How weeks fly by, to think that this time last week we were in London...
Everything is so positive but unfortunately I need to have a moan!!
Not one person , well, family member has asked how we went on with the appointment. I had told my family the week before we had this appointment and explained it was all about the next stage of surgery etc, my sis who I don't see that often reads my blog.
I have spoken to my sister's over the phone but they never asked how it went and I chose not to mention it. Even worse my brother rang me as we were leaving London. W took the call but he acted as if it was the norm me taking a day off work to spend it in London, when I called him back he never asked why I had been there.
Thank goodness for my friends and work colleagues, I received lots of encouraging and supportive text messages and phone calls.
Rant over!
Life is a parallel universe I don't think that it will ever be any different.
Friday, 7 December 2012
Sunday, 2 December 2012
(68) Now in the NHS loop...
Appointment at Charing cross gender clinic...
Very easy to find straight off the underground at Hammersmith and a 5 minute walk.
The clinic was discreetly located above Sainsbury's.
We were a little early but that gave us a chance to chill after the long journey.
There were more FTM's at this clinic, I have only met MTF's on previous visits to Richard Curtis's clinic.
W was called in for his appointment more or less bang on time which is very good for the NHS!
I went in with him, the psychiatrist Sharmini Rajenthran, double checked with W and said it would become personal at times, W agreed that he wanted me in with him.
One hour 15 minutes later, we had totally repeated his life story. We have done this for the third time now...Dr Makala, Richard Curtis and now Sharmini Rajenthran ... don't these professionals share W's notes?
So surprise, surprise W has to go back at the end of March to once again tell his life story too another gender professional. This appointment is with James Barrett.
A blood test has to be done too, this is to check hormone levels and liver, kidney function.
Afterwards a decision will be made to see if W fits the criteria for surgery and then we have the battle of applying for the funding.
I am so glad that W was able to fund his hormones and top surgery, to think that you have years on the NHS before anything is done and having to live in a body you despise.
I don't know where W would have been mentally if he was still binding and his voice hadn't deepened.
So here we are on the next part of this wonderful journey!!
Very easy to find straight off the underground at Hammersmith and a 5 minute walk.
The clinic was discreetly located above Sainsbury's.
We were a little early but that gave us a chance to chill after the long journey.
There were more FTM's at this clinic, I have only met MTF's on previous visits to Richard Curtis's clinic.
W was called in for his appointment more or less bang on time which is very good for the NHS!
I went in with him, the psychiatrist Sharmini Rajenthran, double checked with W and said it would become personal at times, W agreed that he wanted me in with him.
One hour 15 minutes later, we had totally repeated his life story. We have done this for the third time now...Dr Makala, Richard Curtis and now Sharmini Rajenthran ... don't these professionals share W's notes?
So surprise, surprise W has to go back at the end of March to once again tell his life story too another gender professional. This appointment is with James Barrett.
A blood test has to be done too, this is to check hormone levels and liver, kidney function.
Afterwards a decision will be made to see if W fits the criteria for surgery and then we have the battle of applying for the funding.
I am so glad that W was able to fund his hormones and top surgery, to think that you have years on the NHS before anything is done and having to live in a body you despise.
I don't know where W would have been mentally if he was still binding and his voice hadn't deepened.
So here we are on the next part of this wonderful journey!!
Tuesday, 27 November 2012
(67) Friday appointment - Charing Cross.
This Friday off we go to Charing Cross...Well, not actually the hospital building but the gender clinic which is situated above Sainsbury's on the next corner, really hoping it is a discreet building and hasn't got gender clinic plastered around it.
Have mapped the route and times and appears quite easy to get too off the underground.
As W has been waiting over a year or more for this appointment and due to their incompetence of not sending an appointment, I am hoping that things move quite quickly now.
I am expecting a referral on Friday and hopefully a time scale for the reconstructive surgery. As W is 12 months into hormones and 6 months post top surgery they can not argue his decision to go ahead. W is positively male now, I think he has grown the facial hair especially for this appointment...
W did think I was having a joke and I wasn't serious about my expectations, he tells me that he will have to have at least 3 more consultations to convince them and then he doesn't expect to have surgery within the next 3years. Really hope it's him that is joking, surely they should be moving this completion on now so that W can get on with his life.
All in all a very settled time nothing to report on.
I have a very happy, growing, masculine, deep voiced son.
Have mapped the route and times and appears quite easy to get too off the underground.
As W has been waiting over a year or more for this appointment and due to their incompetence of not sending an appointment, I am hoping that things move quite quickly now.
I am expecting a referral on Friday and hopefully a time scale for the reconstructive surgery. As W is 12 months into hormones and 6 months post top surgery they can not argue his decision to go ahead. W is positively male now, I think he has grown the facial hair especially for this appointment...
W did think I was having a joke and I wasn't serious about my expectations, he tells me that he will have to have at least 3 more consultations to convince them and then he doesn't expect to have surgery within the next 3years. Really hope it's him that is joking, surely they should be moving this completion on now so that W can get on with his life.
All in all a very settled time nothing to report on.
I have a very happy, growing, masculine, deep voiced son.
Sunday, 4 November 2012
(66) Boys V Girls
Had a couple of odd conversations recently...
Spoke with my nephews other half who I have only met a couple of times. Conversation got onto children, she compared her son with her daughter and told me how different girls were. W was with me at the time and she said I was lucky to have two boys as girls are a handful!!
Second conversation exactly the same, again a comparison between sons and daughters.
I feel like shouting out 'Yes I know, I had a daughter for 19 years'.
Matt in a dilemma at the moment.
Matt has introduced W as his brother to his girlfriend and not said anything about the transition.
Confusion when they are with his dad. As dad refers to W as 'Rach'. This has happened a couple of times so his girlfriend has questioned it, wondering if he has a sister somewhere.
Matt brushed it off and told her it was a tale for some other time.
So, this weekend was the some other time!!
Matt's girlfriend had stayed over at his dads after spending the evening with me. As usual Matt is questioned about 'Rach'. Matt was asked again who was 'Rach', so he has explained briefly what W has chosen to do and exactly how is dad reacted, hence W not talked about.
Conversation went well and he still has a relationship!
Quite a difficult situation as W wants to be stealth, small world as a couple of more people now know and who do they know?
On the whole W is in a fantastic place at the moment, happy, bubbly and working his socks off at Uni.
I am really lucky and proud to have two beautiful, healthy children who are doing so well in life.
Spoke with my nephews other half who I have only met a couple of times. Conversation got onto children, she compared her son with her daughter and told me how different girls were. W was with me at the time and she said I was lucky to have two boys as girls are a handful!!
Second conversation exactly the same, again a comparison between sons and daughters.
I feel like shouting out 'Yes I know, I had a daughter for 19 years'.
Matt in a dilemma at the moment.
Matt has introduced W as his brother to his girlfriend and not said anything about the transition.
Confusion when they are with his dad. As dad refers to W as 'Rach'. This has happened a couple of times so his girlfriend has questioned it, wondering if he has a sister somewhere.
Matt brushed it off and told her it was a tale for some other time.
So, this weekend was the some other time!!
Matt's girlfriend had stayed over at his dads after spending the evening with me. As usual Matt is questioned about 'Rach'. Matt was asked again who was 'Rach', so he has explained briefly what W has chosen to do and exactly how is dad reacted, hence W not talked about.
Conversation went well and he still has a relationship!
Quite a difficult situation as W wants to be stealth, small world as a couple of more people now know and who do they know?
On the whole W is in a fantastic place at the moment, happy, bubbly and working his socks off at Uni.
I am really lucky and proud to have two beautiful, healthy children who are doing so well in life.
Sunday, 21 October 2012
(65) Charing Cross
Life appears to be very settled and calm.
Not a great lot to report, W extremely happy at Uni and life on the whole brill for him. Great to see him so happy and confident. He has made new friends who have not got a clue so W has been accepted into their circle and enjoying a brand new social life.
W rang Charing Cross last week to see where he was in the system...What a joke. W has had funding for the appointment to go ahead for a year, unfortunately nobody had sent out an appointment, incompetence at its best!!!
Appointment on 30th November, need to chat to the boss to secure my time off.
Not sure what the outcome of this will be, they can't say no to the reconstructive surgery as W has gone so far now, will be interesting to see what happens, especially the time scale.
Had a couple of ex students pop into school to see me over the last couple of weeks, quite an awkward situ as they knew 'Rach', luckily I had no other students around when they asked how 'she' was. Sure keeps me on my toes!
Not a great lot to report, W extremely happy at Uni and life on the whole brill for him. Great to see him so happy and confident. He has made new friends who have not got a clue so W has been accepted into their circle and enjoying a brand new social life.
W rang Charing Cross last week to see where he was in the system...What a joke. W has had funding for the appointment to go ahead for a year, unfortunately nobody had sent out an appointment, incompetence at its best!!!
Appointment on 30th November, need to chat to the boss to secure my time off.
Not sure what the outcome of this will be, they can't say no to the reconstructive surgery as W has gone so far now, will be interesting to see what happens, especially the time scale.
Had a couple of ex students pop into school to see me over the last couple of weeks, quite an awkward situ as they knew 'Rach', luckily I had no other students around when they asked how 'she' was. Sure keeps me on my toes!
Sunday, 16 September 2012
(64) Positives are beating the negative!
Had a really good heart to heart with Matt last week.
This came about as he had finished with his girlfriend who turned out to be not a very nice person... She sent me a private message through Facebook obviously very upset that Matt had ended the relationship, slating Matt and how he despised W deciding on becoming a man. I replied in a positive way to try and make her feel better. She sent a message, intending to hurt me and referred to W as a tranny! Mmm very nice girl.
Matt and I had a good open chat, the first one we have had discussing W. Matt's main concerns are a couple of his workmates, the majority are fine with it as they have known W as 'Rach' and suspected the transition, and told Matt to be proud of him as that was a big decision to do what he has.
