My calm time was now going to come to an end with an almighty bump.
One night we had talked about seeking help with a private consultant. Rach had enough knowledge of what to do and where to go as she had joined many forums.
I was unsure as it was a big financial commitment which could be for the rest of her life, I didn't want to put a downer on her plan but I had to be the logical one as all Rach saw was the end to her female being.
Rach had sorted the costing for her 3 monthly prescription and the blood test as the doctor had already said he wouldn't do it on the NHS, also she told me the cost for top surgery. No I wasn't going to remortgage, and yes she did suggest it!
Our only hope was that once she had been prescribed the hormone her Dr would then take it on and do it on the NHS.
Rach had all her facts, she wanted to see Dr Richard Curtis in London for the hormones and Dr Yellend a reputable surgeon in Brighton.
I thought no more about the conversation and so it went quiet again.
Nobody had talked about it within the family, I was feeling quite lonely. I had put my life on hold as I had to much to sort in my head but I was wishing I had a partner to share my problems with and also somebody to take me away so I could have a break from my everyday challenge.
A week later Rach told me she had an appointment to see Dr Curtis on the 27th October. It would be half term so I had no worry about going and asking for time off work.
As this sunk in I went into meltdown. It was happening. I broke down at work, it didn't help that Rach had sent me a text about changing her name to one we had both said we liked, I felt so guilty, Rach was prepared to do anything to make it easier for me, why was I been so selfish?
This waiting was going to be over. I couldn't see a way out, it had to happen I hated to see Rach still binding.
I needed somebody to talk to. I asked Rach about going to see Andy the LGBT coordinator, I had to know what to expect, I couldn't go and lose control like the 1st psychiatrist appointment we had.
I went to speak with him on the Monday before our Thursday meeting. It was so good to talk to somebody who knew what they were on about, this was the first person I had spoken to with some knowledge, I came away feeling better, I had discussed my reactions and how I had been coping, it was great to hear that it was all normal, I wasn't a terrible mother after all. I had explained to Andy about the name situation. I had told Rach I didn't like Zak, it wasn't a name I would ever have chose and thought that was maybe why I had a problem calling it her. We decided on William, I would call her Will. William after her life long hero Liam Gallagher and also my grandfathers name. That same night she changed her name by deed poll, William Zakery, people could still call her Zak too.
Andy had suggested I set myself a date when I call her the male name, what better date than the following Thursday when we went off to London.
I had planned to wake her up by calling it her, it didn't happen.
Off to London we went.
A very early start, made our way to Uxbridge to get the underground to Oxford Circus, we then had a 10 minute walk, I had google mapped the route, we would arrive and have a couple of minutes to sit and compose ourselves.
Rach had driven as she felt less anxious.
We bought the tickets at Uxbridge, then we had a phone call, Dr Richard Curtis would not be in the clinic today. They would ring and make another appointment, also refund the cost of today.
OMG, how dare he, all the emotion, the time we spent travelling, the cost, Rach having time off work, I was quite angry.
At least we were better off than the clients who had actually flew from other countries!
We sat in a cafe not knowing what to do, was this an omen, would the Dr agree to do it on the NHS, I am a big believer in fate.
Rach made an appointment for the next day with her GP whilst we sat in the cafe, as she had the paperwork they had asked for, were things going to go her way?
Rach had changed her Drs, hoping that the surgery we were both now registered would have more of an idea. Her first appointment had been quite positive, all she needed was proof off the PCT that they would fund hormones, Andy had been chasing it up, he now had that. We went to the surgery on the Friday only to be met with another barrier. This Dr was going to prescribe, first he had to double check with the previous Dr she had seen, the answer was no.
My family had still not mentioned anything, only my youngest sis knew and that was because we were planning some little trips out with her children over the half term break.
My emotions were all over the place, I had a really arsey attitude, I could talk to my family but chose not too, I really didn't think they thought it was still happening.
I was so withdrawn I couldn't be bothered, we still met up each weekend I was there in spirit but just not my usual self. My sis asked if I was ok because I appeared quiet, I just said I was fine, if I had said anymore I would have been crying all over the place, I half expected her to ring that evening, no call.
I was fed up of breaking down, I was crying every night I looked such a mess in the mornings. I had an eye infection so got away with having to explain, this was due to stress. I could not see how I was going to get through this on my own.
Rach had been devising ways to get the £6000 together for top surgery, she has always been a good saver, she had her savings book now, one which I had paid into all of her life. Rach had already had some money from this as she had bought a private number plate, the bit she had left was added to the money she had frantically been saving.
One night she showed me that she had £6000, she was now saving for the travel and expenses.
My stress levels were through the roof, how could I keep up. Everything had been on hold for so long by the New Year Rach would be on track.
All I saw was the operation and these major changes, my family were talking of Christmas I couldn't bear to think beyond tomorrow.
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