child putting themselves into a world where there are alot of prejudices and conflict towards trans people, life is always going to be that little bit tougher.
From the beginning this has always been my worry, yes we live in a much more diverse world but there is always somebody who achieves a big thrill on destroying somebody's life!
(11) Carrying on as normal
Life goes on.
Everything has to carry on, nobody could imagine what was going on in my head or within my home.
So each day it was off to work as normal, leaving my problems at the door, dealing with new problems my students bought my way. It was tough, I was there in spirit and functioned on automatic pilot, my job appeared more difficult than normal but I was getting through it and thanked the support of my two close colleagues.
I met up with my close friends as usual, laughing and joking and putting the world to rights and then the tears would come, I loved my friends so much.
Family get togethers which happen every Saturday afternoon carried on, oblivious to the fact I was dying inside. We are a close family and I think it was the closeness that stopped me from telling them, they would be upset and I couldn't do that to them. My two sisters had still not mentioned it.
My emotions were still all over the place, each day was different, I still cried alot.
I was beginning to piece together Rachel's life. In my heart she was doing the right thing, it made sense, I could not say that to her yet, although she was desperate for my blessing.
As a parent you have an element of control with your child, which becomes guidance as they get older, at this moment I had none. I had no control and I couldn't guide her as we were walking in opposite directions.
Everything has to carry on, nobody could imagine what was going on in my head or within my home.
So each day it was off to work as normal, leaving my problems at the door, dealing with new problems my students bought my way. It was tough, I was there in spirit and functioned on automatic pilot, my job appeared more difficult than normal but I was getting through it and thanked the support of my two close colleagues.
I met up with my close friends as usual, laughing and joking and putting the world to rights and then the tears would come, I loved my friends so much.
Family get togethers which happen every Saturday afternoon carried on, oblivious to the fact I was dying inside. We are a close family and I think it was the closeness that stopped me from telling them, they would be upset and I couldn't do that to them. My two sisters had still not mentioned it.
My emotions were still all over the place, each day was different, I still cried alot.
I was beginning to piece together Rachel's life. In my heart she was doing the right thing, it made sense, I could not say that to her yet, although she was desperate for my blessing.
As a parent you have an element of control with your child, which becomes guidance as they get older, at this moment I had none. I had no control and I couldn't guide her as we were walking in opposite directions.
(10) The Psychiatrist's appointment had arrived!
28th Feb was fast approaching. It had not been mentioned. All we had spoke about was the aftermath of the 'dad experience', I do wish I had recorded it because I still find it very hard to believe what rubbish came out of his mouth, but life goes on and we get by without him!
I had received my first session with the counsellor at Dove. I found that quite weird, I didn't know what to expect as it was strange sitting in a seat and expecting somebody else to solve my problems. I cried all the way through it, what was happening to me? I had never felt so helpless, when I lost both of my parents I was the one that held it together and supported my family, I am usually quite hard and just get on with life.
I hadn't told Rach about the appointment as she had enough to deal with without worrying about me, also I was hoping they would wave a magic wand and everything would be ok, I couldn't have been more wrong. I had six sessions booked. Six hours of counselling and I would be fine...
I had still not heard off my sister's, did they think it was not happening? I was not in a position to approach them yet, it was different talking to friends it didn't directly affect them, but family would want answers and I hadn't got any. I couldn't understand my emotions, I felt so out of control.
A couple of days before, Rach did ask if I was really sure about going along with her to the appointment, as she was concerned I would be very upset. Of course I was going to go, I had to go to hear for myself first hand what the whole procedure was going to be and I wanted to offer my support.
Nothing could have prepared me for the disaster which followed.
We arrived for the 9.30 appointment with 10 minutes to spare to be told Dr Makala does not arrive until 10! Ok whats 30 minutes sat in a waiting room? We sat in virtual silence not really knowing what to talk about, it was quite an odd feeling as normally you can never shut the two of us up.
Dr Makala arrived at 10, walking in as if he had all day. Rach's anxiety was through the roof, she twirled and twisted her 'tangle'.
Dr Makala then appeared and called us in. As he called her name I thought I had misheard, he was a foreign Dr, and I struggle sometimes with accents. As we went in I then realised I had not been mistaken, he was referring to her as Zak and as a he.
