Had a really good heart to heart with Matt last week.
This came about as he had finished with his girlfriend who turned out to be not a very nice person... She sent me a private message through Facebook obviously very upset that Matt had ended the relationship, slating Matt and how he despised W deciding on becoming a man. I replied in a positive way to try and make her feel better. She sent a message, intending to hurt me and referred to W as a tranny! Mmm very nice girl.
Matt and I had a good open chat, the first one we have had discussing W. Matt's main concerns are a couple of his workmates, the majority are fine with it as they have known W as 'Rach' and suspected the transition, and told Matt to be proud of him as that was a big decision to do what he has.
There are a couple of younger lads who he works with and if they know about W they would give him constant stick and Matt doesn't want to lose his rag as he would have to defend W. I felt very proud of Matt but also concerned as I don't want him giving anybody a popped nose!
Matt also discussed his difficulty in calling him W. As Matt lives with his dad and it's not discussed there W is still Rach. Matt sees a lot of his grandad too, so once again he is still in the world where Rach exists. Matt does try his best when he's with W.
Another great positive... I spent a couple of hours with my aunty yesterday, we were on our own and she asked about W, that is the first time she has called him W.
W begins University once again tomorrow! Brand new start, new people and new Uni!
On the whole things are good.
Sunday, 16 September 2012
Sunday, 19 August 2012
(63) Latest hurdle
I decided that it was time that I went to visit my ex brother and sister in law. They live in Wales now and I don't get the opportunity to see them that often, in all honesty I have been putting it off whilst I was dealing with the transition.
My bro in law has no relationship with his brother (W's dad), they have not spoken for 20 years. I have been putting off this conversation about W and his decision, as I don't want anybody using it as 'one upmanship'.
I also felt it would be unfair to them to hear it secondhand, as it is no secret anymore news travels fast.
I dropped the bombshell... I'm not shocked anymore or perceive an outcome as I inform people, so I just take their reaction as it comes.
Well, there was no reaction. Ant made no comment and Iz just said 'As long as she is happy, she will always be my niece, I love her to bits'.
Job done, no mention until the following morning. Iz was asking how Matt had taken it and how had her dad reacted, I told her the story of his visit 18months ago, she was not surprised as she knows W's dad very well. Iz was asking how I was and how difficult it must have been. There was no reaction at all off Ant, no questions in fact it was as if he hadn't heard what I had said.
Finally, I think that the people who need to be informed have been...There is just the big question
'Do we tell Grandad'?
My bro in law has no relationship with his brother (W's dad), they have not spoken for 20 years. I have been putting off this conversation about W and his decision, as I don't want anybody using it as 'one upmanship'.
I also felt it would be unfair to them to hear it secondhand, as it is no secret anymore news travels fast.
I dropped the bombshell... I'm not shocked anymore or perceive an outcome as I inform people, so I just take their reaction as it comes.
Well, there was no reaction. Ant made no comment and Iz just said 'As long as she is happy, she will always be my niece, I love her to bits'.
Job done, no mention until the following morning. Iz was asking how Matt had taken it and how had her dad reacted, I told her the story of his visit 18months ago, she was not surprised as she knows W's dad very well. Iz was asking how I was and how difficult it must have been. There was no reaction at all off Ant, no questions in fact it was as if he hadn't heard what I had said.
Finally, I think that the people who need to be informed have been...There is just the big question
'Do we tell Grandad'?
Sunday, 12 August 2012
(62) Catch up.
Seems a while since I updated.
I am enjoying the break from school and doing just as the psychologist suggested, putting myself first and indulging myself!!
So, I have redecorated my bedroom, new carpet too and bought some little bits and bobs. I had new windows fitted so all in all the place is looking quite good.
I took the opportunity to go with my friend, (who technically should be living in Greece) to visit a couple Maureen and Mark, who I met in Greece, they now live in Yorkshire as a major change in circumstance bought them back to the UK. (Maureen has a blog which I have been following)
Mark had a very unpleasant accident 18months ago which has left him paralysed, so there life changing situation runs quite parallel to mine, all of the emotions and feelings it's quite ironic. Maureen and I chatted and chatted for what seemed like hours, sharing each others story whilst drinking a few glasses of red, both of us understanding exactly what a tough time we have had, and fears for the future.
Day to day is very normal.I still haven't seen the scars but I do ask how they are. W has been buying some cream off the internet... This is to help with the scarring. It's quite expensive, Dermatix. W asked for some on prescription and the Dr has prescribed it.
W has been offered a place at a different University to start back this September, at least he can begin his new chapter as W.
I am enjoying the break from school and doing just as the psychologist suggested, putting myself first and indulging myself!!
So, I have redecorated my bedroom, new carpet too and bought some little bits and bobs. I had new windows fitted so all in all the place is looking quite good.
