(39) Something I need to share...

I had the chance to speak with my close neighbour a couple of weekends ago. I wanted to update her as I had told her about W last summer, W was then Z. I had sent a Xmas card from myself, W and Matt and thought she may wonder who W was...she did think it was a new fella in my life!!
I told her about my blog and offered to email the link to her which I did.
I received such a beautiful email off her, I have to post it on here and share such a positive response with parents who may be taking this journey.

 Dear A

I sat down with a cup of coffee to do my emails the day after you sent me your blog. I read it all - my coffee went cold and I was blubbing away. I also followed the link to W's blog (it's hard because I want to say Rach out of habit).

I felt straight away that I should write, and not just to say it to you, that you have my support (W too) even if you just want to talk to stop yourself from going around in circles or letting things drive you mad. I'm here if you need me. I also wanted to say a few things about both blogs which I found to be very powerful, honest and full of emotion.

It's been hard for both of you, it's clear from W's blog that he has written it when he has felt very raw and/or angry over many aspects of his transition - it's so clear that he desperately needs you, his mum, and others, but you most of all, because you have an extremely close relationship. At the same time perhaps he doesn't always appreciate how difficult it has been and will continue to be, for you. The bond between W and Matt is phenomenal and Matt just "tells it how it is" and that is good for W and only Matt can get away with it. I never realised that W has so many anxieties and perhaps they will lessen with time and as the transition progresses. I think W also realises that people will call him Rach on occasions, it's not as though they don't or won't want to call him W, it's just habit and routine and it will take a while for them to "train" themselves to call him W. I myself have known you all since you moved in and it's hard to swap from Rach to W but I will try - but be prepared to forgive me the occasional slip.

Your blog is written as a parent with the powerful emotions of a parent. I can see how hard it has been for you and that through your blog you are now coming to terms with W's transition, even though there is still a long way to go. As much as W needs you, you too need W. What has happened isn't an every day occurrence and you have dealt with it brilliantly, you might not think so but reading your blog, you have. Your dilemma regarding buying W & Matt their Christmas cards - you were absolutely right to get them identical ones and they appreciated that - if I were you I would do the same year after year - but don't be surprised if you get two identical Christmas cards (or even birthday cards) in return! I know you feel that you have lost one child and gained another but, as Rachel you knew what her favourite colour, favourite food, favourite film etc was and that still remains through the transition to W.

The day after I read your blog I saw this in the newspaper and immediately thought of you both:

"If you are missing a loved one, fearful or worried take time out to be with your thoughts for a while. Write a letter to the person you are missing (even if they are no longer living), or write out what your feelings are right now in your situation - anger, envy, resentment, mad, sad - and just acknowledge them. Don't stop writing until you have written out everything. You will feel better for this exercise. Take heart too in this lovely African proverb: "However long the night, the dawn will break"

I saw this and immediately thought of you (and W). You have both done this with your respective blogs and I hope it has helped. I also think that you should really really think about not just carrying on with the blogs but turning it into a book. Both blogs are very honest and offer two very different, but nonetheless connected, perspectives which offer an insight into very deep emotions and would be a huge help to others going through transition - from both the parent and child/adult point of view.

I hope you don't mind me writing but I need you to know that you have my support and continuing friendship and I am here if you ever need me.

With love

B xxxx

(38) Sore throat?

W now back in touch with a very close friend after a misunderstanding about 6months ago!  So happy as it gives him a mate to do the usual matey stuff with, they are on the same mental wavelength, not sure if that's a good or bad thing really, at least it's bought him out of his dark mood.
Cooked them both a meal tonight, just like old times laughing and joking around the table.

All good between the two of us.
Had a good old chat during Sunday lunch, we both shed a few tears but it does clear the air between us.
W sounded like he had a sore throat but he said it wasn't sore. This had not got any better or worse. During our heart to heart chat W did tell me that he had been on the trans forums and his voice was breaking. W did say he felt concerned for me as he didn't want to be in my face, so was avoiding chatting to me. I soon put that right and he hasn't shut up since! The next injection appointment is just around the corner.

Had a conversation with a colleague today, her husbands manager has informed the staff that a young lady that is employed there will now be classed as a male, using the gents and being referred to as male etc. (W knows the man). The manager did tell them about the gender rules and they had to accept it, some unhappy blokes there! It's a tough old world...Good luck to him! Once again it highlights the prejudices that my W is going to be dealing with.

Benidorm booked now.
Hope W copes ok as he has avoided holidays abroad for a couple of years, it shouldn't be that hot where he will pass out wearing his binder under clothes, only going for 3days.

(37) Thank you

Not much to report about. Everything running smoothly. I am once again out of the doldrums, thanks to my close friends.
W had an appointment to see Dr Jorsh at The Harplands. Although the hormone is now prescribed on the NHS, worries were if any changes had to be made he would have to pay for consequent appointments with Dr Curtis. Dr Jorsh to the rescue so peace of mind. We will just have that one last appointment with Dr Curtis where W will have his blood levels checked, another good excuse to spend some time in London.

I would like to thank everybody who has shown their support. I received a link to a trans mans blog, here was a comment which he had aimed towards my blog. I found it quite rude and disrespectful and so did some of my followers, so a big thanks for the text messages etc, also thank you to the person who left a comment too. Its simple really, if you don't like my blog don't follow it!!

Counting the days to our Benidorm trip, (W's 21st pressie and Matts 18th pressie). Looking forward to spending some quality time with my two little babes. Roll on Easter.

