I thought back alot to her childhood, poor kid...Born when the Gulf conflict was declared and number one in the charts, Iron Maiden, Slaughter your daughter!!
Rachel's childhood was a happy one, she grew to love footy just like her dad, she had a brother Matt when she was 3 and a 1/2, a perfect sister, she helped me to do the usual chores a new born entailed.
Rach was very close to her aunts and uncles and lots of cousins, we met up regularly and all the children played together Rach always kicking a ball or having a rough and tumble with the older ones getting dirty and been one of the lads!
Rach was a tomboy from a very early age, I was not a stereotypical mum and bought her a garage for her 2nd birthday, dolls were left untouched, I had no concerns because as a youngster I was not a dolly lover and had played for hours with my own brothers cars.
Rach joined a football club at 4 and adored Saturday mornings.
By the time Rach was about to move to High School I began to worry as all of her friends were boys, my worry was that they would not want to hang around with her, I spoke to her junior school teacher and asked that she was mixed into girl groups whenever possible.
Clothing had become an issue at about the age of 9, shopping trips were a nightmare clothes she liked I didn't, again I had no concerns as my older nephews were telling her she should be wearing Nike and Adidas, tracksuits were what everybody was wearing.
My brother was getting married in April 99, thank goodness he didn't ask her to be a bridesmaid, he did ask that she wear a dress and I agreed that was appropriate and she should for once make an effort. We compromised, a Reebok tennis dress in blue, I never saw her in a dress again.
I still had no idea that Rach was beginning to discover she shouldn't be in the body she was born.
When Rachel was 9 I left her dad. I moved into a different house with both of my children. Life was much better.
A couple of years later Rach began to have problems which we now realise were anxiety issues, CAMHS were involved, everything was blamed on the breakdown of my marriage, Rach couldn't understand this prognosis as she had pleaded with me on a number of occasions to leave her dad, she didn't challenge it but had support from teachers in school who nurtured her through.
Yes, she is doing the right thing, as hard as I am coping I have to give her my approval and make this journey as easy as possible together.
Coping is perhaps the wrong word but if you are a parent you want to protect your child, you would die for them, I see my child putting themselves into a world where there are alot of prejudices and conflict towards trans people, life is always going to be that little bit tougher.
From the beginning this has always been my worry, yes we live in a much more diverse world but there is always somebody who achieves a big thrill on destroying somebody's life!
Wednesday, 30 November 2011
(11) Carrying on as normal
Life goes on.
Everything has to carry on, nobody could imagine what was going on in my head or within my home.
So each day it was off to work as normal, leaving my problems at the door, dealing with new problems my students bought my way. It was tough, I was there in spirit and functioned on automatic pilot, my job appeared more difficult than normal but I was getting through it and thanked the support of my two close colleagues.
I met up with my close friends as usual, laughing and joking and putting the world to rights and then the tears would come, I loved my friends so much.
Family get togethers which happen every Saturday afternoon carried on, oblivious to the fact I was dying inside. We are a close family and I think it was the closeness that stopped me from telling them, they would be upset and I couldn't do that to them. My two sisters had still not mentioned it.
My emotions were still all over the place, each day was different, I still cried alot.
I was beginning to piece together Rachel's life. In my heart she was doing the right thing, it made sense, I could not say that to her yet, although she was desperate for my blessing.
As a parent you have an element of control with your child, which becomes guidance as they get older, at this moment I had none. I had no control and I couldn't guide her as we were walking in opposite directions.
Everything has to carry on, nobody could imagine what was going on in my head or within my home.
So each day it was off to work as normal, leaving my problems at the door, dealing with new problems my students bought my way. It was tough, I was there in spirit and functioned on automatic pilot, my job appeared more difficult than normal but I was getting through it and thanked the support of my two close colleagues.
I met up with my close friends as usual, laughing and joking and putting the world to rights and then the tears would come, I loved my friends so much.