There are a couple of younger lads who he works with and if they know about W they would give him constant stick and Matt doesn't want to lose his rag as he would have to defend W. I felt very proud of Matt but also concerned as I don't want him giving anybody a popped nose!
Matt also discussed his difficulty in calling him W. As Matt lives with his dad and it's not discussed there W is still Rach. Matt sees a lot of his grandad too, so once again he is still in the world where Rach exists. Matt does try his best when he's with W.
Another great positive... I spent a couple of hours with my aunty yesterday, we were on our own and she asked about W, that is the first time she has called him W.
W begins University once again tomorrow! Brand new start, new people and new Uni!
On the whole things are good.
This came about as he had finished with his girlfriend who turned out to be not a very nice person... She sent me a private message through Facebook obviously very upset that Matt had ended the relationship, slating Matt and how he despised W deciding on becoming a man. I replied in a positive way to try and make her feel better. She sent a message, intending to hurt me and referred to W as a tranny! Mmm very nice girl.
Matt and I had a good open chat, the first one we have had discussing W. Matt's main concerns are a couple of his workmates, the majority are fine with it as they have known W as 'Rach' and suspected the transition, and told Matt to be proud of him as that was a big decision to do what he has.
There are a couple of younger lads who he works with and if they know about W they would give him constant stick and Matt doesn't want to lose his rag as he would have to defend W. I felt very proud of Matt but also concerned as I don't want him giving anybody a popped nose!
Matt also discussed his difficulty in calling him W. As Matt lives with his dad and it's not discussed there W is still Rach. Matt sees a lot of his grandad too, so once again he is still in the world where Rach exists. Matt does try his best when he's with W.
Another great positive... I spent a couple of hours with my aunty yesterday, we were on our own and she asked about W, that is the first time she has called him W.
W begins University once again tomorrow! Brand new start, new people and new Uni!
On the whole things are good.
Sunday, 19 August 2012
(63) Latest hurdle
I decided that it was time that I went to visit my ex brother and sister in law. They live in Wales now and I don't get the opportunity to see them that often, in all honesty I have been putting it off whilst I was dealing with the transition.
My bro in law has no relationship with his brother (W's dad), they have not spoken for 20 years. I have been putting off this conversation about W and his decision, as I don't want anybody using it as 'one upmanship'.
I also felt it would be unfair to them to hear it secondhand, as it is no secret anymore news travels fast.
I dropped the bombshell... I'm not shocked anymore or perceive an outcome as I inform people, so I just take their reaction as it comes.
Well, there was no reaction. Ant made no comment and Iz just said 'As long as she is happy, she will always be my niece, I love her to bits'.
Job done, no mention until the following morning. Iz was asking how Matt had taken it and how had her dad reacted, I told her the story of his visit 18months ago, she was not surprised as she knows W's dad very well. Iz was asking how I was and how difficult it must have been. There was no reaction at all off Ant, no questions in fact it was as if he hadn't heard what I had said.
Finally, I think that the people who need to be informed have been...There is just the big question
'Do we tell Grandad'?
My bro in law has no relationship with his brother (W's dad), they have not spoken for 20 years. I have been putting off this conversation about W and his decision, as I don't want anybody using it as 'one upmanship'.
I also felt it would be unfair to them to hear it secondhand, as it is no secret anymore news travels fast.
I dropped the bombshell... I'm not shocked anymore or perceive an outcome as I inform people, so I just take their reaction as it comes.
Well, there was no reaction. Ant made no comment and Iz just said 'As long as she is happy, she will always be my niece, I love her to bits'.
Job done, no mention until the following morning. Iz was asking how Matt had taken it and how had her dad reacted, I told her the story of his visit 18months ago, she was not surprised as she knows W's dad very well. Iz was asking how I was and how difficult it must have been. There was no reaction at all off Ant, no questions in fact it was as if he hadn't heard what I had said.
Finally, I think that the people who need to be informed have been...There is just the big question
'Do we tell Grandad'?
Sunday, 12 August 2012
(62) Catch up.
Seems a while since I updated.
I am enjoying the break from school and doing just as the psychologist suggested, putting myself first and indulging myself!!
So, I have redecorated my bedroom, new carpet too and bought some little bits and bobs. I had new windows fitted so all in all the place is looking quite good.
I took the opportunity to go with my friend, (who technically should be living in Greece) to visit a couple Maureen and Mark, who I met in Greece, they now live in Yorkshire as a major change in circumstance bought them back to the UK. (Maureen has a blog which I have been following)
Mark had a very unpleasant accident 18months ago which has left him paralysed, so there life changing situation runs quite parallel to mine, all of the emotions and feelings it's quite ironic. Maureen and I chatted and chatted for what seemed like hours, sharing each others story whilst drinking a few glasses of red, both of us understanding exactly what a tough time we have had, and fears for the future.
Day to day is very normal.I still haven't seen the scars but I do ask how they are. W has been buying some cream off the internet... This is to help with the scarring. It's quite expensive, Dermatix. W asked for some on prescription and the Dr has prescribed it.
W has been offered a place at a different University to start back this September, at least he can begin his new chapter as W.
I am enjoying the break from school and doing just as the psychologist suggested, putting myself first and indulging myself!!
So, I have redecorated my bedroom, new carpet too and bought some little bits and bobs. I had new windows fitted so all in all the place is looking quite good.
I took the opportunity to go with my friend, (who technically should be living in Greece) to visit a couple Maureen and Mark, who I met in Greece, they now live in Yorkshire as a major change in circumstance bought them back to the UK. (Maureen has a blog which I have been following)
Mark had a very unpleasant accident 18months ago which has left him paralysed, so there life changing situation runs quite parallel to mine, all of the emotions and feelings it's quite ironic. Maureen and I chatted and chatted for what seemed like hours, sharing each others story whilst drinking a few glasses of red, both of us understanding exactly what a tough time we have had, and fears for the future.
Day to day is very normal.I still haven't seen the scars but I do ask how they are. W has been buying some cream off the internet... This is to help with the scarring. It's quite expensive, Dermatix. W asked for some on prescription and the Dr has prescribed it.
W has been offered a place at a different University to start back this September, at least he can begin his new chapter as W.
Friday, 20 July 2012
(61)...Another week has passed by.
W has coped very well at work, first week back done, no aches or pains just soaking wet every night when he got in!! To think this time last year he was in agony with constant daily binding for hours.
Saw my eldest sister on Tuesday evening first time since the operation, went to visit with my aunt and elder sis, was good to get out too. Not much was said at all which surprised me, obviously she asked how W was and that was it, no mention of the operation.
I expect everybody thinks I am ok now, as it has been a few weeks now, and it becomes less spoken about, I wish it was that easy. Still on my parallel universe.
Dr Matt Johnson came into school on Wednesday. I still feel odd sitting in a chair and listening to given advice he was very understanding, he put things into perspective and made it all feel right to feel like I still do. Was really good to talk to somebody, I had a lot to get off my chest and needed reassurance that these feelings and thoughts were the the norm, I was emotional. I'm still in this bereavement zone. I keep going over in my head when they wheeled him down to theatre, it's such a vivid image... I have a very happy, healthy child, so why?
He had no magic wand but told me to spoil myself during the summer break and to put myself first as I have wrapped myself up with work in order to cope and have burnt myself out hence my low emotional state at present. Whilst chatting I realised that I have W as a 21 year old going through puberty but acting like a 13year old boy, quite a mummy's boy and loving it, not complaining as I missed out on Matt and I am in my element looking after him.
I spoke about the blog and how it has helped us both, he did suggest that I should think seriously about having them both published as there is a gap with support.
A colleague called round last night, he did say he didn't realise it was W who had opened the door until we started chatting, he welcomed him to manhood and told him he was looking good! People are noticing the changes with him now, not just the voice but his face has altered. W has grown a little taller. we have marked his height on the kitchen door but he has only grown an inch he appears to be catching me up now!
Matt bought me back down to earth, he had a speeding fine this week, last week he was caught without his seat belt on, mmm kids!
Saw my eldest sister on Tuesday evening first time since the operation, went to visit with my aunt and elder sis, was good to get out too. Not much was said at all which surprised me, obviously she asked how W was and that was it, no mention of the operation.
I expect everybody thinks I am ok now, as it has been a few weeks now, and it becomes less spoken about, I wish it was that easy. Still on my parallel universe.
Dr Matt Johnson came into school on Wednesday. I still feel odd sitting in a chair and listening to given advice he was very understanding, he put things into perspective and made it all feel right to feel like I still do. Was really good to talk to somebody, I had a lot to get off my chest and needed reassurance that these feelings and thoughts were the the norm, I was emotional. I'm still in this bereavement zone. I keep going over in my head when they wheeled him down to theatre, it's such a vivid image... I have a very happy, healthy child, so why?
He had no magic wand but told me to spoil myself during the summer break and to put myself first as I have wrapped myself up with work in order to cope and have burnt myself out hence my low emotional state at present. Whilst chatting I realised that I have W as a 21 year old going through puberty but acting like a 13year old boy, quite a mummy's boy and loving it, not complaining as I missed out on Matt and I am in my element looking after him.
I spoke about the blog and how it has helped us both, he did suggest that I should think seriously about having them both published as there is a gap with support.
A colleague called round last night, he did say he didn't realise it was W who had opened the door until we started chatting, he welcomed him to manhood and told him he was looking good! People are noticing the changes with him now, not just the voice but his face has altered. W has grown a little taller. we have marked his height on the kitchen door but he has only grown an inch he appears to be catching me up now!
Matt bought me back down to earth, he had a speeding fine this week, last week he was caught without his seat belt on, mmm kids!
Friday, 13 July 2012
(60) Back 2 work
W is back to work tomorrow, I am going to miss him.
I have got quite used to him being around the house, especially when I come home from work. Work has been tough going and W being at home has given me somebody to moan too!
I read W's latest blog update, these blog entries have kept us both sane. We have many unspoken thoughts and feelings but writing them in the blog keeps us both up to date with each others emotions.