(36) On a downer...

After the episode from the other night I have been feeling at an all time low. I have been crying and just feeling very low. I can't understand these emotions as I am so supportive of the situation. At the moment I am fearful of the apparent physical changes that are going to occur. I have a difficult, bumpy road to travel along, this is the second phase of the transition for me, I suppose that's why I feel I am back to square one.
I am very concerned as to what is actually happening inside W's body, he is doing the most unnatural  thing ever possible by pumping the opposite hormone into himself, the natural oestrogen must be having a right good fight back!
My elder sister jetted off to Tenerife how I wish I could have gone too.

W is not his usual self with me, I can't blame him.

I met up with the girls last night, one has had the week from hell, the three of us shared a few tears and hugs, it certainly put my life into perspective.
W has his health and a good future in front of him, so why can't I be happy?

(35) It was calm...

It had been reasonably calm I hadn't got anything to report on...
I knew that would soon change and it did!

I had a pleasant evening my friend had been round. It was really odd as she automatically referred to Rach as W, she did say it felt strange but I appreciated this as it will help me. Unfortunately I was referring to him as she.  I am finding it so hard.

Last night when I went upstairs to bed, W was standing in the bathroom. I asked how long he would be, he looked at me grinning and said, 'Come here mum and feel this on my chin'. 
He had felt a hair on his chin and was ecstatic, I truly couldn't feel anything, he grabbed my finger and was brushing it on his chin, I couldn't feel anything. I can't put into words how I felt, it was certainly the opposite of ecstatic, I think he saw my face and realised that I wasn't bothered. He asked if I was, I was honest and said no and went to bed. I was feeling so low.

As I lay in bed the whole experience of this transition was flashing before my eyes, I couldn't share in his excitement, I felt like I was back to square one. Every now and then it hits me, it hits so hard that I feel like running off, my child is turning into a man.

It was good to see the psychologist in school today, she asked how I was and told me how proud she felt of me. I relayed my feelings about last night, she put my mind at rest and told me it was normal, as I am going to see noticeable changes during this phase of the transition. We then joked about me been on TV some time in the future telling the world of my journey, she did say she wanted to star in it too!

I feel a little upset as I have read W's blog update...I am feeling like a horrible, uncaring, unsupportive mum once again.

(34) All calm

Not much to write about...
When it's calm for a while I begin to wonder what is going to happen next!
W still suffering with the monthly blues, I guess this will go on for a little longer as he has been pumped with testosterone.  Also a throat and ear infection just for good measure so he's feeling very down in the dumps.

I'm still having problems with the name situation, at the moment he has no name.
2nd shot of hormone in 4 weeks, I still struggle to believe this is all happening and expect to wake up and it was all a dream.
Still no contact from his dad.

Back to work today, some normality resumes but I am still on this parallel universe.

(33) 21st and hormonal!!

Not been a brill few days. Its been just over a week since the first hormone injection.

Worst nightmare happened as for all FTM's having a monthly brings many anxieties. W's life goes on hold so the run up to his 21st was doomed with misery. W had already been a bit hormonal, emotions all over the place during the week and a painful wisdom tooth making an appearance not a happy household!

To top it off W had a phone call off his dad. Ended in tears and again his dad disowning him and now telling him he was not welcome to use the family caravan which is in Wales.

Basically his dad thinks he should tell his grandad about the changes, W's argument is that if grandad dis owns him who would do his cleaning and shopping as his dad does not even visit him, he has got slight dementia too, awkward one. Also dad then went on about the name change and how it will affect any legal will entitlements he may have, the fact he was trying to discuss my will did not go down very well with W, apparently according to him if I die W becomes homeless, W was trying to explain but his dad hung up. (Ironic as the previous day I had discussed with W about changing his name on my will).

Part of me thinks his dad is trying to make amends and trying to come to terms with the situation. Unfortunately he really doesn't know W that well and approaches him in quite a controlling way so straight away W becomes defensive. At the end of the day it has taken me nearly a year and loads of research to understand all the implications, so one phone call does not make his dad a transsexual expert.

  The day had arrived. I put up blue 21st banners. Cards were opened, W was over the moon only 4 with 'Rachel' written inside were given out of the 21 cards received. One boyfriend, one Son, one pink one and all the rest unisex or boyish. No nephew or cousin ones were received.

Now for the meal. Everything went well then the cake was bought over to the table. We all sang happy birthday I sang 'to W', my elder sister stopped singing she was so uncomfortable she held my gaze so I was unable to see what other people sang but it didn't sound like W. W sat staring at the cake as he had been dreading the birthday song which he told me after.

 I had bought my card at the beginning of November. It was the first card I had bought for him with Son on. To buy that was so distressing it took me about three weeks to get it. I had been looking at 21st cards each time I went into the card shop. One particular day I had looked at Daughter ones and then picked up a Son one, I was overcome with emotions and left the shop. This card buying was on my mind now and I had to make a decision. I had seen a perfect one for him. The next time I went into the shop I just picked up the one I had already seen, switched off my feelings and bought it, I then put it away in the cupboard.

W text his dad to thank him for the card and money, which was given to him at Christmas. His dad never text back, he didn't wish him a happy birthday.

W's emotions were all over the place. It's not the best of days to have a birthday on New Years Eve. W was been torn between his girlfriend and mates as to where to go for the evening, my only advice was to go where he wanted to go, W is constantly compromising, you are only 21 once!

HAPPY NEW YEAR to all of you, it's going to be another interesting and challenging one. xx