Family get togethers which happen every Saturday afternoon carried on, oblivious to the fact I was dying inside. We are a close family and I think it was the closeness that stopped me from telling them, they would be upset and I couldn't do that to them. My two sisters had still not mentioned it.
My emotions were still all over the place, each day was different, I still cried alot.
I was beginning to piece together Rachel's life. In my heart she was doing the right thing, it made sense, I could not say that to her yet, although she was desperate for my blessing.
As a parent you have an element of control with your child, which becomes guidance as they get older, at this moment I had none. I had no control and I couldn't guide her as we were walking in opposite directions.
(10) The Psychiatrist's appointment had arrived!
28th Feb was fast approaching. It had not been mentioned. All we had spoke about was the aftermath of the 'dad experience', I do wish I had recorded it because I still find it very hard to believe what rubbish came out of his mouth, but life goes on and we get by without him!
I had received my first session with the counsellor at Dove. I found that quite weird, I didn't know what to expect as it was strange sitting in a seat and expecting somebody else to solve my problems. I cried all the way through it, what was happening to me? I had never felt so helpless, when I lost both of my parents I was the one that held it together and supported my family, I am usually quite hard and just get on with life.
I hadn't told Rach about the appointment as she had enough to deal with without worrying about me, also I was hoping they would wave a magic wand and everything would be ok, I couldn't have been more wrong. I had six sessions booked. Six hours of counselling and I would be fine...
I had still not heard off my sister's, did they think it was not happening? I was not in a position to approach them yet, it was different talking to friends it didn't directly affect them, but family would want answers and I hadn't got any. I couldn't understand my emotions, I felt so out of control.
A couple of days before, Rach did ask if I was really sure about going along with her to the appointment, as she was concerned I would be very upset. Of course I was going to go, I had to go to hear for myself first hand what the whole procedure was going to be and I wanted to offer my support.
Nothing could have prepared me for the disaster which followed.
We arrived for the 9.30 appointment with 10 minutes to spare to be told Dr Makala does not arrive until 10! Ok whats 30 minutes sat in a waiting room? We sat in virtual silence not really knowing what to talk about, it was quite an odd feeling as normally you can never shut the two of us up.
Dr Makala arrived at 10, walking in as if he had all day. Rach's anxiety was through the roof, she twirled and twisted her 'tangle'.
Dr Makala then appeared and called us in. As he called her name I thought I had misheard, he was a foreign Dr, and I struggle sometimes with accents. As we went in I then realised I had not been mistaken, he was referring to her as Zak and as a he.
Rach asked if I was ok, I couldn't speak, she came to where I sat and hugged me. I suggested I leave and wait outside, I was in a pathetic state. I told the Dr I had not realised she had changed her name, he carried on referring to her as he and as Zak. The whole session went by with a blur, I did not have a clue what had been said. I couldn't wait to get outside, the waiting room was full of people but I didn't care, Dr Makala asked if I would like to sit in another room with a glass of water, I had to leave and out of that door I went. I was glad that Rach had driven that day, we drove back in silence except for my sobs. Another appointment had been made March 28th 11am.
I had received my first session with the counsellor at Dove. I found that quite weird, I didn't know what to expect as it was strange sitting in a seat and expecting somebody else to solve my problems. I cried all the way through it, what was happening to me? I had never felt so helpless, when I lost both of my parents I was the one that held it together and supported my family, I am usually quite hard and just get on with life.
I hadn't told Rach about the appointment as she had enough to deal with without worrying about me, also I was hoping they would wave a magic wand and everything would be ok, I couldn't have been more wrong. I had six sessions booked. Six hours of counselling and I would be fine...
I had still not heard off my sister's, did they think it was not happening? I was not in a position to approach them yet, it was different talking to friends it didn't directly affect them, but family would want answers and I hadn't got any. I couldn't understand my emotions, I felt so out of control.
A couple of days before, Rach did ask if I was really sure about going along with her to the appointment, as she was concerned I would be very upset. Of course I was going to go, I had to go to hear for myself first hand what the whole procedure was going to be and I wanted to offer my support.
