(43)...When should the next injection be??

Had quite a week, and it's not just W to concern me at the moment!

Matt had an incident involving his car, basically he got run off the road and then some scum bag stole his alloy wheels whilst he had to leave it on the roadside as he was unable to drive it! Was so gutted for him, it's such a horrible feeling when somebody does something across your child, he has worked his butt off for this car, it's his pride and joy.  It's great to see how close Matt and W are, W is so protective of him, so happy as they have not lived together for 8 years but obviously that has had no lasting effect on their relationship.

All peaceful at the moment except for one issue which we are struggling to sort out.  W was told when he should have the injections, ie 1 to start, another at 6 weeks and then 3 months later, then every 3 months. On the forums and guys he has spoken to have said that they had their 3rd one at 6 weeks, been in touch with Charing Cross and they have agreed he requires a 3rd at 6 weeks not 12 weeks. Now we are waiting for written confirmation so we can tell the Dr. Hope they hurry up 6 weeks flies by.

W's voice is very deep now, he is passing as a male totally! On the phone to my sister the other evening and she thought I had a secret bloke in with me as she could hear W in the background.

(42) Another message of support.

This is the message that W had received via his blog, I thought I should share it...

I sat and read your mums blog in one sitting with tears in my eyes and an ache in my heart. I hope you are aware how lucky you are to have such a wonderful loving supportive mum. I hope you tell her everyday that you love her and how much you appreciate her. And tell her from me if she ever considers adoption can I be first on the list !!

At times when I reflect over the last year, I have not felt like the supportive mum that people say I am.
I re read a blog entry and think was that really me?  How hurtful was I?
Emotions hey!  As for support we have both needed each other in different ways, we've come through it and will carry on battling with whatever is thrown our way!

Came across this song, the lyrics are just perfect!!

(41) Passing as male 100%

All going quite smoothly. It's beginning to feel the norm now. W very comfortable with the voice and stubble.
Saw Julia last week the school psychologist, not spoken to her for a few months in confidence, not had the opportunity too to be honest, it's just been a quick 'how are things'. Had a lovely chat and updated her on the progress, explained how I felt regards the facial hair, she suggested I buy a razor and shaving gel and leave them in the bathroom, good idea but not done it yet! Julia also impressed with my attitude and said I spoke about W with enthusiasm and pride.
W came into school a few days ago to cover some lessons for me. I felt this was a good opportunity for the staff to meet W as W now, as I have told a few more of my colleagues about him, I have worked with most of these colleagues for the biggest part of W's lifetime so they have seen him grow up.
I was a little nervous as my older pupils know I have a boy and girl. I decided with W that I would introduce him as a student as I would not be around so him calling me mum in ear shot was not a problem. All of my students accepted him as W, there were no comments made about him and a couple of the girls fancied him, they asked when he was coming in again!!
Matt spoke to me on the phone a couple of days ago and referred to him as W, that's a first so all going good in W's favour, I have dropped the female pronouns now and am trying my hardest with that, called him W a few times too.
W had a lovely email regarding my blog, the trans man was full of praise for me and told W he was very lucky having me as his mum, he told W he should show his appreciation all the time and tell me loves me every day, also he wants me to adopt him...Waiting for W to forward it to me so I can post it here.

Matt had more blood tests waiting for the results of those.

Had a brilliant evening, Matt introduced me to his lovely girlfriend in the afternoon and she came for tea, well a take away, was great to have them all around the table, we had some laughs and Matt suffered embarrassing tales off W, happy times.

One happy, proud mummy, got two, very happy gorgeous sons.

(40) 6 weeks on...

Can't believe it has been 6 weeks since that 1st hormone injection!
W went for his 2nd jab, next one in 3months and then every 3months for life.

There has been quite a noticeable change with W.  These changes have happened much more quickly than I imagined, unsure how to express my feelings. In one way I'm glad these changes are happening quickly at least it's not going to be a long drawn out process.

W's voice has gone deeper, people are noticing and he is no longer recognised if he answers the telephone. He had a call off his grandad at the weekend and he had to explain it was 'Rach' as that is how he is still known to his grandad, not sure if he can get away with that for much longer!
Facial hair is another change which I never thought would happen so quick, this is my biggest hurdle.  I felt gutted when I saw the pic of his chin complete with stubble patches on his blog, I did spill a few tears... Just got to get on with it.

W still not had any contact with his dad.  Matt told me that dad is not happy about the name change as he had found out through a local gossip friend of his who had seen it via facebook, I don't believe that, as our facebook accounts are very secure and the local gossiper has no access to either of our facebook accounts. Been totally honest I don't care anymore, we are both getting through this without him, all that he does is put a downer on the whole thing. We both have a good network of family and friends who offer us support.

