(35) It was calm...

It had been reasonably calm I hadn't got anything to report on...
I knew that would soon change and it did!

I had a pleasant evening my friend had been round. It was really odd as she automatically referred to Rach as W, she did say it felt strange but I appreciated this as it will help me. Unfortunately I was referring to him as she.  I am finding it so hard.

Last night when I went upstairs to bed, W was standing in the bathroom. I asked how long he would be, he looked at me grinning and said, 'Come here mum and feel this on my chin'. 
He had felt a hair on his chin and was ecstatic, I truly couldn't feel anything, he grabbed my finger and was brushing it on his chin, I couldn't feel anything. I can't put into words how I felt, it was certainly the opposite of ecstatic, I think he saw my face and realised that I wasn't bothered. He asked if I was, I was honest and said no and went to bed. I was feeling so low.

As I lay in bed the whole experience of this transition was flashing before my eyes, I couldn't share in his excitement, I felt like I was back to square one. Every now and then it hits me, it hits so hard that I feel like running off, my child is turning into a man.

It was good to see the psychologist in school today, she asked how I was and told me how proud she felt of me. I relayed my feelings about last night, she put my mind at rest and told me it was normal, as I am going to see noticeable changes during this phase of the transition. We then joked about me been on TV some time in the future telling the world of my journey, she did say she wanted to star in it too!

I feel a little upset as I have read W's blog update...I am feeling like a horrible, uncaring, unsupportive mum once again.