Nothing could have prepared me for the disaster which followed.
We arrived for the 9.30 appointment with 10 minutes to spare to be told Dr Makala does not arrive until 10! Ok whats 30 minutes sat in a waiting room? We sat in virtual silence not really knowing what to talk about, it was quite an odd feeling as normally you can never shut the two of us up.
Dr Makala arrived at 10, walking in as if he had all day. Rach's anxiety was through the roof, she twirled and twisted her 'tangle'.
Dr Makala then appeared and called us in. As he called her name I thought I had misheard, he was a foreign Dr, and I struggle sometimes with accents. As we went in I then realised I had not been mistaken, he was referring to her as Zak and as a he.
Rach asked if I was ok, I couldn't speak, she came to where I sat and hugged me. I suggested I leave and wait outside, I was in a pathetic state. I told the Dr I had not realised she had changed her name, he carried on referring to her as he and as Zak. The whole session went by with a blur, I did not have a clue what had been said. I couldn't wait to get outside, the waiting room was full of people but I didn't care, Dr Makala asked if I would like to sit in another room with a glass of water, I had to leave and out of that door I went. I was glad that Rach had driven that day, we drove back in silence except for my sobs. Another appointment had been made March 28th 11am.
Tuesday, 29 November 2011
(9) You need to tell your dad!
I was now on countdown for the 28th of Feb.
My emotions were all over the place, I knew I had to accept this path as I was not going to lose my child but a big part of me was still in denial.
Whilst lying in bed on the Sunday evening I was trying to come up with a plan to stop her from doing this.
Rach had been out that night and I was still lying awake when she got home. I shouted her to come into my room.
I said to her that if she was really serious she should tell her Dad, and I wanted to be with her when she did.
I was hoping for her usual response when her dad was mentioned, but no...'Ok I will tell him, he has never cared about me so it's no loss'.
Unfortunately for Rach when the marriage broke down so did the relationship she once had with her dad!
I had a call off Rach Monday lunchtime, she had invited her dad to come around to our house that Monday night, he was going to be there at 7.
I was in a nervous state now, he had only ever stepped inside the hallway on two occasions and the thought of having to have a conversation with a man who totally ignored me in the street and had done dreadful things across me over the years filled me with dread.
This was about Rach not me, not him.
I prepped myself so I could be there for Rach, because no doubt he would certainly say what he was thinking! And I had to keep my hands off him, I hated this man with such a passion he finds emotions in me I never knew I had!!
He rang me at 5, demanding to know what it was Rach needed him for. I asked him to just come around and for once do something that Rach wanted him to do, he said he would not be bringing Matt because if there was anything to tell him he would do it. Little did he know, Matt already knew.
7 o'clock on the dot, knock at the door. Rach opened it, he refused to come in, telling her to tell him on the doorstep. It took her a couple of minutes to encourage him to step inside. He stood in the hallway, I shouted to him to come into the lounge to sit down as what Rach had to say, he needed to be sitting.
He reluctantly came into the lounge and after a few prompts to sit on the sofa he did. I was sat in the armchair and Rach sat on the bean cube as close to me as she could get, she held my hand.
Rach took a deep breath but could not start the conversation, he didn't help by telling her to hurry up as he hadn't got long he would leave in a minute if she didn't tell him.
I focused on a shrub through my French doors and kept telling myself this was for Rach not me, not him. It was an experience that will live with me forever.
Rach looked at me very tearful and said, 'Can you tell him'?
I told her she had to do it as it was her decision to do what she had planned. After another couple of attempts and her dad becoming very agitated I blurted out...
Rach has Gender Dysphoria!
He hadn't a clue what it was but Rach took over then.
45 minutes later I asked him to leave as I felt I could have done him some damage.
This was his perfect opportunity to blame me for everything that had gone wrong.
He then asked her to move out of the area as it was obviously upsetting me, how dare he, does he not have a caring emotion towards his daughter at all?
The final straw, to which I then told him to leave my house was...'Do me a favour Andi, take her for a drugs test she's on something'.