Rach asked if I was ok, I couldn't speak, she came to where I sat and hugged me. I suggested I leave and wait outside, I was in a pathetic state. I told the Dr I had not realised she had changed her name, he carried on referring to her as he and as Zak. The whole session went by with a blur, I did not have a clue what had been said. I couldn't wait to get outside, the waiting room was full of people but I didn't care, Dr Makala asked if I would like to sit in another room with a glass of water, I had to leave and out of that door I went. I was glad that Rach had driven that day, we drove back in silence except for my sobs. Another appointment had been made March 28th 11am.
I had received my first session with the counsellor at Dove. I found that quite weird, I didn't know what to expect as it was strange sitting in a seat and expecting somebody else to solve my problems. I cried all the way through it, what was happening to me? I had never felt so helpless, when I lost both of my parents I was the one that held it together and supported my family, I am usually quite hard and just get on with life.
I hadn't told Rach about the appointment as she had enough to deal with without worrying about me, also I was hoping they would wave a magic wand and everything would be ok, I couldn't have been more wrong. I had six sessions booked. Six hours of counselling and I would be fine...
I had still not heard off my sister's, did they think it was not happening? I was not in a position to approach them yet, it was different talking to friends it didn't directly affect them, but family would want answers and I hadn't got any. I couldn't understand my emotions, I felt so out of control.
A couple of days before, Rach did ask if I was really sure about going along with her to the appointment, as she was concerned I would be very upset. Of course I was going to go, I had to go to hear for myself first hand what the whole procedure was going to be and I wanted to offer my support.
Nothing could have prepared me for the disaster which followed.
We arrived for the 9.30 appointment with 10 minutes to spare to be told Dr Makala does not arrive until 10! Ok whats 30 minutes sat in a waiting room? We sat in virtual silence not really knowing what to talk about, it was quite an odd feeling as normally you can never shut the two of us up.
Dr Makala arrived at 10, walking in as if he had all day. Rach's anxiety was through the roof, she twirled and twisted her 'tangle'.
Dr Makala then appeared and called us in. As he called her name I thought I had misheard, he was a foreign Dr, and I struggle sometimes with accents. As we went in I then realised I had not been mistaken, he was referring to her as Zak and as a he.
Rach asked if I was ok, I couldn't speak, she came to where I sat and hugged me. I suggested I leave and wait outside, I was in a pathetic state. I told the Dr I had not realised she had changed her name, he carried on referring to her as he and as Zak. The whole session went by with a blur, I did not have a clue what had been said. I couldn't wait to get outside, the waiting room was full of people but I didn't care, Dr Makala asked if I would like to sit in another room with a glass of water, I had to leave and out of that door I went. I was glad that Rach had driven that day, we drove back in silence except for my sobs. Another appointment had been made March 28th 11am.
Tuesday, 29 November 2011
(9) You need to tell your dad!
I was now on countdown for the 28th of Feb.
My emotions were all over the place, I knew I had to accept this path as I was not going to lose my child but a big part of me was still in denial.
Whilst lying in bed on the Sunday evening I was trying to come up with a plan to stop her from doing this.
Rach had been out that night and I was still lying awake when she got home. I shouted her to come into my room.
I said to her that if she was really serious she should tell her Dad, and I wanted to be with her when she did.
I was hoping for her usual response when her dad was mentioned, but no...'Ok I will tell him, he has never cared about me so it's no loss'.
Unfortunately for Rach when the marriage broke down so did the relationship she once had with her dad!
I had a call off Rach Monday lunchtime, she had invited her dad to come around to our house that Monday night, he was going to be there at 7.
I was in a nervous state now, he had only ever stepped inside the hallway on two occasions and the thought of having to have a conversation with a man who totally ignored me in the street and had done dreadful things across me over the years filled me with dread.
This was about Rach not me, not him.
I prepped myself so I could be there for Rach, because no doubt he would certainly say what he was thinking! And I had to keep my hands off him, I hated this man with such a passion he finds emotions in me I never knew I had!!
He rang me at 5, demanding to know what it was Rach needed him for. I asked him to just come around and for once do something that Rach wanted him to do, he said he would not be bringing Matt because if there was anything to tell him he would do it. Little did he know, Matt already knew.