I took the opportunity to go with my friend, (who technically should be living in Greece) to visit a couple Maureen and Mark, who I met in Greece, they now live in Yorkshire as a major change in circumstance bought them back to the UK. (Maureen has a blog which I have been following)
Mark had a very unpleasant accident 18months ago which has left him paralysed, so there life changing situation runs quite parallel to mine, all of the emotions and feelings it's quite ironic. Maureen and I chatted and chatted for what seemed like hours, sharing each others story whilst drinking a few glasses of red, both of us understanding exactly what a tough time we have had, and fears for the future.
Day to day is very normal.I still haven't seen the scars but I do ask how they are. W has been buying some cream off the internet... This is to help with the scarring. It's quite expensive, Dermatix. W asked for some on prescription and the Dr has prescribed it.
W has been offered a place at a different University to start back this September, at least he can begin his new chapter as W.
Friday, 20 July 2012
(61)...Another week has passed by.
W has coped very well at work, first week back done, no aches or pains just soaking wet every night when he got in!! To think this time last year he was in agony with constant daily binding for hours.
Saw my eldest sister on Tuesday evening first time since the operation, went to visit with my aunt and elder sis, was good to get out too. Not much was said at all which surprised me, obviously she asked how W was and that was it, no mention of the operation.
I expect everybody thinks I am ok now, as it has been a few weeks now, and it becomes less spoken about, I wish it was that easy. Still on my parallel universe.
Dr Matt Johnson came into school on Wednesday. I still feel odd sitting in a chair and listening to given advice he was very understanding, he put things into perspective and made it all feel right to feel like I still do. Was really good to talk to somebody, I had a lot to get off my chest and needed reassurance that these feelings and thoughts were the the norm, I was emotional. I'm still in this bereavement zone. I keep going over in my head when they wheeled him down to theatre, it's such a vivid image... I have a very happy, healthy child, so why?
He had no magic wand but told me to spoil myself during the summer break and to put myself first as I have wrapped myself up with work in order to cope and have burnt myself out hence my low emotional state at present. Whilst chatting I realised that I have W as a 21 year old going through puberty but acting like a 13year old boy, quite a mummy's boy and loving it, not complaining as I missed out on Matt and I am in my element looking after him.
I spoke about the blog and how it has helped us both, he did suggest that I should think seriously about having them both published as there is a gap with support.
A colleague called round last night, he did say he didn't realise it was W who had opened the door until we started chatting, he welcomed him to manhood and told him he was looking good! People are noticing the changes with him now, not just the voice but his face has altered. W has grown a little taller. we have marked his height on the kitchen door but he has only grown an inch he appears to be catching me up now!
Matt bought me back down to earth, he had a speeding fine this week, last week he was caught without his seat belt on, mmm kids!
Saw my eldest sister on Tuesday evening first time since the operation, went to visit with my aunt and elder sis, was good to get out too. Not much was said at all which surprised me, obviously she asked how W was and that was it, no mention of the operation.
I expect everybody thinks I am ok now, as it has been a few weeks now, and it becomes less spoken about, I wish it was that easy. Still on my parallel universe.
Dr Matt Johnson came into school on Wednesday. I still feel odd sitting in a chair and listening to given advice he was very understanding, he put things into perspective and made it all feel right to feel like I still do. Was really good to talk to somebody, I had a lot to get off my chest and needed reassurance that these feelings and thoughts were the the norm, I was emotional. I'm still in this bereavement zone. I keep going over in my head when they wheeled him down to theatre, it's such a vivid image... I have a very happy, healthy child, so why?
He had no magic wand but told me to spoil myself during the summer break and to put myself first as I have wrapped myself up with work in order to cope and have burnt myself out hence my low emotional state at present. Whilst chatting I realised that I have W as a 21 year old going through puberty but acting like a 13year old boy, quite a mummy's boy and loving it, not complaining as I missed out on Matt and I am in my element looking after him.
I spoke about the blog and how it has helped us both, he did suggest that I should think seriously about having them both published as there is a gap with support.
A colleague called round last night, he did say he didn't realise it was W who had opened the door until we started chatting, he welcomed him to manhood and told him he was looking good! People are noticing the changes with him now, not just the voice but his face has altered. W has grown a little taller. we have marked his height on the kitchen door but he has only grown an inch he appears to be catching me up now!
Matt bought me back down to earth, he had a speeding fine this week, last week he was caught without his seat belt on, mmm kids!
Friday, 13 July 2012
(60) Back 2 work
W is back to work tomorrow, I am going to miss him.
I have got quite used to him being around the house, especially when I come home from work. Work has been tough going and W being at home has given me somebody to moan too!
I read W's latest blog update, these blog entries have kept us both sane. We have many unspoken thoughts and feelings but writing them in the blog keeps us both up to date with each others emotions.