At that moment I promised I would never tell Rach she should go and see her dad, he did not deserve this wonderful child who at that time was desperate for some affection from him. We did not expect him to approve but he never asked her any questions regards her welfare, in fact he just walked away.
That was the first time Rach ever heard me swear, I could only think of one word to describe him...Wanker!
My emotions were all over the place, I knew I had to accept this path as I was not going to lose my child but a big part of me was still in denial.
Whilst lying in bed on the Sunday evening I was trying to come up with a plan to stop her from doing this.
Rach had been out that night and I was still lying awake when she got home. I shouted her to come into my room.
I said to her that if she was really serious she should tell her Dad, and I wanted to be with her when she did.
I was hoping for her usual response when her dad was mentioned, but no...'Ok I will tell him, he has never cared about me so it's no loss'.
Unfortunately for Rach when the marriage broke down so did the relationship she once had with her dad!
I had a call off Rach Monday lunchtime, she had invited her dad to come around to our house that Monday night, he was going to be there at 7.
I was in a nervous state now, he had only ever stepped inside the hallway on two occasions and the thought of having to have a conversation with a man who totally ignored me in the street and had done dreadful things across me over the years filled me with dread.
This was about Rach not me, not him.
I prepped myself so I could be there for Rach, because no doubt he would certainly say what he was thinking! And I had to keep my hands off him, I hated this man with such a passion he finds emotions in me I never knew I had!!
He rang me at 5, demanding to know what it was Rach needed him for. I asked him to just come around and for once do something that Rach wanted him to do, he said he would not be bringing Matt because if there was anything to tell him he would do it. Little did he know, Matt already knew.
7 o'clock on the dot, knock at the door. Rach opened it, he refused to come in, telling her to tell him on the doorstep. It took her a couple of minutes to encourage him to step inside. He stood in the hallway, I shouted to him to come into the lounge to sit down as what Rach had to say, he needed to be sitting.
He reluctantly came into the lounge and after a few prompts to sit on the sofa he did. I was sat in the armchair and Rach sat on the bean cube as close to me as she could get, she held my hand.
Rach took a deep breath but could not start the conversation, he didn't help by telling her to hurry up as he hadn't got long he would leave in a minute if she didn't tell him.
I focused on a shrub through my French doors and kept telling myself this was for Rach not me, not him. It was an experience that will live with me forever.
Rach looked at me very tearful and said, 'Can you tell him'?
I told her she had to do it as it was her decision to do what she had planned. After another couple of attempts and her dad becoming very agitated I blurted out...
Rach has Gender Dysphoria!
He hadn't a clue what it was but Rach took over then.
45 minutes later I asked him to leave as I felt I could have done him some damage.
This was his perfect opportunity to blame me for everything that had gone wrong.
- It was my fault that the marriage ended, so Rach developed GD
- I should not have allowed her to have her hair cut short, this was a cause of GD
- Matt living with him was my fault
- Me having a relationship with another man 12 months after our marrige was over, that caused GD
- The pathetic list went on and on and on.
He then asked her to move out of the area as it was obviously upsetting me, how dare he, does he not have a caring emotion towards his daughter at all?
The final straw, to which I then told him to leave my house was...'Do me a favour Andi, take her for a drugs test she's on something'.
At that moment I promised I would never tell Rach she should go and see her dad, he did not deserve this wonderful child who at that time was desperate for some affection from him. We did not expect him to approve but he never asked her any questions regards her welfare, in fact he just walked away.
That was the first time Rach ever heard me swear, I could only think of one word to describe him...Wanker!
(8) Psychiatrist Appointment
Things were very much emotionally the same. We both found it hard to talk about it, Rach hated to see me upset and I hated to feel so useless and unsupportive.
Each time we had a discussion we lasted about ten minutes before it began to get heated and we said things we both didn't want to hear.
During one chat, Rach informed me that she had already been to see the psychiatrist at Harplands and had another appointment on the 28th Feb.