7 o'clock on the dot, knock at the door. Rach opened it, he refused to come in, telling her to tell him on the doorstep. It took her a couple of minutes to encourage him to step inside. He stood in the hallway, I shouted to him to come into the lounge to sit down as what Rach had to say, he needed to be sitting.
He reluctantly came into the lounge and after a few prompts to sit on the sofa he did. I was sat in the armchair and Rach sat on the bean cube as close to me as she could get, she held my hand.
Rach took a deep breath but could not start the conversation, he didn't help by telling her to hurry up as he hadn't got long he would leave in a minute if she didn't tell him.
I focused on a shrub through my French doors and kept telling myself this was for Rach not me, not him. It was an experience that will live with me forever.
Rach looked at me very tearful and said, 'Can you tell him'?
I told her she had to do it as it was her decision to do what she had planned. After another couple of attempts and her dad becoming very agitated I blurted out...
Rach has Gender Dysphoria!
He hadn't a clue what it was but Rach took over then.
45 minutes later I asked him to leave as I felt I could have done him some damage.
This was his perfect opportunity to blame me for everything that had gone wrong.
He then asked her to move out of the area as it was obviously upsetting me, how dare he, does he not have a caring emotion towards his daughter at all?
The final straw, to which I then told him to leave my house was...'Do me a favour Andi, take her for a drugs test she's on something'.
At that moment I promised I would never tell Rach she should go and see her dad, he did not deserve this wonderful child who at that time was desperate for some affection from him. We did not expect him to approve but he never asked her any questions regards her welfare, in fact he just walked away.
That was the first time Rach ever heard me swear, I could only think of one word to describe him...Wanker!
My emotions were all over the place, I knew I had to accept this path as I was not going to lose my child but a big part of me was still in denial.
Whilst lying in bed on the Sunday evening I was trying to come up with a plan to stop her from doing this.
Rach had been out that night and I was still lying awake when she got home. I shouted her to come into my room.
I said to her that if she was really serious she should tell her Dad, and I wanted to be with her when she did.
I was hoping for her usual response when her dad was mentioned, but no...'Ok I will tell him, he has never cared about me so it's no loss'.
Unfortunately for Rach when the marriage broke down so did the relationship she once had with her dad!
I had a call off Rach Monday lunchtime, she had invited her dad to come around to our house that Monday night, he was going to be there at 7.
I was in a nervous state now, he had only ever stepped inside the hallway on two occasions and the thought of having to have a conversation with a man who totally ignored me in the street and had done dreadful things across me over the years filled me with dread.
This was about Rach not me, not him.
I prepped myself so I could be there for Rach, because no doubt he would certainly say what he was thinking! And I had to keep my hands off him, I hated this man with such a passion he finds emotions in me I never knew I had!!
He rang me at 5, demanding to know what it was Rach needed him for. I asked him to just come around and for once do something that Rach wanted him to do, he said he would not be bringing Matt because if there was anything to tell him he would do it. Little did he know, Matt already knew.
7 o'clock on the dot, knock at the door. Rach opened it, he refused to come in, telling her to tell him on the doorstep. It took her a couple of minutes to encourage him to step inside. He stood in the hallway, I shouted to him to come into the lounge to sit down as what Rach had to say, he needed to be sitting.
He reluctantly came into the lounge and after a few prompts to sit on the sofa he did. I was sat in the armchair and Rach sat on the bean cube as close to me as she could get, she held my hand.
Rach took a deep breath but could not start the conversation, he didn't help by telling her to hurry up as he hadn't got long he would leave in a minute if she didn't tell him.
I focused on a shrub through my French doors and kept telling myself this was for Rach not me, not him. It was an experience that will live with me forever.
Rach looked at me very tearful and said, 'Can you tell him'?
I told her she had to do it as it was her decision to do what she had planned. After another couple of attempts and her dad becoming very agitated I blurted out...
Rach has Gender Dysphoria!
He hadn't a clue what it was but Rach took over then.
45 minutes later I asked him to leave as I felt I could have done him some damage.
This was his perfect opportunity to blame me for everything that had gone wrong.
- It was my fault that the marriage ended, so Rach developed GD
- I should not have allowed her to have her hair cut short, this was a cause of GD
- Matt living with him was my fault
- Me having a relationship with another man 12 months after our marrige was over, that caused GD
- The pathetic list went on and on and on.