The psychologist came into school to arrange our first meeting, this Wednesday at lunctime. I felt a bit choked when he spoke to me, hopefully it will get me back on track.
I went to visit a new addition to my evergrowing family the other evening, my older sister Jan picked me up. She always asks how everybody is, I cringed when she asked how 'Rach' was, I don't think she will ever refer to him as anything else.
I have got quite used to him being around the house, especially when I come home from work. Work has been tough going and W being at home has given me somebody to moan too!
I read W's latest blog update, these blog entries have kept us both sane. We have many unspoken thoughts and feelings but writing them in the blog keeps us both up to date with each others emotions.
The psychologist came into school to arrange our first meeting, this Wednesday at lunctime. I felt a bit choked when he spoke to me, hopefully it will get me back on track.
I went to visit a new addition to my evergrowing family the other evening, my older sister Jan picked me up. She always asks how everybody is, I cringed when she asked how 'Rach' was, I don't think she will ever refer to him as anything else.
Thursday, 5 July 2012
(59) Update...
W is still off work, considering going back as he really doesn't cope with being at home all day on his own, he can lift his arms a lot more now and is driving.
I am feeling less emotional now have been extremely busy with work and have had the chance to get out and about more with friends which has done me good.
I am talking about it without breaking down as much still getting a little choked but all ok.
My biggest concern is that I haven't asked to see the scars to check how it's healing, not seen it since the staples were removed so feeling like a terrible mum, this upsets me as I know if it was an appendix operation for example I would be checking the healing everyday!!
Spoke to Julia at school today and raised this concern, she told me it is normal as I am there for W and he knows that, just to take each day in my stride. Not heard off Dr Johnson as yet, my head teacher has asked that he gets in touch with me.
I am feeling less emotional now have been extremely busy with work and have had the chance to get out and about more with friends which has done me good.
I am talking about it without breaking down as much still getting a little choked but all ok.
My biggest concern is that I haven't asked to see the scars to check how it's healing, not seen it since the staples were removed so feeling like a terrible mum, this upsets me as I know if it was an appendix operation for example I would be checking the healing everyday!!
Spoke to Julia at school today and raised this concern, she told me it is normal as I am there for W and he knows that, just to take each day in my stride. Not heard off Dr Johnson as yet, my head teacher has asked that he gets in touch with me.
Friday, 22 June 2012
(58) How should I be feeling???
Brighton trip came around quite quickly.
I have mixed feelings, I really want to be a part of W's celebrations as I'm sure he wants to be cracking open the champagne but something inside will not let me share.
We got to the hospital and were taken into Mr Yellands consulting room, the nurse was with us too. Mr Yelland asked W to lie on the bed, I didn't really want to watch this procedure but as the nurse only pulled the curtain part way I had no option. So within 10 mins W had no dressings or staples in, just a bruised and slightly swollen chest.
It was there now in front of me, W now has no breasts but a flat chest with restructured nipples...Mr Yelland has done a fabulous job and W is over the moon.
I have had no time on my own since the operation so I have constantly being hiding my feelings, not had the chance to have a cry to release these emotions.
I really don't know how I am suppose to be feeling, should I be as happy for W or am I allowed to feel a little down in the dumps? Emotions I hate them!
At work I am very lucky to have such caring colleagues, only problem when they ask how I am I break down and they hug me and make me worse...Like I have said before I am the one usually giving emotional support and I find it difficult to receive.
Everybody has gone quiet now, the first 3 days my phone was manic I now feel that not many people care. Hopefully I will hear from Dr Johnson soon that should put me on track, I really need a big kick up the bum but I also need time to grieve for my little girl.
I have mixed feelings, I really want to be a part of W's celebrations as I'm sure he wants to be cracking open the champagne but something inside will not let me share.
We got to the hospital and were taken into Mr Yellands consulting room, the nurse was with us too. Mr Yelland asked W to lie on the bed, I didn't really want to watch this procedure but as the nurse only pulled the curtain part way I had no option. So within 10 mins W had no dressings or staples in, just a bruised and slightly swollen chest.
It was there now in front of me, W now has no breasts but a flat chest with restructured nipples...Mr Yelland has done a fabulous job and W is over the moon.
I have had no time on my own since the operation so I have constantly being hiding my feelings, not had the chance to have a cry to release these emotions.
I really don't know how I am suppose to be feeling, should I be as happy for W or am I allowed to feel a little down in the dumps? Emotions I hate them!
At work I am very lucky to have such caring colleagues, only problem when they ask how I am I break down and they hug me and make me worse...Like I have said before I am the one usually giving emotional support and I find it difficult to receive.
Everybody has gone quiet now, the first 3 days my phone was manic I now feel that not many people care. Hopefully I will hear from Dr Johnson soon that should put me on track, I really need a big kick up the bum but I also need time to grieve for my little girl.
Tuesday, 12 June 2012
(57) Putting on a brave face
After spending the last 5 days at W's side it was difficult leaving for work on Monday morning. W was concerned about been left alone and we had discussed that I could ask my boss if I could leave at lunchtime.
I had not had any time on my own to sort my head, so arriving to school on Monday and my colleagues showing concern didn't help my emotions! I was a blubbering wreck. I went to speak to my boss who as usual was supportive and agreed that I should leave on the Monday and Tuesday at lunchtime. I managed to get through the morning but felt more like a spare part.
My boss called me into his office this morning, he offered me some emotional support off our other Psychologist he is a Dr. I refused at first, as I could chat to Julia on Thursday, but then admitted that I am not as strong as I thought I was and it wouldn't do any harm so it's being arranged.
We went to the Drs this afternoon as W required more painkillers and a sick note. His dressing needs changing as it has dried blood and is quite hard, the nurse was not available so we have an appointment for tomorrow. After chatting on the forums he has decided to leave the dressing until Monday now as we don't want any mishaps. Not that we don't trust the nurse but the nipple has separate dressings which can not be removed and they may come off with the outer dressing.
W came out with a lovely comment at teatime which bought me back down to earth and understanding his desperate need to go through all of this... We were talking about holidays and he said just book it mum I'll come with you, W has refused numerous holidays these last few years, which I reminded him, he said no problem now I'll come anytime there's nothing stopping me anymore. Pity I can't afford to go as I would have booked something there and then!
I had not had any time on my own to sort my head, so arriving to school on Monday and my colleagues showing concern didn't help my emotions! I was a blubbering wreck. I went to speak to my boss who as usual was supportive and agreed that I should leave on the Monday and Tuesday at lunchtime. I managed to get through the morning but felt more like a spare part.
My boss called me into his office this morning, he offered me some emotional support off our other Psychologist he is a Dr. I refused at first, as I could chat to Julia on Thursday, but then admitted that I am not as strong as I thought I was and it wouldn't do any harm so it's being arranged.
We went to the Drs this afternoon as W required more painkillers and a sick note. His dressing needs changing as it has dried blood and is quite hard, the nurse was not available so we have an appointment for tomorrow. After chatting on the forums he has decided to leave the dressing until Monday now as we don't want any mishaps. Not that we don't trust the nurse but the nipple has separate dressings which can not be removed and they may come off with the outer dressing.
W came out with a lovely comment at teatime which bought me back down to earth and understanding his desperate need to go through all of this... We were talking about holidays and he said just book it mum I'll come with you, W has refused numerous holidays these last few years, which I reminded him, he said no problem now I'll come anytime there's nothing stopping me anymore. Pity I can't afford to go as I would have booked something there and then!
Sunday, 10 June 2012
(56) ...End of chapter one!
Operation accomplished!!
W was wheeled down to theatre at 10.50am. Mr Yelland had been in to put arrows and lines on his chest just after 8am.
Had tried my best to keep it together, had a little cry when W asked how I was in the hotel just before we left, felt awful as W is very sensitive to my feelings. Completely lost it when he was wheeled out, I just stared through the window fighting back my tears, the nurse reassured W that it was perfectly natural that I would be upset.
We were told he would be back at 1pm. 2 hours to kill, we headed into Brighton and popped in and out of shops, not a clue which ones as I was on automatic pilot. S was brill she just diverted the whole situation. S then bought Will a Dinosaur 'onesie' from Primark!
At the back of mind I was selfishly hoping he had decided against it, expecting a text to collect him... Also at the back of my mind I new he was going through with it and I know its the right thing.
Received loads of text messages from family and friends throughout the day and night, my support network is amazing. Had received a lovely card from my close friend Trish, 'thinking about you'.
Returned to the hospital at 1pm, no W. A nurse came in and said he would be about 20mins, at 1.45pm he was wheeled back in. Awake but totally out of it.
W was coming around quite well, high on painkillers and morphine. Teatime arrived, S and I went to the pub over the road for a quick meal, whilst we left W to have a meal. Returned and W had been very sick, not manged to eat a thing.
W had not yet been to the loo, I called a nurse to help him out of bed. His back was covered in blood from the operation, I cleaned him up whilst they sorted his bed. W was once again sick.
We left him at around 9pm and returned to the hotel, a very long day.
Once back in the room I spoke with my sister's, was good to be able to cry and not feel guilty.
It's been a roller coaster these last few days. Arrived home late Friday evening. W very uncomfortable on two types of painkillers. The worst part is the binding he is wrapped in, it restricts his breathing to a point. Very limited to what he can do, simple things like opening the fridge door and reaching into the cupboard for items, I think he's enjoying the 'being waited on' bit, wont be for much longer.
Had a few visitors yesterday and a couple of get well cards. My younger sis gave him a card and explained she wasn't sure if it should be a 'congratulations' one or 'get well', she opted for the get well soon.
Back to work tomorrow, feel like I need a few days off to get my head around all of this and to help W, no worries my neighbour has said she will be about if he needs anything.
Staples and stitches out week Monday, hope it's the result he wanted...
One hell of a lot of money to get this far.
W was wheeled down to theatre at 10.50am. Mr Yelland had been in to put arrows and lines on his chest just after 8am.
