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Wednesday, 30 November 2011

(10) The Psychiatrist's appointment had arrived!

28th Feb was fast approaching. It had not been mentioned. All we had spoke about was the aftermath of the 'dad experience', I do wish I had recorded it because I still find it very hard to believe what rubbish came out of his mouth, but life goes on and we get by without him!
I had received my first session with the counsellor at Dove. I found that quite weird, I didn't know what to expect as it was strange sitting in a seat and expecting somebody else to solve my problems. I cried all the way through it, what was happening to me? I had never felt so helpless, when I lost both of my parents I was the one that held it together and supported my family, I am usually quite hard and just get on with life.
I hadn't told Rach about the appointment as she had enough to deal with without worrying about me, also I was hoping they would wave a magic wand and everything would be ok,  I couldn't have been more wrong. I had six sessions booked. Six hours  of counselling and I would be fine...

I had still not heard off my sister's, did they think it was not happening? I was not in a position to approach them yet, it was different talking to friends it didn't directly affect them, but family would want answers and I hadn't got any. I couldn't understand my emotions, I felt so out of control.

A couple of days before, Rach did ask if I was really sure about going along with her to the appointment, as she was concerned I would be very upset. Of course I was going to go, I had to go to hear for myself first hand what the whole procedure was going to be and I wanted to offer my support.
Nothing could have prepared me for the disaster which followed.

We arrived for the 9.30 appointment with 10 minutes to spare to be told Dr Makala does not arrive until 10! Ok whats 30 minutes sat in a waiting room? We sat in virtual silence not really knowing what to talk about, it was quite an odd feeling as normally you can never shut the two of us up.
Dr Makala arrived at 10, walking in as if he had all day. Rach's anxiety was through the roof, she twirled and twisted her 'tangle'.
Dr Makala then appeared and called us in. As he called her name I thought I had misheard, he was a foreign Dr, and I struggle sometimes with accents. As we went in I then realised I had not been mistaken, he was referring to her as Zak and as a he.
Rach asked if I was ok, I couldn't speak, she came to where I sat and hugged me. I suggested I leave and wait outside, I was in a pathetic state. I told the Dr I had not realised she had changed her name, he carried on referring to her as he and as Zak. The whole session went by with a blur, I did not have a clue what had been said. I couldn't wait to get outside, the waiting room was full of people but I didn't care, Dr Makala asked if I would like to sit in another room with a glass of water, I had to leave and out of that door I went. I was glad that Rach had driven that day, we drove back in silence except for my sobs. Another appointment had been made March 28th 11am.

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