He then asked her to move out of the area as it was obviously upsetting me, how dare he, does he not have a caring emotion towards his daughter at all?
The final straw, to which I then told him to leave my house was...'Do me a favour Andi, take her for a drugs test she's on something'.
At that moment I promised I would never tell Rach she should go and see her dad, he did not deserve this wonderful child who at that time was desperate for some affection from him. We did not expect him to approve but he never asked her any questions regards her welfare, in fact he just walked away.
That was the first time Rach ever heard me swear, I could only think of one word to describe him...Wanker!
(8) Psychiatrist Appointment
Things were very much emotionally the same. We both found it hard to talk about it, Rach hated to see me upset and I hated to feel so useless and unsupportive.
Each time we had a discussion we lasted about ten minutes before it began to get heated and we said things we both didn't want to hear.
During one chat, Rach informed me that she had already been to see the psychiatrist at Harplands and had another appointment on the 28th Feb.
At the beginning I had insisted that I would attend any appointments she may have, Rach wanted to attend the first one on her own as she was unsure herself what would be discussed and didn't want me there as I was an emotional wreck!
I was going to attend the second one. One problem, how do I get a day off work...I need to talk to my boss and put him in the picture, easier said than done!
I kept putting off this conversation all week and then on the Friday I asked to speak to him for a couple of minutes. My first words were, I apologise if I get upset, I hadn't even finished the sentence when I was a blubbering wreck. My boss was so understanding and supportive and told me I had to see the psychologist for support, I did explain that Julia was my first confidante, he immediately sent her a text and told her she was my support, no pressure for Julia then!
I had another meeting with Julia, I needed to know what to expect from this meeting with the psychiatrist. Julia did explain that this appointment was for the family too, to help with guidance and to point me in the right direction, I hoped it would be more successful than what my doctor could prescribe; I was offered anti depressants and a sick note. No thank you! I wanted to be in control and not drug my emotions also sitting around at home was certainly not an option, I cope much better when I carry on as normal, I should know, life has dealt me some cards on the way!
Each time we had a discussion we lasted about ten minutes before it began to get heated and we said things we both didn't want to hear.
During one chat, Rach informed me that she had already been to see the psychiatrist at Harplands and had another appointment on the 28th Feb.
At the beginning I had insisted that I would attend any appointments she may have, Rach wanted to attend the first one on her own as she was unsure herself what would be discussed and didn't want me there as I was an emotional wreck!
I was going to attend the second one. One problem, how do I get a day off work...I need to talk to my boss and put him in the picture, easier said than done!
I kept putting off this conversation all week and then on the Friday I asked to speak to him for a couple of minutes. My first words were, I apologise if I get upset, I hadn't even finished the sentence when I was a blubbering wreck. My boss was so understanding and supportive and told me I had to see the psychologist for support, I did explain that Julia was my first confidante, he immediately sent her a text and told her she was my support, no pressure for Julia then!
I had another meeting with Julia, I needed to know what to expect from this meeting with the psychiatrist. Julia did explain that this appointment was for the family too, to help with guidance and to point me in the right direction, I hoped it would be more successful than what my doctor could prescribe; I was offered anti depressants and a sick note. No thank you! I wanted to be in control and not drug my emotions also sitting around at home was certainly not an option, I cope much better when I carry on as normal, I should know, life has dealt me some cards on the way!
(7) Tough Emotions
It was not getting any easier, I had now told my three closest friends, my two close work colleagues and Julia the psychologist.
I was still finding it hard to talk about, that is so unlike me, I do share my problems with others. Every time I discussed it I was in tears, I really didn't know how to get through this and be the strong, supportive mum Rach had always known.
Rach had told me she had told her brother Matt, Matt never breathed a word to me.
Also during one of our heated discussions, Rach had left the house in quite an upset state and went straight to see one of my older sisters and my youngest sister, whom Rach is quite close to. Rach told them what was happening and that if they wanted to disown her to do it now. I had upset her that much that nothing else could hurt her. They expressed their feelings and shock, my older sister saying she would always be Rachel her niece!
Nobody contacted me to see how we were.
I was still finding it hard to talk about, that is so unlike me, I do share my problems with others. Every time I discussed it I was in tears, I really didn't know how to get through this and be the strong, supportive mum Rach had always known.
Rach had told me she had told her brother Matt, Matt never breathed a word to me.