Had tried my best to keep it together, had a little cry when W asked how I was in the hotel just before we left, felt awful as W is very sensitive to my feelings. Completely lost it when he was wheeled out, I just stared through the window fighting back my tears, the nurse reassured W that it was perfectly natural that I would be upset.
We were told he would be back at 1pm. 2 hours to kill, we headed into Brighton and popped in and out of shops, not a clue which ones as I was on automatic pilot. S was brill she just diverted the whole situation. S then bought Will a Dinosaur 'onesie' from Primark!
At the back of mind I was selfishly hoping he had decided against it, expecting a text to collect him... Also at the back of my mind I new he was going through with it and I know its the right thing.
Received loads of text messages from family and friends throughout the day and night, my support network is amazing. Had received a lovely card from my close friend Trish, 'thinking about you'.
Returned to the hospital at 1pm, no W. A nurse came in and said he would be about 20mins, at 1.45pm he was wheeled back in. Awake but totally out of it.
W was coming around quite well, high on painkillers and morphine. Teatime arrived, S and I went to the pub over the road for a quick meal, whilst we left W to have a meal. Returned and W had been very sick, not manged to eat a thing.
W had not yet been to the loo, I called a nurse to help him out of bed. His back was covered in blood from the operation, I cleaned him up whilst they sorted his bed. W was once again sick.
We left him at around 9pm and returned to the hotel, a very long day.
Once back in the room I spoke with my sister's, was good to be able to cry and not feel guilty.
It's been a roller coaster these last few days. Arrived home late Friday evening. W very uncomfortable on two types of painkillers. The worst part is the binding he is wrapped in, it restricts his breathing to a point. Very limited to what he can do, simple things like opening the fridge door and reaching into the cupboard for items, I think he's enjoying the 'being waited on' bit, wont be for much longer.
Had a few visitors yesterday and a couple of get well cards. My younger sis gave him a card and explained she wasn't sure if it should be a 'congratulations' one or 'get well', she opted for the get well soon.
Back to work tomorrow, feel like I need a few days off to get my head around all of this and to help W, no worries my neighbour has said she will be about if he needs anything.
Staples and stitches out week Monday, hope it's the result he wanted...
One hell of a lot of money to get this far.
Saturday, 2 June 2012
(55) This time next week!
Met up with all of my family this afternoon, doesn't happen very often. Everybody wished us well but my brother appeared oblivious to it, will give him a call over the weekend.
My aunty quite concerned and she made me a little tearful on the way home.
All of my close friends and colleagues have shown their support, I have never had so many hugs and text messages. It's been a long journey to this point and appreciate their words of comfort, truths and kicks up the bum to get me out of those black times.
My older sister Jan asked if we had heard from his dad... Absolutely nothing, he has walked past our house and ignored W and me on a number of occasions when we were on the drive. Not even worrying about his outburst when he finds out, it's going to be my fault whatever happens to the kids!
Good news, S has now got the time off and managed to book into the same hotel as us but at a price!
We didn't know until yesterday, she checked her rota for next week and found that she was on holiday...incompetence comes to mind.
Only problem, what does she tell her mum and dad, they have no idea that W is biologically a female!
W came up with the idea to tell her parents that he was having Gynecomastia surgery. S has told them and they have accepted that, only comment being, 'Why can't people be happy with their bodies'?
Just want it to be over with now and W to be OK, hope he copes with the discomfort, small price to pay for his happiness!
On half term but wishing the week away, this time next week it will all be over with and I will be nurse mummy!!
Thank you to everybody who has been there for me...
My aunty quite concerned and she made me a little tearful on the way home.
All of my close friends and colleagues have shown their support, I have never had so many hugs and text messages. It's been a long journey to this point and appreciate their words of comfort, truths and kicks up the bum to get me out of those black times.
My older sister Jan asked if we had heard from his dad... Absolutely nothing, he has walked past our house and ignored W and me on a number of occasions when we were on the drive. Not even worrying about his outburst when he finds out, it's going to be my fault whatever happens to the kids!
Good news, S has now got the time off and managed to book into the same hotel as us but at a price!
We didn't know until yesterday, she checked her rota for next week and found that she was on holiday...incompetence comes to mind.
Only problem, what does she tell her mum and dad, they have no idea that W is biologically a female!
W came up with the idea to tell her parents that he was having Gynecomastia surgery. S has told them and they have accepted that, only comment being, 'Why can't people be happy with their bodies'?
Just want it to be over with now and W to be OK, hope he copes with the discomfort, small price to pay for his happiness!
On half term but wishing the week away, this time next week it will all be over with and I will be nurse mummy!!
Thank you to everybody who has been there for me...
Sunday, 27 May 2012
(54)....So close!
9 days to go...
Odd emotions, can talk freely to W about it then the next minute I feel like I could break down! What's that all about?
On a residential trip with a group of students this week, so glad as it will keep my mind off things, just counting the days now.
S found out a few days ago that she is unable to have the time off. She requested the days weeks ago but due to staffing they will not honour them, so it's going to be just the two of us. Hoping I can stay at the hospital for most of the day then I only have the evening to get through.
W very nervous but confident about the whole thing, he just needs to buy some cheap shirts as he wont be pulling anything over his head for a few days...ouch!!
Odd emotions, can talk freely to W about it then the next minute I feel like I could break down! What's that all about?
On a residential trip with a group of students this week, so glad as it will keep my mind off things, just counting the days now.
S found out a few days ago that she is unable to have the time off. She requested the days weeks ago but due to staffing they will not honour them, so it's going to be just the two of us. Hoping I can stay at the hospital for most of the day then I only have the evening to get through.
W very nervous but confident about the whole thing, he just needs to buy some cheap shirts as he wont be pulling anything over his head for a few days...ouch!!
Thursday, 10 May 2012
(53) Paranoid mummy!
Reality is hitting now.
Was doing OK until my sister asked how I was at the weekend, it's the first time anybody has asked how I was feeling about it, felt a little choked but passed it off and changed the subject. She asked if I had booked the hotel, I hadn't but I have now...I know it's happening and getting close but at the same time feel like it's never going to happen.
Since the weekend I have had a little bit of time to myself and caught myself thinking about the whole situation, felt a little down about it but I'm sure that is natural.
I am avoiding any conversation about the operation.
I am in the middle, worrying about how W is feeling and reassuring him, then covering my feelings so as not to concern him. Very mixed emotions, but I'm sure if he was having his tonsils out I would be this paranoid mummy!!
A friend dropped by earlier who I have not seen in months. He was very impressed with W's masculinity and how relaxed he was as W. He mentioned the anxiety as W had worked part time for him a while ago and he had witnessed this. As this has subsided now it's obvious that the dysphoria was the root of it, as time goes by I forget just how ill W had been at times.
Was doing OK until my sister asked how I was at the weekend, it's the first time anybody has asked how I was feeling about it, felt a little choked but passed it off and changed the subject. She asked if I had booked the hotel, I hadn't but I have now...I know it's happening and getting close but at the same time feel like it's never going to happen.
Since the weekend I have had a little bit of time to myself and caught myself thinking about the whole situation, felt a little down about it but I'm sure that is natural.
I am avoiding any conversation about the operation.
I am in the middle, worrying about how W is feeling and reassuring him, then covering my feelings so as not to concern him. Very mixed emotions, but I'm sure if he was having his tonsils out I would be this paranoid mummy!!
A friend dropped by earlier who I have not seen in months. He was very impressed with W's masculinity and how relaxed he was as W. He mentioned the anxiety as W had worked part time for him a while ago and he had witnessed this. As this has subsided now it's obvious that the dysphoria was the root of it, as time goes by I forget just how ill W had been at times.
Thursday, 3 May 2012
(52) Chaperone!
Had a lovely phone call off my eldest sister, Gill.
Not had chance to chat to her recently, we all went out to celebrate my aunts 80th birthday but not the place to catch up about W.
Gill and her hubby had offered to change their weeks holiday to coincide with the op in Brighton so they could be there with myself and W. I was quite touched by their offer but as S was coming with us I was going to be ok and not be on my own. I would have definitely took them up on the offer otherwise. Gill understood, I really appreciated her thoughtfulness.
Not had chance to chat to her recently, we all went out to celebrate my aunts 80th birthday but not the place to catch up about W.
Gill and her hubby had offered to change their weeks holiday to coincide with the op in Brighton so they could be there with myself and W. I was quite touched by their offer but as S was coming with us I was going to be ok and not be on my own. I would have definitely took them up on the offer otherwise. Gill understood, I really appreciated her thoughtfulness.
Wednesday, 25 April 2012
(51) RESPONSE!!!
When we had received the referral to Mr Yellend off Richard Curtis, I immediately told family and friends. W had contacted Mr Yellend's secretary the next day and secured the operation and the consultation dates. I informed everybody as we all need to prepare for this next step.
The days leading up to the visit I had a few text messages wishing us luck etc, none off any member of my family.
The evening before my older sis called me but never mentioned the appointment, it was a quick phone call as she had things to do. I didn't think anything but I expected a text later, nothing.
Again I'm on this parallel universe. It's not an emotional meltdown I am in control, I know people forget but if I was given this news about a family member it would be etched on my brain or written on the calendar! Or do I depend too much on my blog giving the messages???
On the way home from Brighton I had a couple of messages from my close friends.
I asked W to text my sister's telling them that everything had gone well. I was quite surprised with the response, two sister's had forgotten we were going and the other sent a brief message saying he hadn't got long to wait now.
At work the following day my close colleagues were asking all about it and then my head teacher spoke to me in his office. I had quite a lengthy chat with him and he was very supportive, telling me not to worry about any extra time off I may need. He also said I had the hardest job at the moment carrying all this around and functioning at school, I did explain I can leave personal problems at the door and carry on as normal also it helped to have supportive colleagues.
Emotionally I am feeling very strong at the moment.
That evening two of my sister's called me. I updated them and they apologised for not remembering, this whole situation is not talked about as often now when we meet up so I can excuse them their forgetfulness!!
