I had a good nights sleep after the clinic yesterday. It had been taking me ages to fall asleep on the run up to the appointment, I looked and felt shattered, people were commenting! I had been lying awake and torturing myself with the operation process, I imagined it as a mutilation I couldn't help myself my mind had got the better of me.
I had spoken to all my family regards the outcome of the consultation, my sis had said she couldn't get the operation out of her mind and was glad that it had been put on hold.
It was still a waiting game and I know that my emotions will be sky high once again on the run up to the next appointment.
I am feeling more confident about the whole thing and want to share it with people that don't know. There are quite a few people who are aware, most of the family, immediate neighbours, my close friends but still a few who perhaps need to know.
Rach had decided not to tell her grandad, he is 83 and suffers from mild dementia. Rach visits regularly to do his cleaning and shopping, I'm not sure how he would react but then I'm not sure what his reaction will be when her voice breaks and she has facial hair.
Rach has one paternal uncle but its very rare that she sees him, she isn't bothered if he knows or not, her dad has not spoken to him for more than 20yrs and her uncle would probably laugh as he likes to 'get one over' on his brother, when she disclosed she was gay, he thought it fabulous as her dad is openly a homopohobic.
I had chatted to a colleague at school, I mentioned about telling others but he said to be careful as not everybody is as accepting.
The following Thursday we had our usual briefing at school. The men had been growing moustaches for movember. One of the men had chose not to and appeared in a toupee, he was sitting right next to me. My boss laughed and said he looked like a bad tranny, he then went onto joke about the documentary My Transsexual summer. That comment cut to the core I wanted to walk out but that would have bought attention to myself, I sat through the meeting with a very gutted feeling. I expected my boss to take me to one side after the meeting, but he obviously hadn't realised what he had said, if I hadn't been so emotional it probably wouldn't have affected me.
This was what life was going to be like for Rach, hurtful comments and people thinking it was a joke.
How do I tell my other neighbours? We live in a friendly street and they are going to notice changes. I have thought about sending their Xmas card and just signing it from myself, Will and Matt. I have already began to receive cards they have Rach inside.
Family have spoken about cards as Rach has her 21st on New Years eve, they are feeling uncomfortable about it. I expect its going to be a pink and blue day or very unisex!
I am still finding it difficult to call her W, she is W in my phone and I if I leave her a note I address it to W. I still feel like I have 3children at the moment, as I write this bit I am emotional.
How do I move on, I can't put Rach in my past, even though that would make her the happiest ever.
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