Also during one of our heated discussions, Rach had left the house in quite an upset state and went straight to see one of my older sisters and my youngest sister, whom Rach is quite close to. Rach told them what was happening and that if they wanted to disown her to do it now. I had upset her that much that nothing else could hurt her. They expressed their feelings and shock, my older sister saying she would always be Rachel her niece!
Nobody contacted me to see how we were.
Monday, 28 November 2011
(6) Help!
Wednesday morning arrived, I asked Julia if I could meet for a quick chat that morning.
I just spurted out amongst the tears that my daughter had informed me she had Gender Dysphoria and was going to become a man.
Julia was such a rock, she couldn't really guide me but would research where I could receive the right support. Julia also reassured me that the emotions I was feeling was fine, it was like a bereavement but my child was still here. It was agreed that she would find time each Wednesday so I could off load to her.
Julia pointed me into the direction of Dove, a bereavement and life changing counselling service.
During one of the discussions I had initially with Rach, I explained it was like she had died, because of the emotional tension we were feeling at the time, Rach took this as me saying I would prefer it if she had died.
Perhaps Dove was the place for me to go for help!
I rang and was put on their six week waiting list.
That same day I also told my very close colleague, I felt like she needed to know as I certainly hadn't been my usual bubbly self and was concerned it was affecting my work standard, again tremendous support especially has her own mother had just been diagnosed with cancer.
I just spurted out amongst the tears that my daughter had informed me she had Gender Dysphoria and was going to become a man.
Julia was such a rock, she couldn't really guide me but would research where I could receive the right support. Julia also reassured me that the emotions I was feeling was fine, it was like a bereavement but my child was still here. It was agreed that she would find time each Wednesday so I could off load to her.
Julia pointed me into the direction of Dove, a bereavement and life changing counselling service.
During one of the discussions I had initially with Rach, I explained it was like she had died, because of the emotional tension we were feeling at the time, Rach took this as me saying I would prefer it if she had died.
Perhaps Dove was the place for me to go for help!
I rang and was put on their six week waiting list.
That same day I also told my very close colleague, I felt like she needed to know as I certainly hadn't been my usual bubbly self and was concerned it was affecting my work standard, again tremendous support especially has her own mother had just been diagnosed with cancer.
(5) January 2011
Most evenings we tried to discuss it, every evening it ended in tears!
I had trawled the Internet, what a minefield of information that was, unsure what to believe.
One thing was missing, local support for me, yes here I am taking this whole problem on and nobody to support me. Help, I need somebody to talk to, I had not mentioned it to anybody. I was unsure of my own feelings and emotions and didn't know where to turn.
A girly night was in order. I arranged to meet up with my closest friends and share...They were so supportive and said all of the right things but nobody had any answers, lots of tears were shed but I felt much better for off loading.
I needed some professional advice.
I work in special needs education and we are very fortunate to have psychologists who work alongside our students. I set my mind to taking Julia to one side and asking for advice that week.
I had trawled the Internet, what a minefield of information that was, unsure what to believe.
One thing was missing, local support for me, yes here I am taking this whole problem on and nobody to support me. Help, I need somebody to talk to, I had not mentioned it to anybody. I was unsure of my own feelings and emotions and didn't know where to turn.
A girly night was in order. I arranged to meet up with my closest friends and share...They were so supportive and said all of the right things but nobody had any answers, lots of tears were shed but I felt much better for off loading.
I needed some professional advice.
I work in special needs education and we are very fortunate to have psychologists who work alongside our students. I set my mind to taking Julia to one side and asking for advice that week.
(4) It's not really happening, I will wake up and discover it was a dream.
After the initial bombshell and following discussion it was not mentioned.
We celebrated Christmas with the family and carried on as if the conversation had not happened.
I was worried to bring it up, as deep down I was hoping it was some silly fad that would be forgotten. Rach did like a little drama in her life and as ours was running quite calm at that time I suspected it was excitement she was after.
How wrong could I be!
Middle of January we had enjoyed our usual Sunday roast and as we got up to clear the table she gave me a hug, nothing unusual about that, we are quite huggy.
Then my dream became reality.
'I want you to choose a new name with me, I had thought of Liam after Liam Gallagher'
At that time I couldn't even think about it, another discussion which again ended in tears for us both.