At the beginning I had insisted that I would attend any appointments she may have, Rach wanted to attend the first one on her own as she was unsure herself what would be discussed and didn't want me there as I was an emotional wreck!
I was going to attend the second one. One problem, how do I get a day off work...I need to talk to my boss and put him in the picture, easier said than done!
I kept putting off this conversation all week and then on the Friday I asked to speak to him for a couple of minutes. My first words were, I apologise if I get upset, I hadn't even finished the sentence when I was a blubbering wreck. My boss was so understanding and supportive and told me I had to see the psychologist for support, I did explain that Julia was my first confidante, he immediately sent her a text and told her she was my support, no pressure for Julia then!
I had another meeting with Julia, I needed to know what to expect from this meeting with the psychiatrist. Julia did explain that this appointment was for the family too, to help with guidance and to point me in the right direction, I hoped it would be more successful than what my doctor could prescribe; I was offered anti depressants and a sick note. No thank you! I wanted to be in control and not drug my emotions also sitting around at home was certainly not an option, I cope much better when I carry on as normal, I should know, life has dealt me some cards on the way!
Each time we had a discussion we lasted about ten minutes before it began to get heated and we said things we both didn't want to hear.
During one chat, Rach informed me that she had already been to see the psychiatrist at Harplands and had another appointment on the 28th Feb.
At the beginning I had insisted that I would attend any appointments she may have, Rach wanted to attend the first one on her own as she was unsure herself what would be discussed and didn't want me there as I was an emotional wreck!
I was going to attend the second one. One problem, how do I get a day off work...I need to talk to my boss and put him in the picture, easier said than done!
I kept putting off this conversation all week and then on the Friday I asked to speak to him for a couple of minutes. My first words were, I apologise if I get upset, I hadn't even finished the sentence when I was a blubbering wreck. My boss was so understanding and supportive and told me I had to see the psychologist for support, I did explain that Julia was my first confidante, he immediately sent her a text and told her she was my support, no pressure for Julia then!
I had another meeting with Julia, I needed to know what to expect from this meeting with the psychiatrist. Julia did explain that this appointment was for the family too, to help with guidance and to point me in the right direction, I hoped it would be more successful than what my doctor could prescribe; I was offered anti depressants and a sick note. No thank you! I wanted to be in control and not drug my emotions also sitting around at home was certainly not an option, I cope much better when I carry on as normal, I should know, life has dealt me some cards on the way!
(7) Tough Emotions
It was not getting any easier, I had now told my three closest friends, my two close work colleagues and Julia the psychologist.
I was still finding it hard to talk about, that is so unlike me, I do share my problems with others. Every time I discussed it I was in tears, I really didn't know how to get through this and be the strong, supportive mum Rach had always known.
Rach had told me she had told her brother Matt, Matt never breathed a word to me.
Also during one of our heated discussions, Rach had left the house in quite an upset state and went straight to see one of my older sisters and my youngest sister, whom Rach is quite close to. Rach told them what was happening and that if they wanted to disown her to do it now. I had upset her that much that nothing else could hurt her. They expressed their feelings and shock, my older sister saying she would always be Rachel her niece!
Nobody contacted me to see how we were.
I was still finding it hard to talk about, that is so unlike me, I do share my problems with others. Every time I discussed it I was in tears, I really didn't know how to get through this and be the strong, supportive mum Rach had always known.
Rach had told me she had told her brother Matt, Matt never breathed a word to me.
Also during one of our heated discussions, Rach had left the house in quite an upset state and went straight to see one of my older sisters and my youngest sister, whom Rach is quite close to. Rach told them what was happening and that if they wanted to disown her to do it now. I had upset her that much that nothing else could hurt her. They expressed their feelings and shock, my older sister saying she would always be Rachel her niece!
Nobody contacted me to see how we were.
Monday, 28 November 2011
(6) Help!
Wednesday morning arrived, I asked Julia if I could meet for a quick chat that morning.
I just spurted out amongst the tears that my daughter had informed me she had Gender Dysphoria and was going to become a man.