Emotionally W is struggling with the thought of the operation, excited that in a few weeks he will be in a much better place, but he has never been in hospital before. Two main fears, having a drip put in and secondly waking up before it's over. Mr Yellend did call him a wimp regards the drip and convinced him (I think) that he would not wake up during the operation.
W's dad has not been in touch at all with him, its been 4months now since he has seen him. I am concerned about his response to W's voice breaking and when he finds out about the operation, I know it will be me who will get the ear bashing.
The days leading up to the visit I had a few text messages wishing us luck etc, none off any member of my family.
The evening before my older sis called me but never mentioned the appointment, it was a quick phone call as she had things to do. I didn't think anything but I expected a text later, nothing.
Again I'm on this parallel universe. It's not an emotional meltdown I am in control, I know people forget but if I was given this news about a family member it would be etched on my brain or written on the calendar! Or do I depend too much on my blog giving the messages???
On the way home from Brighton I had a couple of messages from my close friends.
I asked W to text my sister's telling them that everything had gone well. I was quite surprised with the response, two sister's had forgotten we were going and the other sent a brief message saying he hadn't got long to wait now.
At work the following day my close colleagues were asking all about it and then my head teacher spoke to me in his office. I had quite a lengthy chat with him and he was very supportive, telling me not to worry about any extra time off I may need. He also said I had the hardest job at the moment carrying all this around and functioning at school, I did explain I can leave personal problems at the door and carry on as normal also it helped to have supportive colleagues.
Emotionally I am feeling very strong at the moment.
That evening two of my sister's called me. I updated them and they apologised for not remembering, this whole situation is not talked about as often now when we meet up so I can excuse them their forgetfulness!!
Emotionally W is struggling with the thought of the operation, excited that in a few weeks he will be in a much better place, but he has never been in hospital before. Two main fears, having a drip put in and secondly waking up before it's over. Mr Yellend did call him a wimp regards the drip and convinced him (I think) that he would not wake up during the operation.
W's dad has not been in touch at all with him, its been 4months now since he has seen him. I am concerned about his response to W's voice breaking and when he finds out about the operation, I know it will be me who will get the ear bashing.
Tuesday, 24 April 2012
(50)... Operation confirmed
Off to Brighton we went, appointment was at 5.30pm with Mr Yellend. Never been before so a little unsure of timings, route times on the web were between 3 and a half to four hours, weather conditions were appalling but we did it in 4hours.
After driving straight to the Nuffield we drove to the sea front if only to see the iconic Brighton Pier. We managed to find an undercover shopping centre with parking, torrential rain so not a day to be on the Pier!
We had 2 hours before the appointment. First a lunch stop. The rain did cease a little, so a quick run round to the recently opened Pretty Green shop a purchase made and we decided on a quick walk to the front and a photo opportunity of the pier.
We made our way to the hospital and we were greeted by Mr Yellend by the reception so no hanging around drinking coffee. The day was going very quickly so no thinking time.
The Nuffield is set quite high up about 5 minutes from the sea front, the views were awesome.
Mr Yellend invited us in to his room. He has a very calm approach and very down to earth manner which put us both at ease.
After he had looked at W's chest he automatically told us the procedure he would recommend, sadly it has to be the bigger operation with the scars but as W wants a very flat result a double incision it is!
The consultation lasted about 45 minutes, as Mr Yellend was very informative I didn't have that much to ask and W had been chatting away as if he had known him for years!
So operation to go ahead 6th June. 3 nights in Brighton hopefully the sun will shine.
Not had time yet to dwell, but as I have come to terms with the situation I just want everything to be complete.
After driving straight to the Nuffield we drove to the sea front if only to see the iconic Brighton Pier. We managed to find an undercover shopping centre with parking, torrential rain so not a day to be on the Pier!
We had 2 hours before the appointment. First a lunch stop. The rain did cease a little, so a quick run round to the recently opened Pretty Green shop a purchase made and we decided on a quick walk to the front and a photo opportunity of the pier.
We made our way to the hospital and we were greeted by Mr Yellend by the reception so no hanging around drinking coffee. The day was going very quickly so no thinking time.
The Nuffield is set quite high up about 5 minutes from the sea front, the views were awesome.
Mr Yellend invited us in to his room. He has a very calm approach and very down to earth manner which put us both at ease.
After he had looked at W's chest he automatically told us the procedure he would recommend, sadly it has to be the bigger operation with the scars but as W wants a very flat result a double incision it is!
The consultation lasted about 45 minutes, as Mr Yellend was very informative I didn't have that much to ask and W had been chatting away as if he had known him for years!
So operation to go ahead 6th June. 3 nights in Brighton hopefully the sun will shine.
Not had time yet to dwell, but as I have come to terms with the situation I just want everything to be complete.
Wednesday, 18 April 2012
(49) Benidorm to Brighton!
Was great to have some quality time with W and Matt and also for W and Matt to spend some brotherly time together, I was one proud mum!!
The weather wasn't too hot so W coped fine with the binding, this did bring it home to me how important the next step is for W, I just want him to lead a normal life and have no barriers!!
It is getting much easier for me to call W, W and refer to him as he etc. My two friends also commented on how I was referring to him and how more at ease I appeared. I find this easier around friends and work colleagues, it still feels odd when I refer to W to family members as they still refer to him as she and Rach, going to have to bite the bullet and just do it, they do know who I am talking about!
Monday is getting closer, I have organised the time off with my boss he is so understanding, I always feel guilty when asking especially when I have just returned after a two week break!
I just want this next stage to be over and done with, mixed feelings at the moment.
I don't want to appear negative as I have come a long way, but I'm sure as a mum any fears and feelings of loss I have are normal... My child is having an operation.
I am just a little worried about how I will react, I have learnt so much about my emotions this past year and how out of control they can be.
On the positive side, W is going to be so happy and that makes me happy.
Tuesday, 3 April 2012
(48) Next stop Brighton!!
Had a good, traffic jam free journey to London yesterday. Late afternoon appointment so a more relaxed drive, S came along with us so we made a nice day of it too.
Dr Curtis is more than happy with the T levels and impressed with W's progress and whole outlook, a couple of times he said how 'blokey' he comes across. Dr Curtis is so friendly and very down to earth the whole session is very relaxed, he listens to W and certainly knows how to make him feel good about himself.
I was asked how I was dealing with everything now. At the moment I feel like this is how it's always been, it's the norm!! I had no reservations about yesterday's appointment and can't remember the last time I was on a 'downer'. That's not to say I don't sit and go into deep thought and worry about the future for W, but it's not that often plus I'm allowed I am his mum!
As everything has been rather smooth going lately, I am preparing myself for the next blip!
Dr Curtis has now agreed to do the referral letter to Mr Yelland in order for W to have top surgery. If all goes to plan, W aims to have it done the first week of June, it's half term for me so I have no worries about time off as we will be in Brighton for this, just the consultation appointment prior to the operation, 24th April. I feel calm at the moment but this is such a big irreversible operation, I will be supporting W and I will depend on my family and friends for my emotional support.
Dr Curtis is more than happy with the T levels and impressed with W's progress and whole outlook, a couple of times he said how 'blokey' he comes across. Dr Curtis is so friendly and very down to earth the whole session is very relaxed, he listens to W and certainly knows how to make him feel good about himself.
I was asked how I was dealing with everything now. At the moment I feel like this is how it's always been, it's the norm!! I had no reservations about yesterday's appointment and can't remember the last time I was on a 'downer'. That's not to say I don't sit and go into deep thought and worry about the future for W, but it's not that often plus I'm allowed I am his mum!
As everything has been rather smooth going lately, I am preparing myself for the next blip!
Dr Curtis has now agreed to do the referral letter to Mr Yelland in order for W to have top surgery. If all goes to plan, W aims to have it done the first week of June, it's half term for me so I have no worries about time off as we will be in Brighton for this, just the consultation appointment prior to the operation, 24th April. I feel calm at the moment but this is such a big irreversible operation, I will be supporting W and I will depend on my family and friends for my emotional support.
Sunday, 1 April 2012
(47) London check up
It doesn't seem 5 minutes since we were at Dr Curtis's clinic, now for the check up tomorrow!
W has a late afternoon appointment, he has had his blood test result in hand, so hopefully everything is at the correct levels and Dr Curtis is happy with the hormone dosage.
Everything appears to have happened over night, major changes and one happy W.
W has a late afternoon appointment, he has had his blood test result in hand, so hopefully everything is at the correct levels and Dr Curtis is happy with the hormone dosage.
Everything appears to have happened over night, major changes and one happy W.
Friday, 23 March 2012
(46) Mothers Day
I had the most amazing Mother's day ever...
I guessed my two were up to something on the Saturday evening, I was banned from entering the spare room.
Matt was apologetic as he was marshaling at a motocross event in Stafford early Sunday morning and it would be late afternoon before he saw me, this was quite a change to the normal, as Mother's day just passes by and I don't see him at all. W then said that Matt would be joining us for a roast dinner, that really made my day. Matt had not had a Sunday lunch with us since he left in March 2004!
I received the most enormous bouquet of flowers and a word perfect card off them both. The three of us sat and enjoyed a roast dinner (prepped by me) we had a few giggles and banter everything felt so normal.
Such a big change from Mother's day last year. It's good to reflect we have come such a long way.
I guessed my two were up to something on the Saturday evening, I was banned from entering the spare room.
Matt was apologetic as he was marshaling at a motocross event in Stafford early Sunday morning and it would be late afternoon before he saw me, this was quite a change to the normal, as Mother's day just passes by and I don't see him at all. W then said that Matt would be joining us for a roast dinner, that really made my day. Matt had not had a Sunday lunch with us since he left in March 2004!
I received the most enormous bouquet of flowers and a word perfect card off them both. The three of us sat and enjoyed a roast dinner (prepped by me) we had a few giggles and banter everything felt so normal.
Such a big change from Mother's day last year. It's good to reflect we have come such a long way.
Wednesday, 14 March 2012
(45) 3rd one done!
W's Dr was able to administer the 3rd injection, it gives peace of mind as this appears to be the correct loading phase for Nebido.