Unknown to me she had already by deed poll changed her name, Zakery Dean as she was now known to her close friends.
We celebrated Christmas with the family and carried on as if the conversation had not happened.
I was worried to bring it up, as deep down I was hoping it was some silly fad that would be forgotten. Rach did like a little drama in her life and as ours was running quite calm at that time I suspected it was excitement she was after.
How wrong could I be!
Middle of January we had enjoyed our usual Sunday roast and as we got up to clear the table she gave me a hug, nothing unusual about that, we are quite huggy.
Then my dream became reality.
'I want you to choose a new name with me, I had thought of Liam after Liam Gallagher'
At that time I couldn't even think about it, another discussion which again ended in tears for us both.
Unknown to me she had already by deed poll changed her name, Zakery Dean as she was now known to her close friends.
(3) One Year On...Life's a journey not a destination.
November 2011.
What a rollercoaster of a journey I have had.
One year ago I never expected to be writing this blog.
So, why am I writing this blog?
I decided to blog this experience in the hope it may help other parents to see that you can get through this. Also as my daughter or should I say son has recorded a blog I thought it was time you heard my side. I am not going to contradict my son's blog as we are all allowed an opinion and I certainly value his.
I am a very calm, understanding and supportive person, usually people come to me with their problems and they tend to leave feeling a whole lot better.
Last year I was shouting for help, nobody heard me, it does help if you talk about it, it will not go away.
I have come along way, it was a rollercoaster and this is definetely a journey with no destination as nobody knows what the future holds for a fully transitioned FTM.
What a rollercoaster of a journey I have had.
One year ago I never expected to be writing this blog.
So, why am I writing this blog?
I decided to blog this experience in the hope it may help other parents to see that you can get through this. Also as my daughter or should I say son has recorded a blog I thought it was time you heard my side. I am not going to contradict my son's blog as we are all allowed an opinion and I certainly value his.
I am a very calm, understanding and supportive person, usually people come to me with their problems and they tend to leave feeling a whole lot better.
Last year I was shouting for help, nobody heard me, it does help if you talk about it, it will not go away.
I have come along way, it was a rollercoaster and this is definetely a journey with no destination as nobody knows what the future holds for a fully transitioned FTM.
(2) Unconditional Love
What a bombshell, nothing could have prepared me for that conversation!
The most difficult thing was to respond in as positive a way as my emotions would let me.
Ha ha, emotions sure have a way of taking your self control away.
After a few harsh words and trying to grasp some understanding of Gender Dysphoria, it ended in tears...For the both of us.
One thing I was sure of though, I loved my little girl no matter what she threw at me.
The most difficult thing was to respond in as positive a way as my emotions would let me.
Ha ha, emotions sure have a way of taking your self control away.
After a few harsh words and trying to grasp some understanding of Gender Dysphoria, it ended in tears...For the both of us.
One thing I was sure of though, I loved my little girl no matter what she threw at me.
Sunday, 27 November 2011
(1) 27/11/10....Where do I start?
(Since writing this blog I have amended my son's and his girlfriend's name to protect his ID)
At the beginning is always a good starting point...But where is the beginning?
21yrs ago or 1yr ago?
Well here goes...
21 yrs ago.
I was about to give birth to my first much wanted child. Secretly I hoped for a little girl but as long as the baby was healthy that's all that mattered.
New yrs eve and my proudest moment, I became a mummy to Rachel a 7lb 3oz healthy little girl.
1yr ago.
'I have something to tell you mum, please sit down, Will you always love me, I need to know that you will love me'?
I never expected the life changing news that Rach was about to tell me.
'I want to be a man, I have felt like this for years, I have Gender Dysphoria'.
At the beginning is always a good starting point...But where is the beginning?
21yrs ago or 1yr ago?
Well here goes...
21 yrs ago.
I was about to give birth to my first much wanted child. Secretly I hoped for a little girl but as long as the baby was healthy that's all that mattered.
New yrs eve and my proudest moment, I became a mummy to Rachel a 7lb 3oz healthy little girl.
1yr ago.
'I have something to tell you mum, please sit down, Will you always love me, I need to know that you will love me'?
I never expected the life changing news that Rach was about to tell me.
'I want to be a man, I have felt like this for years, I have Gender Dysphoria'.
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