(58) How should I be feeling???

Brighton trip came around quite quickly.
I have mixed feelings, I really want to be a part of W's celebrations as I'm sure he wants to be cracking open the champagne but something inside will not let me share.

We got to the hospital and were taken into Mr Yellands consulting room, the nurse was with us too. Mr Yelland asked W to lie on the bed, I didn't really want to watch this procedure but as the nurse only pulled the curtain part way I had no option. So within 10 mins W had no dressings or staples in, just a bruised and slightly swollen chest.
It was there now in front of me, W now has no breasts but a flat chest with restructured nipples...Mr Yelland has done a fabulous job and W is over the moon.

I have had no time on my own since the operation so I have constantly being hiding my feelings, not had the chance to have a cry to release these emotions.
I really don't know how I am suppose to be feeling, should I be as happy for W or am I allowed to feel a little down in the dumps? Emotions I hate them!

At work I am very lucky to have such caring colleagues, only problem when they ask how I am I break down and they hug me and make me worse...Like I have said before I am the one usually giving emotional support and I find it difficult to receive.

Everybody has gone quiet now, the first 3 days my phone was manic I now feel that not many people care. Hopefully I will hear from Dr Johnson soon that should put me on track, I really need a big kick up the bum but I also need time to grieve for my little girl.

(57) Putting on a brave face

After spending the last 5 days at W's side it was difficult leaving for work on Monday morning. W was concerned about been left alone and we had discussed that I could ask my boss if I could leave at lunchtime.
I had not had any time on my own to sort my head, so arriving to school on Monday and my colleagues showing concern didn't help my emotions! I was a blubbering wreck. I went to speak to my boss who as usual was supportive and agreed that I should leave on the Monday and Tuesday at lunchtime. I managed to get through the morning but felt more like a spare part.
My boss called me into his office this morning, he offered me some emotional support off our other Psychologist he is a Dr. I refused at first, as I could chat to Julia on Thursday, but then admitted that I am not as strong as I thought I was and it wouldn't do any harm so it's being arranged.

We went to the Drs this afternoon as W required more painkillers and a sick note.  His dressing needs changing as it has dried blood and is quite hard, the nurse was not available so we have an appointment for tomorrow. After chatting on the forums he has decided to leave the dressing until Monday now as we don't want any mishaps. Not that we don't trust the nurse but the nipple has separate dressings which can not be removed and they may come off with the outer dressing.

W came out with a lovely comment at teatime which bought me back down to earth and understanding his desperate need to go through all of this... We were talking about holidays and he said just book it mum I'll come with you, W has refused numerous holidays these last few years, which I reminded him, he said no problem now I'll come anytime there's nothing stopping me anymore. Pity I can't afford to go as I would have booked something there and then!

(56) ...End of chapter one!

Operation accomplished!!

W was wheeled down to theatre at 10.50am. Mr Yelland had been in to put arrows and lines on his chest just after 8am.
Had tried my best to keep it together, had a little cry when W asked how I was in the hotel just before we left, felt awful as W is very sensitive to my feelings. Completely lost it when he was wheeled out, I just stared through the window fighting back my tears, the nurse reassured W that it was perfectly natural that I would be upset.
We were told he would be back at 1pm. 2 hours to kill, we headed into Brighton and popped in and out of shops, not a clue which ones as I was on automatic pilot. S was brill she just diverted the whole situation. S then bought Will a Dinosaur 'onesie' from Primark!
At the back of mind I was selfishly hoping he had decided against it, expecting a text to collect him... Also at the back of my mind I new he was going through with it and I know its the right thing.

Received loads of text messages from family and friends throughout the day and night, my support network is amazing. Had received a lovely card from my close friend Trish, 'thinking about you'.

Returned to the hospital at 1pm, no W. A nurse came in and said he would be about 20mins, at 1.45pm he was wheeled back in. Awake but totally out of it.

W was coming around quite well, high on painkillers and morphine. Teatime arrived,  S and I went to the pub over the road for a quick meal, whilst we left W to have a meal. Returned and W had been very sick, not manged to eat a thing.
W had not yet been to the loo, I called a nurse to help him out of bed. His back was covered in blood from the operation, I cleaned him up whilst they sorted his bed. W was once again sick.

We left him at around 9pm and returned to the hotel, a very long day.
Once back in the room I spoke with my sister's, was good to be able to cry and not feel guilty.

It's been a roller coaster these last few days. Arrived home late Friday evening. W very uncomfortable on two types of painkillers. The worst part is the binding he is wrapped in, it restricts his breathing to a point. Very limited to what he can do, simple things like opening the fridge door and reaching into the cupboard for items, I think he's enjoying the 'being waited on' bit, wont be for much longer.
Had a few visitors yesterday and a couple of get well cards. My younger sis gave him a card and explained she wasn't sure if it should be a 'congratulations' one or 'get well', she opted for the get well soon.

Back to work tomorrow, feel like I need a few days off to get my head around all of this and to help W, no worries my neighbour has said she will be about if he needs anything.

Staples and stitches out week Monday, hope it's the result he wanted...
One hell of a lot of money to get this far.

(55) This time next week!

Met up with all of my family this afternoon, doesn't happen very often. Everybody wished us well but my brother appeared oblivious to it, will give him a call over the weekend.
My aunty quite concerned and she made me a little tearful on the way home.

All of my close friends and colleagues have shown their support, I have never had so many hugs and text messages. It's been a long journey to this point and appreciate their words of comfort, truths and kicks up the bum to get me out of those black times.
My older sister Jan asked if we had heard from his dad... Absolutely nothing, he has walked past our house and ignored W and me on a number of occasions when we were on the drive. Not even worrying about his outburst when he finds out, it's going to be my fault whatever happens to the kids! 

Good news, S has now got the time off and managed to book into the same hotel as us but at a price!
We didn't know until yesterday, she checked her rota for next week and found that she was on holiday...incompetence comes to mind.
Only problem, what does she tell her mum and dad, they have no idea that W is biologically a female!
W came up with the idea to tell her parents that he was having Gynecomastia surgery. S has told them and they have accepted that, only comment being, 'Why can't people be happy with their bodies'?

Just want it to be over with now and W to be OK, hope he copes with the discomfort, small price to pay for his happiness!
On half term but wishing the week away, this time next week it will all be over with and I will be nurse mummy!!

Thank you to everybody who has been there for me...