Last weekend we went to visit my niece and her new baby, W and I don't see her that often so the changes which had occurred were very obvious. My niece commented on W's voice and his facial changes, he has put a little weight on and it shows in his face.
It's still difficult for me when I see W holding a baby as he has always been a natural with babies and young children. We had a conversation later about his girlfriend having a baby in the future, it's a long way off yet as neither of them are ready for that commitment, hopefully I'll have few years to get my head around this and also that W is never going to be a biological parent.
Has been quite a positive time for W, he is passed as male all of the time now, plus he answered the phone and was mistaken for Matt. He sure had a big smile on his face.
Odd conversation with his grandad too. W had been to see him and then went to put his shopping away, Grandad then asked, 'Where was Matt'? W said, 'He hasn't come with me'. Grandad very confused then said, 'He is I've just been talking to him'!
W is now wondering if he should tell Grandad, we know this is going back on what he thought would be for the best but the changes are taking place a whole lot quicker than we expected. W has spoken to Matt and asked if he does tell Grandad and he dis owns him, would he find the time to clean his house, W would still do his shopping it would just mean that Matt would have to take it and put it away.
It's lovely that I have 2 wonderful, caring children, they obviously don't take after their father!!
Matt appears to be looking a bit healthier, I am feeding him when he sees me, which has been every day for last few weeks.
Last weekend we went to visit my niece and her new baby, W and I don't see her that often so the changes which had occurred were very obvious. My niece commented on W's voice and his facial changes, he has put a little weight on and it shows in his face.
It's still difficult for me when I see W holding a baby as he has always been a natural with babies and young children. We had a conversation later about his girlfriend having a baby in the future, it's a long way off yet as neither of them are ready for that commitment, hopefully I'll have few years to get my head around this and also that W is never going to be a biological parent.
Has been quite a positive time for W, he is passed as male all of the time now, plus he answered the phone and was mistaken for Matt. He sure had a big smile on his face.
Odd conversation with his grandad too. W had been to see him and then went to put his shopping away, Grandad then asked, 'Where was Matt'? W said, 'He hasn't come with me'. Grandad very confused then said, 'He is I've just been talking to him'!
W is now wondering if he should tell Grandad, we know this is going back on what he thought would be for the best but the changes are taking place a whole lot quicker than we expected. W has spoken to Matt and asked if he does tell Grandad and he dis owns him, would he find the time to clean his house, W would still do his shopping it would just mean that Matt would have to take it and put it away.
It's lovely that I have 2 wonderful, caring children, they obviously don't take after their father!!
Matt appears to be looking a bit healthier, I am feeding him when he sees me, which has been every day for last few weeks.
Monday, 5 March 2012
(44) Injection 3
W received the letter from Charing Cross to state that another injection should be given at 18 weeks. All going to plan, was a little concerned that he may have a bleed if the hormone was not topped up, hopefully he has seen the last of them.
Just feel like we have gone behind Dr Richard Curtis's back as he had told him differently. We go back to his gender clinic at the beginning of April to have W's blood levels checked, if he asks we'll tell him!
Otherwise all going well.
Matt concerning me still. Matt had blood results and they picked up on low calcium levels, so he has to have another in a month, would help if he ate properly but as he is constantly arguing with his dad at the moment he doesn't feel like eating. His relationship with his dad is awful, hopefully he'll soon realise where he is better off, his room is ready!
Kids hey!
Just feel like we have gone behind Dr Richard Curtis's back as he had told him differently. We go back to his gender clinic at the beginning of April to have W's blood levels checked, if he asks we'll tell him!
Otherwise all going well.
Matt concerning me still. Matt had blood results and they picked up on low calcium levels, so he has to have another in a month, would help if he ate properly but as he is constantly arguing with his dad at the moment he doesn't feel like eating. His relationship with his dad is awful, hopefully he'll soon realise where he is better off, his room is ready!
Kids hey!
Sunday, 26 February 2012
(43)...When should the next injection be??
Had quite a week, and it's not just W to concern me at the moment!
Matt had an incident involving his car, basically he got run off the road and then some scum bag stole his alloy wheels whilst he had to leave it on the roadside as he was unable to drive it! Was so gutted for him, it's such a horrible feeling when somebody does something across your child, he has worked his butt off for this car, it's his pride and joy. It's great to see how close Matt and W are, W is so protective of him, so happy as they have not lived together for 8 years but obviously that has had no lasting effect on their relationship.
All peaceful at the moment except for one issue which we are struggling to sort out. W was told when he should have the injections, ie 1 to start, another at 6 weeks and then 3 months later, then every 3 months. On the forums and guys he has spoken to have said that they had their 3rd one at 6 weeks, been in touch with Charing Cross and they have agreed he requires a 3rd at 6 weeks not 12 weeks. Now we are waiting for written confirmation so we can tell the Dr. Hope they hurry up 6 weeks flies by.
W's voice is very deep now, he is passing as a male totally! On the phone to my sister the other evening and she thought I had a secret bloke in with me as she could hear W in the background.
Matt had an incident involving his car, basically he got run off the road and then some scum bag stole his alloy wheels whilst he had to leave it on the roadside as he was unable to drive it! Was so gutted for him, it's such a horrible feeling when somebody does something across your child, he has worked his butt off for this car, it's his pride and joy. It's great to see how close Matt and W are, W is so protective of him, so happy as they have not lived together for 8 years but obviously that has had no lasting effect on their relationship.
All peaceful at the moment except for one issue which we are struggling to sort out. W was told when he should have the injections, ie 1 to start, another at 6 weeks and then 3 months later, then every 3 months. On the forums and guys he has spoken to have said that they had their 3rd one at 6 weeks, been in touch with Charing Cross and they have agreed he requires a 3rd at 6 weeks not 12 weeks. Now we are waiting for written confirmation so we can tell the Dr. Hope they hurry up 6 weeks flies by.
W's voice is very deep now, he is passing as a male totally! On the phone to my sister the other evening and she thought I had a secret bloke in with me as she could hear W in the background.
Friday, 17 February 2012
(42) Another message of support.
This is the message that W had received via his blog, I thought I should share it...
I sat and read your mums blog in one sitting with tears in my eyes and an ache in my heart. I hope you are aware how lucky you are to have such a wonderful loving supportive mum. I hope you tell her everyday that you love her and how much you appreciate her. And tell her from me if she ever considers adoption can I be first on the list !!
At times when I reflect over the last year, I have not felt like the supportive mum that people say I am.
I re read a blog entry and think was that really me? How hurtful was I?
Emotions hey! As for support we have both needed each other in different ways, we've come through it and will carry on battling with whatever is thrown our way!
At times when I reflect over the last year, I have not felt like the supportive mum that people say I am.
I re read a blog entry and think was that really me? How hurtful was I?
Emotions hey! As for support we have both needed each other in different ways, we've come through it and will carry on battling with whatever is thrown our way!
Sunday, 12 February 2012
Saturday, 11 February 2012
(41) Passing as male 100%
All going quite smoothly. It's beginning to feel the norm now. W very comfortable with the voice and stubble.
Saw Julia last week the school psychologist, not spoken to her for a few months in confidence, not had the opportunity too to be honest, it's just been a quick 'how are things'. Had a lovely chat and updated her on the progress, explained how I felt regards the facial hair, she suggested I buy a razor and shaving gel and leave them in the bathroom, good idea but not done it yet! Julia also impressed with my attitude and said I spoke about W with enthusiasm and pride.
W came into school a few days ago to cover some lessons for me. I felt this was a good opportunity for the staff to meet W as W now, as I have told a few more of my colleagues about him, I have worked with most of these colleagues for the biggest part of W's lifetime so they have seen him grow up.
I was a little nervous as my older pupils know I have a boy and girl. I decided with W that I would introduce him as a student as I would not be around so him calling me mum in ear shot was not a problem. All of my students accepted him as W, there were no comments made about him and a couple of the girls fancied him, they asked when he was coming in again!!
Matt spoke to me on the phone a couple of days ago and referred to him as W, that's a first so all going good in W's favour, I have dropped the female pronouns now and am trying my hardest with that, called him W a few times too.
W had a lovely email regarding my blog, the trans man was full of praise for me and told W he was very lucky having me as his mum, he told W he should show his appreciation all the time and tell me loves me every day, also he wants me to adopt him...Waiting for W to forward it to me so I can post it here.
Matt had more blood tests waiting for the results of those.
Had a brilliant evening, Matt introduced me to his lovely girlfriend in the afternoon and she came for tea, well a take away, was great to have them all around the table, we had some laughs and Matt suffered embarrassing tales off W, happy times.
One happy, proud mummy, got two, very happy gorgeous sons.
Saw Julia last week the school psychologist, not spoken to her for a few months in confidence, not had the opportunity too to be honest, it's just been a quick 'how are things'. Had a lovely chat and updated her on the progress, explained how I felt regards the facial hair, she suggested I buy a razor and shaving gel and leave them in the bathroom, good idea but not done it yet! Julia also impressed with my attitude and said I spoke about W with enthusiasm and pride.
W came into school a few days ago to cover some lessons for me. I felt this was a good opportunity for the staff to meet W as W now, as I have told a few more of my colleagues about him, I have worked with most of these colleagues for the biggest part of W's lifetime so they have seen him grow up.
I was a little nervous as my older pupils know I have a boy and girl. I decided with W that I would introduce him as a student as I would not be around so him calling me mum in ear shot was not a problem. All of my students accepted him as W, there were no comments made about him and a couple of the girls fancied him, they asked when he was coming in again!!
Matt spoke to me on the phone a couple of days ago and referred to him as W, that's a first so all going good in W's favour, I have dropped the female pronouns now and am trying my hardest with that, called him W a few times too.
W had a lovely email regarding my blog, the trans man was full of praise for me and told W he was very lucky having me as his mum, he told W he should show his appreciation all the time and tell me loves me every day, also he wants me to adopt him...Waiting for W to forward it to me so I can post it here.
Matt had more blood tests waiting for the results of those.