Julia was such a rock, she couldn't really guide me but would research where I could receive the right support. Julia also reassured me that the emotions I was feeling was fine, it was like a bereavement but my child was still here. It was agreed that she would find time each Wednesday so I could off load to her.
Julia pointed me into the direction of Dove, a bereavement and life changing counselling service.
During one of the discussions I had initially with Rach, I explained it was like she had died, because of the emotional tension we were feeling at the time, Rach took this as me saying I would prefer it if she had died.
Perhaps Dove was the place for me to go for help!
I rang and was put on their six week waiting list.
That same day I also told my very close colleague, I felt like she needed to know as I certainly hadn't been my usual bubbly self and was concerned it was affecting my work standard, again tremendous support especially has her own mother had just been diagnosed with cancer.
I just spurted out amongst the tears that my daughter had informed me she had Gender Dysphoria and was going to become a man.
Julia was such a rock, she couldn't really guide me but would research where I could receive the right support. Julia also reassured me that the emotions I was feeling was fine, it was like a bereavement but my child was still here. It was agreed that she would find time each Wednesday so I could off load to her.
Julia pointed me into the direction of Dove, a bereavement and life changing counselling service.
During one of the discussions I had initially with Rach, I explained it was like she had died, because of the emotional tension we were feeling at the time, Rach took this as me saying I would prefer it if she had died.
Perhaps Dove was the place for me to go for help!
I rang and was put on their six week waiting list.
That same day I also told my very close colleague, I felt like she needed to know as I certainly hadn't been my usual bubbly self and was concerned it was affecting my work standard, again tremendous support especially has her own mother had just been diagnosed with cancer.
(5) January 2011
Most evenings we tried to discuss it, every evening it ended in tears!
I had trawled the Internet, what a minefield of information that was, unsure what to believe.
One thing was missing, local support for me, yes here I am taking this whole problem on and nobody to support me. Help, I need somebody to talk to, I had not mentioned it to anybody. I was unsure of my own feelings and emotions and didn't know where to turn.
A girly night was in order. I arranged to meet up with my closest friends and share...They were so supportive and said all of the right things but nobody had any answers, lots of tears were shed but I felt much better for off loading.
I needed some professional advice.
I work in special needs education and we are very fortunate to have psychologists who work alongside our students. I set my mind to taking Julia to one side and asking for advice that week.
I had trawled the Internet, what a minefield of information that was, unsure what to believe.
One thing was missing, local support for me, yes here I am taking this whole problem on and nobody to support me. Help, I need somebody to talk to, I had not mentioned it to anybody. I was unsure of my own feelings and emotions and didn't know where to turn.
A girly night was in order. I arranged to meet up with my closest friends and share...They were so supportive and said all of the right things but nobody had any answers, lots of tears were shed but I felt much better for off loading.
I needed some professional advice.
I work in special needs education and we are very fortunate to have psychologists who work alongside our students. I set my mind to taking Julia to one side and asking for advice that week.
(4) It's not really happening, I will wake up and discover it was a dream.
After the initial bombshell and following discussion it was not mentioned.
We celebrated Christmas with the family and carried on as if the conversation had not happened.
I was worried to bring it up, as deep down I was hoping it was some silly fad that would be forgotten. Rach did like a little drama in her life and as ours was running quite calm at that time I suspected it was excitement she was after.
How wrong could I be!
Middle of January we had enjoyed our usual Sunday roast and as we got up to clear the table she gave me a hug, nothing unusual about that, we are quite huggy.
Then my dream became reality.
'I want you to choose a new name with me, I had thought of Liam after Liam Gallagher'
At that time I couldn't even think about it, another discussion which again ended in tears for us both.
Unknown to me she had already by deed poll changed her name, Zakery Dean as she was now known to her close friends.
We celebrated Christmas with the family and carried on as if the conversation had not happened.
I was worried to bring it up, as deep down I was hoping it was some silly fad that would be forgotten. Rach did like a little drama in her life and as ours was running quite calm at that time I suspected it was excitement she was after.