The psychologist came into school to arrange our first meeting, this Wednesday at lunctime. I felt a bit choked when he spoke to me, hopefully it will get me back on track.
I went to visit a new addition to my evergrowing family the other evening, my older sister Jan picked me up. She always asks how everybody is, I cringed when she asked how 'Rach' was, I don't think she will ever refer to him as anything else.
I have got quite used to him being around the house, especially when I come home from work. Work has been tough going and W being at home has given me somebody to moan too!
I read W's latest blog update, these blog entries have kept us both sane. We have many unspoken thoughts and feelings but writing them in the blog keeps us both up to date with each others emotions.
The psychologist came into school to arrange our first meeting, this Wednesday at lunctime. I felt a bit choked when he spoke to me, hopefully it will get me back on track.
I went to visit a new addition to my evergrowing family the other evening, my older sister Jan picked me up. She always asks how everybody is, I cringed when she asked how 'Rach' was, I don't think she will ever refer to him as anything else.
Thursday, 5 July 2012
(59) Update...
W is still off work, considering going back as he really doesn't cope with being at home all day on his own, he can lift his arms a lot more now and is driving.
I am feeling less emotional now have been extremely busy with work and have had the chance to get out and about more with friends which has done me good.
I am talking about it without breaking down as much still getting a little choked but all ok.
My biggest concern is that I haven't asked to see the scars to check how it's healing, not seen it since the staples were removed so feeling like a terrible mum, this upsets me as I know if it was an appendix operation for example I would be checking the healing everyday!!
Spoke to Julia at school today and raised this concern, she told me it is normal as I am there for W and he knows that, just to take each day in my stride. Not heard off Dr Johnson as yet, my head teacher has asked that he gets in touch with me.
I am feeling less emotional now have been extremely busy with work and have had the chance to get out and about more with friends which has done me good.
I am talking about it without breaking down as much still getting a little choked but all ok.
My biggest concern is that I haven't asked to see the scars to check how it's healing, not seen it since the staples were removed so feeling like a terrible mum, this upsets me as I know if it was an appendix operation for example I would be checking the healing everyday!!
Spoke to Julia at school today and raised this concern, she told me it is normal as I am there for W and he knows that, just to take each day in my stride. Not heard off Dr Johnson as yet, my head teacher has asked that he gets in touch with me.
Friday, 22 June 2012
(58) How should I be feeling???
Brighton trip came around quite quickly.
I have mixed feelings, I really want to be a part of W's celebrations as I'm sure he wants to be cracking open the champagne but something inside will not let me share.
We got to the hospital and were taken into Mr Yellands consulting room, the nurse was with us too. Mr Yelland asked W to lie on the bed, I didn't really want to watch this procedure but as the nurse only pulled the curtain part way I had no option. So within 10 mins W had no dressings or staples in, just a bruised and slightly swollen chest.
It was there now in front of me, W now has no breasts but a flat chest with restructured nipples...Mr Yelland has done a fabulous job and W is over the moon.
I have had no time on my own since the operation so I have constantly being hiding my feelings, not had the chance to have a cry to release these emotions.
I really don't know how I am suppose to be feeling, should I be as happy for W or am I allowed to feel a little down in the dumps? Emotions I hate them!
At work I am very lucky to have such caring colleagues, only problem when they ask how I am I break down and they hug me and make me worse...Like I have said before I am the one usually giving emotional support and I find it difficult to receive.
Everybody has gone quiet now, the first 3 days my phone was manic I now feel that not many people care. Hopefully I will hear from Dr Johnson soon that should put me on track, I really need a big kick up the bum but I also need time to grieve for my little girl.
I have mixed feelings, I really want to be a part of W's celebrations as I'm sure he wants to be cracking open the champagne but something inside will not let me share.
We got to the hospital and were taken into Mr Yellands consulting room, the nurse was with us too. Mr Yelland asked W to lie on the bed, I didn't really want to watch this procedure but as the nurse only pulled the curtain part way I had no option. So within 10 mins W had no dressings or staples in, just a bruised and slightly swollen chest.
It was there now in front of me, W now has no breasts but a flat chest with restructured nipples...Mr Yelland has done a fabulous job and W is over the moon.
I have had no time on my own since the operation so I have constantly being hiding my feelings, not had the chance to have a cry to release these emotions.
I really don't know how I am suppose to be feeling, should I be as happy for W or am I allowed to feel a little down in the dumps? Emotions I hate them!
At work I am very lucky to have such caring colleagues, only problem when they ask how I am I break down and they hug me and make me worse...Like I have said before I am the one usually giving emotional support and I find it difficult to receive.
Everybody has gone quiet now, the first 3 days my phone was manic I now feel that not many people care. Hopefully I will hear from Dr Johnson soon that should put me on track, I really need a big kick up the bum but I also need time to grieve for my little girl.
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