Had a brilliant evening, Matt introduced me to his lovely girlfriend in the afternoon and she came for tea, well a take away, was great to have them all around the table, we had some laughs and Matt suffered embarrassing tales off W, happy times.
One happy, proud mummy, got two, very happy gorgeous sons.
Wednesday, 1 February 2012
(40) 6 weeks on...
Can't believe it has been 6 weeks since that 1st hormone injection!
W went for his 2nd jab, next one in 3months and then every 3months for life.
There has been quite a noticeable change with W. These changes have happened much more quickly than I imagined, unsure how to express my feelings. In one way I'm glad these changes are happening quickly at least it's not going to be a long drawn out process.
W's voice has gone deeper, people are noticing and he is no longer recognised if he answers the telephone. He had a call off his grandad at the weekend and he had to explain it was 'Rach' as that is how he is still known to his grandad, not sure if he can get away with that for much longer!
Facial hair is another change which I never thought would happen so quick, this is my biggest hurdle. I felt gutted when I saw the pic of his chin complete with stubble patches on his blog, I did spill a few tears... Just got to get on with it.
W still not had any contact with his dad. Matt told me that dad is not happy about the name change as he had found out through a local gossip friend of his who had seen it via facebook, I don't believe that, as our facebook accounts are very secure and the local gossiper has no access to either of our facebook accounts. Been totally honest I don't care anymore, we are both getting through this without him, all that he does is put a downer on the whole thing. We both have a good network of family and friends who offer us support.
Matt not well at the mo, he had blood tests yesterday. He has lost a lot of weight and looks very tired. Sure he will be ok, makes a change to have him to worry about.
W went for his 2nd jab, next one in 3months and then every 3months for life.
There has been quite a noticeable change with W. These changes have happened much more quickly than I imagined, unsure how to express my feelings. In one way I'm glad these changes are happening quickly at least it's not going to be a long drawn out process.
W's voice has gone deeper, people are noticing and he is no longer recognised if he answers the telephone. He had a call off his grandad at the weekend and he had to explain it was 'Rach' as that is how he is still known to his grandad, not sure if he can get away with that for much longer!
Facial hair is another change which I never thought would happen so quick, this is my biggest hurdle. I felt gutted when I saw the pic of his chin complete with stubble patches on his blog, I did spill a few tears... Just got to get on with it.
W still not had any contact with his dad. Matt told me that dad is not happy about the name change as he had found out through a local gossip friend of his who had seen it via facebook, I don't believe that, as our facebook accounts are very secure and the local gossiper has no access to either of our facebook accounts. Been totally honest I don't care anymore, we are both getting through this without him, all that he does is put a downer on the whole thing. We both have a good network of family and friends who offer us support.
Matt not well at the mo, he had blood tests yesterday. He has lost a lot of weight and looks very tired. Sure he will be ok, makes a change to have him to worry about.
Wednesday, 25 January 2012
(39) Something I need to share...
I had the chance to speak with my close neighbour a couple of weekends ago. I wanted to update her as I had told her about W last summer, W was then Z. I had sent a Xmas card from myself, W and Matt and thought she may wonder who W was...she did think it was a new fella in my life!!
I told her about my blog and offered to email the link to her which I did.
I received such a beautiful email off her, I have to post it on here and share such a positive response with parents who may be taking this journey.
Dear A
I told her about my blog and offered to email the link to her which I did.
I received such a beautiful email off her, I have to post it on here and share such a positive response with parents who may be taking this journey.
Dear A
I sat down with a cup of coffee to do my emails the day after you sent me your blog. I read it all - my coffee went cold and I was blubbing away. I also followed the link to W's blog (it's hard because I want to say Rach out of habit).
I felt straight away that I should write, and not just to say it to you, that you have my support (W too) even if you just want to talk to stop yourself from going around in circles or letting things drive you mad. I'm here if you need me. I also wanted to say a few things about both blogs which I found to be very powerful, honest and full of emotion.
It's been hard for both of you, it's clear from W's blog that he has written it when he has felt very raw and/or angry over many aspects of his transition - it's so clear that he desperately needs you, his mum, and others, but you most of all, because you have an extremely close relationship. At the same time perhaps he doesn't always appreciate how difficult it has been and will continue to be, for you. The bond between W and Matt is phenomenal and Matt just "tells it how it is" and that is good for W and only Matt can get away with it. I never realised that W has so many anxieties and perhaps they will lessen with time and as the transition progresses. I think W also realises that people will call him Rach on occasions, it's not as though they don't or won't want to call him W, it's just habit and routine and it will take a while for them to "train" themselves to call him W. I myself have known you all since you moved in and it's hard to swap from Rach to W but I will try - but be prepared to forgive me the occasional slip.
Your blog is written as a parent with the powerful emotions of a parent. I can see how hard it has been for you and that through your blog you are now coming to terms with W's transition, even though there is still a long way to go. As much as W needs you, you too need W. What has happened isn't an every day occurrence and you have dealt with it brilliantly, you might not think so but reading your blog, you have. Your dilemma regarding buying W & Matt their Christmas cards - you were absolutely right to get them identical ones and they appreciated that - if I were you I would do the same year after year - but don't be surprised if you get two identical Christmas cards (or even birthday cards) in return! I know you feel that you have lost one child and gained another but, as Rachel you knew what her favourite colour, favourite food, favourite film etc was and that still remains through the transition to W.
The day after I read your blog I saw this in the newspaper and immediately thought of you both:
"If you are missing a loved one, fearful or worried take time out to be with your thoughts for a while. Write a letter to the person you are missing (even if they are no longer living), or write out what your feelings are right now in your situation - anger, envy, resentment, mad, sad - and just acknowledge them. Don't stop writing until you have written out everything. You will feel better for this exercise. Take heart too in this lovely African proverb: "However long the night, the dawn will break"
I saw this and immediately thought of you (and W). You have both done this with your respective blogs and I hope it has helped. I also think that you should really really think about not just carrying on with the blogs but turning it into a book. Both blogs are very honest and offer two very different, but nonetheless connected, perspectives which offer an insight into very deep emotions and would be a huge help to others going through transition - from both the parent and child/adult point of view.
I hope you don't mind me writing but I need you to know that you have my support and continuing friendship and I am here if you ever need me.
With love
B xxxx
Wednesday, 18 January 2012
(38) Sore throat?
W now back in touch with a very close friend after a misunderstanding about 6months ago! So happy as it gives him a mate to do the usual matey stuff with, they are on the same mental wavelength, not sure if that's a good or bad thing really, at least it's bought him out of his dark mood.
Cooked them both a meal tonight, just like old times laughing and joking around the table.
All good between the two of us.
Had a good old chat during Sunday lunch, we both shed a few tears but it does clear the air between us.
W sounded like he had a sore throat but he said it wasn't sore. This had not got any better or worse. During our heart to heart chat W did tell me that he had been on the trans forums and his voice was breaking. W did say he felt concerned for me as he didn't want to be in my face, so was avoiding chatting to me. I soon put that right and he hasn't shut up since! The next injection appointment is just around the corner.
Had a conversation with a colleague today, her husbands manager has informed the staff that a young lady that is employed there will now be classed as a male, using the gents and being referred to as male etc. (W knows the man). The manager did tell them about the gender rules and they had to accept it, some unhappy blokes there! It's a tough old world...Good luck to him! Once again it highlights the prejudices that my W is going to be dealing with.
Benidorm booked now.
Hope W copes ok as he has avoided holidays abroad for a couple of years, it shouldn't be that hot where he will pass out wearing his binder under clothes, only going for 3days.
Cooked them both a meal tonight, just like old times laughing and joking around the table.
All good between the two of us.
Had a good old chat during Sunday lunch, we both shed a few tears but it does clear the air between us.
W sounded like he had a sore throat but he said it wasn't sore. This had not got any better or worse. During our heart to heart chat W did tell me that he had been on the trans forums and his voice was breaking. W did say he felt concerned for me as he didn't want to be in my face, so was avoiding chatting to me. I soon put that right and he hasn't shut up since! The next injection appointment is just around the corner.
Had a conversation with a colleague today, her husbands manager has informed the staff that a young lady that is employed there will now be classed as a male, using the gents and being referred to as male etc. (W knows the man). The manager did tell them about the gender rules and they had to accept it, some unhappy blokes there! It's a tough old world...Good luck to him! Once again it highlights the prejudices that my W is going to be dealing with.
Benidorm booked now.
Hope W copes ok as he has avoided holidays abroad for a couple of years, it shouldn't be that hot where he will pass out wearing his binder under clothes, only going for 3days.
Wednesday, 11 January 2012
(37) Thank you
Not much to report about. Everything running smoothly. I am once again out of the doldrums, thanks to my close friends.
W had an appointment to see Dr Jorsh at The Harplands. Although the hormone is now prescribed on the NHS, worries were if any changes had to be made he would have to pay for consequent appointments with Dr Curtis. Dr Jorsh to the rescue so peace of mind. We will just have that one last appointment with Dr Curtis where W will have his blood levels checked, another good excuse to spend some time in London.
I would like to thank everybody who has shown their support. I received a link to a trans mans blog, here was a comment which he had aimed towards my blog. I found it quite rude and disrespectful and so did some of my followers, so a big thanks for the text messages etc, also thank you to the person who left a comment too. Its simple really, if you don't like my blog don't follow it!!
Counting the days to our Benidorm trip, (W's 21st pressie and Matts 18th pressie). Looking forward to spending some quality time with my two little babes. Roll on Easter.
W had an appointment to see Dr Jorsh at The Harplands. Although the hormone is now prescribed on the NHS, worries were if any changes had to be made he would have to pay for consequent appointments with Dr Curtis. Dr Jorsh to the rescue so peace of mind. We will just have that one last appointment with Dr Curtis where W will have his blood levels checked, another good excuse to spend some time in London.