How wrong could I be!
Middle of January we had enjoyed our usual Sunday roast and as we got up to clear the table she gave me a hug, nothing unusual about that, we are quite huggy.
Then my dream became reality.
'I want you to choose a new name with me, I had thought of Liam after Liam Gallagher'
At that time I couldn't even think about it, another discussion which again ended in tears for us both.
Unknown to me she had already by deed poll changed her name, Zakery Dean as she was now known to her close friends.
(3) One Year On...Life's a journey not a destination.
November 2011.
What a rollercoaster of a journey I have had.
One year ago I never expected to be writing this blog.
So, why am I writing this blog?
I decided to blog this experience in the hope it may help other parents to see that you can get through this. Also as my daughter or should I say son has recorded a blog I thought it was time you heard my side. I am not going to contradict my son's blog as we are all allowed an opinion and I certainly value his.
I am a very calm, understanding and supportive person, usually people come to me with their problems and they tend to leave feeling a whole lot better.
Last year I was shouting for help, nobody heard me, it does help if you talk about it, it will not go away.
I have come along way, it was a rollercoaster and this is definetely a journey with no destination as nobody knows what the future holds for a fully transitioned FTM.
What a rollercoaster of a journey I have had.
One year ago I never expected to be writing this blog.
So, why am I writing this blog?
I decided to blog this experience in the hope it may help other parents to see that you can get through this. Also as my daughter or should I say son has recorded a blog I thought it was time you heard my side. I am not going to contradict my son's blog as we are all allowed an opinion and I certainly value his.
I am a very calm, understanding and supportive person, usually people come to me with their problems and they tend to leave feeling a whole lot better.
Last year I was shouting for help, nobody heard me, it does help if you talk about it, it will not go away.
I have come along way, it was a rollercoaster and this is definetely a journey with no destination as nobody knows what the future holds for a fully transitioned FTM.
(2) Unconditional Love
What a bombshell, nothing could have prepared me for that conversation!
The most difficult thing was to respond in as positive a way as my emotions would let me.
Ha ha, emotions sure have a way of taking your self control away.
After a few harsh words and trying to grasp some understanding of Gender Dysphoria, it ended in tears...For the both of us.
One thing I was sure of though, I loved my little girl no matter what she threw at me.
The most difficult thing was to respond in as positive a way as my emotions would let me.
Ha ha, emotions sure have a way of taking your self control away.
After a few harsh words and trying to grasp some understanding of Gender Dysphoria, it ended in tears...For the both of us.
One thing I was sure of though, I loved my little girl no matter what she threw at me.
Sunday, 27 November 2011
(1) 27/11/10....Where do I start?
(Since writing this blog I have amended my son's and his girlfriend's name to protect his ID)
At the beginning is always a good starting point...But where is the beginning?
21yrs ago or 1yr ago?
Well here goes...
21 yrs ago.
I was about to give birth to my first much wanted child. Secretly I hoped for a little girl but as long as the baby was healthy that's all that mattered.
New yrs eve and my proudest moment, I became a mummy to Rachel a 7lb 3oz healthy little girl.
1yr ago.
'I have something to tell you mum, please sit down, Will you always love me, I need to know that you will love me'?
I never expected the life changing news that Rach was about to tell me.
'I want to be a man, I have felt like this for years, I have Gender Dysphoria'.
At the beginning is always a good starting point...But where is the beginning?
21yrs ago or 1yr ago?
Well here goes...
21 yrs ago.
I was about to give birth to my first much wanted child. Secretly I hoped for a little girl but as long as the baby was healthy that's all that mattered.
New yrs eve and my proudest moment, I became a mummy to Rachel a 7lb 3oz healthy little girl.
1yr ago.
'I have something to tell you mum, please sit down, Will you always love me, I need to know that you will love me'?
I never expected the life changing news that Rach was about to tell me.
'I want to be a man, I have felt like this for years, I have Gender Dysphoria'.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)