I would like to thank everybody who has shown their support. I received a link to a trans mans blog, here was a comment which he had aimed towards my blog. I found it quite rude and disrespectful and so did some of my followers, so a big thanks for the text messages etc, also thank you to the person who left a comment too. Its simple really, if you don't like my blog don't follow it!!
Counting the days to our Benidorm trip, (W's 21st pressie and Matts 18th pressie). Looking forward to spending some quality time with my two little babes. Roll on Easter.
Saturday, 7 January 2012
(36) On a downer...
After the episode from the other night I have been feeling at an all time low. I have been crying and just feeling very low. I can't understand these emotions as I am so supportive of the situation. At the moment I am fearful of the apparent physical changes that are going to occur. I have a difficult, bumpy road to travel along, this is the second phase of the transition for me, I suppose that's why I feel I am back to square one.
I am very concerned as to what is actually happening inside W's body, he is doing the most unnatural thing ever possible by pumping the opposite hormone into himself, the natural oestrogen must be having a right good fight back!
My elder sister jetted off to Tenerife how I wish I could have gone too.
W is not his usual self with me, I can't blame him.
I met up with the girls last night, one has had the week from hell, the three of us shared a few tears and hugs, it certainly put my life into perspective.
W has his health and a good future in front of him, so why can't I be happy?
I am very concerned as to what is actually happening inside W's body, he is doing the most unnatural thing ever possible by pumping the opposite hormone into himself, the natural oestrogen must be having a right good fight back!
My elder sister jetted off to Tenerife how I wish I could have gone too.
W is not his usual self with me, I can't blame him.
I met up with the girls last night, one has had the week from hell, the three of us shared a few tears and hugs, it certainly put my life into perspective.
W has his health and a good future in front of him, so why can't I be happy?
Thursday, 5 January 2012
(35) It was calm...
It had been reasonably calm I hadn't got anything to report on...
I knew that would soon change and it did!
I had a pleasant evening my friend had been round. It was really odd as she automatically referred to Rach as W, she did say it felt strange but I appreciated this as it will help me. Unfortunately I was referring to him as she. I am finding it so hard.
Last night when I went upstairs to bed, W was standing in the bathroom. I asked how long he would be, he looked at me grinning and said, 'Come here mum and feel this on my chin'.
He had felt a hair on his chin and was ecstatic, I truly couldn't feel anything, he grabbed my finger and was brushing it on his chin, I couldn't feel anything. I can't put into words how I felt, it was certainly the opposite of ecstatic, I think he saw my face and realised that I wasn't bothered. He asked if I was, I was honest and said no and went to bed. I was feeling so low.
As I lay in bed the whole experience of this transition was flashing before my eyes, I couldn't share in his excitement, I felt like I was back to square one. Every now and then it hits me, it hits so hard that I feel like running off, my child is turning into a man.
It was good to see the psychologist in school today, she asked how I was and told me how proud she felt of me. I relayed my feelings about last night, she put my mind at rest and told me it was normal, as I am going to see noticeable changes during this phase of the transition. We then joked about me been on TV some time in the future telling the world of my journey, she did say she wanted to star in it too!
I feel a little upset as I have read W's blog update...I am feeling like a horrible, uncaring, unsupportive mum once again.
I knew that would soon change and it did!
I had a pleasant evening my friend had been round. It was really odd as she automatically referred to Rach as W, she did say it felt strange but I appreciated this as it will help me. Unfortunately I was referring to him as she. I am finding it so hard.
Last night when I went upstairs to bed, W was standing in the bathroom. I asked how long he would be, he looked at me grinning and said, 'Come here mum and feel this on my chin'.
He had felt a hair on his chin and was ecstatic, I truly couldn't feel anything, he grabbed my finger and was brushing it on his chin, I couldn't feel anything. I can't put into words how I felt, it was certainly the opposite of ecstatic, I think he saw my face and realised that I wasn't bothered. He asked if I was, I was honest and said no and went to bed. I was feeling so low.
As I lay in bed the whole experience of this transition was flashing before my eyes, I couldn't share in his excitement, I felt like I was back to square one. Every now and then it hits me, it hits so hard that I feel like running off, my child is turning into a man.
It was good to see the psychologist in school today, she asked how I was and told me how proud she felt of me. I relayed my feelings about last night, she put my mind at rest and told me it was normal, as I am going to see noticeable changes during this phase of the transition. We then joked about me been on TV some time in the future telling the world of my journey, she did say she wanted to star in it too!
I feel a little upset as I have read W's blog update...I am feeling like a horrible, uncaring, unsupportive mum once again.
Tuesday, 3 January 2012
(34) All calm
Not much to write about...
When it's calm for a while I begin to wonder what is going to happen next!
W still suffering with the monthly blues, I guess this will go on for a little longer as he has been pumped with testosterone. Also a throat and ear infection just for good measure so he's feeling very down in the dumps.
I'm still having problems with the name situation, at the moment he has no name.
2nd shot of hormone in 4 weeks, I still struggle to believe this is all happening and expect to wake up and it was all a dream.
Still no contact from his dad.
Back to work today, some normality resumes but I am still on this parallel universe.
When it's calm for a while I begin to wonder what is going to happen next!
W still suffering with the monthly blues, I guess this will go on for a little longer as he has been pumped with testosterone. Also a throat and ear infection just for good measure so he's feeling very down in the dumps.
I'm still having problems with the name situation, at the moment he has no name.
2nd shot of hormone in 4 weeks, I still struggle to believe this is all happening and expect to wake up and it was all a dream.
Still no contact from his dad.
Back to work today, some normality resumes but I am still on this parallel universe.
Sunday, 1 January 2012
(33) 21st and hormonal!!
Not been a brill few days. Its been just over a week since the first hormone injection.
Worst nightmare happened as for all FTM's having a monthly brings many anxieties. W's life goes on hold so the run up to his 21st was doomed with misery. W had already been a bit hormonal, emotions all over the place during the week and a painful wisdom tooth making an appearance not a happy household!
To top it off W had a phone call off his dad. Ended in tears and again his dad disowning him and now telling him he was not welcome to use the family caravan which is in Wales.
Basically his dad thinks he should tell his grandad about the changes, W's argument is that if grandad dis owns him who would do his cleaning and shopping as his dad does not even visit him, he has got slight dementia too, awkward one. Also dad then went on about the name change and how it will affect any legal will entitlements he may have, the fact he was trying to discuss my will did not go down very well with W, apparently according to him if I die W becomes homeless, W was trying to explain but his dad hung up. (Ironic as the previous day I had discussed with W about changing his name on my will).
Part of me thinks his dad is trying to make amends and trying to come to terms with the situation. Unfortunately he really doesn't know W that well and approaches him in quite a controlling way so straight away W becomes defensive. At the end of the day it has taken me nearly a year and loads of research to understand all the implications, so one phone call does not make his dad a transsexual expert.
The day had arrived. I put up blue 21st banners. Cards were opened, W was over the moon only 4 with 'Rachel' written inside were given out of the 21 cards received. One boyfriend, one Son, one pink one and all the rest unisex or boyish. No nephew or cousin ones were received.
Now for the meal. Everything went well then the cake was bought over to the table. We all sang happy birthday I sang 'to W', my elder sister stopped singing she was so uncomfortable she held my gaze so I was unable to see what other people sang but it didn't sound like W. W sat staring at the cake as he had been dreading the birthday song which he told me after.
I had bought my card at the beginning of November. It was the first card I had bought for him with Son on. To buy that was so distressing it took me about three weeks to get it. I had been looking at 21st cards each time I went into the card shop. One particular day I had looked at Daughter ones and then picked up a Son one, I was overcome with emotions and left the shop. This card buying was on my mind now and I had to make a decision. I had seen a perfect one for him. The next time I went into the shop I just picked up the one I had already seen, switched off my feelings and bought it, I then put it away in the cupboard.
W text his dad to thank him for the card and money, which was given to him at Christmas. His dad never text back, he didn't wish him a happy birthday.
W's emotions were all over the place. It's not the best of days to have a birthday on New Years Eve. W was been torn between his girlfriend and mates as to where to go for the evening, my only advice was to go where he wanted to go, W is constantly compromising, you are only 21 once!
HAPPY NEW YEAR to all of you, it's going to be another interesting and challenging one. xx
Worst nightmare happened as for all FTM's having a monthly brings many anxieties. W's life goes on hold so the run up to his 21st was doomed with misery. W had already been a bit hormonal, emotions all over the place during the week and a painful wisdom tooth making an appearance not a happy household!
To top it off W had a phone call off his dad. Ended in tears and again his dad disowning him and now telling him he was not welcome to use the family caravan which is in Wales.
Basically his dad thinks he should tell his grandad about the changes, W's argument is that if grandad dis owns him who would do his cleaning and shopping as his dad does not even visit him, he has got slight dementia too, awkward one. Also dad then went on about the name change and how it will affect any legal will entitlements he may have, the fact he was trying to discuss my will did not go down very well with W, apparently according to him if I die W becomes homeless, W was trying to explain but his dad hung up. (Ironic as the previous day I had discussed with W about changing his name on my will).
Part of me thinks his dad is trying to make amends and trying to come to terms with the situation. Unfortunately he really doesn't know W that well and approaches him in quite a controlling way so straight away W becomes defensive. At the end of the day it has taken me nearly a year and loads of research to understand all the implications, so one phone call does not make his dad a transsexual expert.
Now for the meal. Everything went well then the cake was bought over to the table. We all sang happy birthday I sang 'to W', my elder sister stopped singing she was so uncomfortable she held my gaze so I was unable to see what other people sang but it didn't sound like W. W sat staring at the cake as he had been dreading the birthday song which he told me after.
W text his dad to thank him for the card and money, which was given to him at Christmas. His dad never text back, he didn't wish him a happy birthday.
W's emotions were all over the place. It's not the best of days to have a birthday on New Years Eve. W was been torn between his girlfriend and mates as to where to go for the evening, my only advice was to go where he wanted to go, W is constantly compromising, you are only 21 once!
HAPPY NEW YEAR to all of you, it's going to be another interesting and challenging one. xx
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