Matt not well at the mo, he had blood tests yesterday. He has lost a lot of weight and looks very tired. Sure he will be ok, makes a change to have him to worry about.

(39) Something I need to share...

I had the chance to speak with my close neighbour a couple of weekends ago. I wanted to update her as I had told her about W last summer, W was then Z. I had sent a Xmas card from myself, W and Matt and thought she may wonder who W was...she did think it was a new fella in my life!!
I told her about my blog and offered to email the link to her which I did.
I received such a beautiful email off her, I have to post it on here and share such a positive response with parents who may be taking this journey.

 Dear A

I sat down with a cup of coffee to do my emails the day after you sent me your blog. I read it all - my coffee went cold and I was blubbing away. I also followed the link to W's blog (it's hard because I want to say Rach out of habit).

I felt straight away that I should write, and not just to say it to you, that you have my support (W too) even if you just want to talk to stop yourself from going around in circles or letting things drive you mad. I'm here if you need me. I also wanted to say a few things about both blogs which I found to be very powerful, honest and full of emotion.

It's been hard for both of you, it's clear from W's blog that he has written it when he has felt very raw and/or angry over many aspects of his transition - it's so clear that he desperately needs you, his mum, and others, but you most of all, because you have an extremely close relationship. At the same time perhaps he doesn't always appreciate how difficult it has been and will continue to be, for you. The bond between W and Matt is phenomenal and Matt just "tells it how it is" and that is good for W and only Matt can get away with it. I never realised that W has so many anxieties and perhaps they will lessen with time and as the transition progresses. I think W also realises that people will call him Rach on occasions, it's not as though they don't or won't want to call him W, it's just habit and routine and it will take a while for them to "train" themselves to call him W. I myself have known you all since you moved in and it's hard to swap from Rach to W but I will try - but be prepared to forgive me the occasional slip.

Your blog is written as a parent with the powerful emotions of a parent. I can see how hard it has been for you and that through your blog you are now coming to terms with W's transition, even though there is still a long way to go. As much as W needs you, you too need W. What has happened isn't an every day occurrence and you have dealt with it brilliantly, you might not think so but reading your blog, you have. Your dilemma regarding buying W & Matt their Christmas cards - you were absolutely right to get them identical ones and they appreciated that - if I were you I would do the same year after year - but don't be surprised if you get two identical Christmas cards (or even birthday cards) in return! I know you feel that you have lost one child and gained another but, as Rachel you knew what her favourite colour, favourite food, favourite film etc was and that still remains through the transition to W.

The day after I read your blog I saw this in the newspaper and immediately thought of you both:

"If you are missing a loved one, fearful or worried take time out to be with your thoughts for a while. Write a letter to the person you are missing (even if they are no longer living), or write out what your feelings are right now in your situation - anger, envy, resentment, mad, sad - and just acknowledge them. Don't stop writing until you have written out everything. You will feel better for this exercise. Take heart too in this lovely African proverb: "However long the night, the dawn will break"

I saw this and immediately thought of you (and W). You have both done this with your respective blogs and I hope it has helped. I also think that you should really really think about not just carrying on with the blogs but turning it into a book. Both blogs are very honest and offer two very different, but nonetheless connected, perspectives which offer an insight into very deep emotions and would be a huge help to others going through transition - from both the parent and child/adult point of view.

I hope you don't mind me writing but I need you to know that you have my support and continuing friendship and I am here if you ever need me.

With love

B xxxx

(38) Sore throat?

W now back in touch with a very close friend after a misunderstanding about 6months ago!  So happy as it gives him a mate to do the usual matey stuff with, they are on the same mental wavelength, not sure if that's a good or bad thing really, at least it's bought him out of his dark mood.
Cooked them both a meal tonight, just like old times laughing and joking around the table.

All good between the two of us.
Had a good old chat during Sunday lunch, we both shed a few tears but it does clear the air between us.
W sounded like he had a sore throat but he said it wasn't sore. This had not got any better or worse. During our heart to heart chat W did tell me that he had been on the trans forums and his voice was breaking. W did say he felt concerned for me as he didn't want to be in my face, so was avoiding chatting to me. I soon put that right and he hasn't shut up since! The next injection appointment is just around the corner.

Had a conversation with a colleague today, her husbands manager has informed the staff that a young lady that is employed there will now be classed as a male, using the gents and being referred to as male etc. (W knows the man). The manager did tell them about the gender rules and they had to accept it, some unhappy blokes there! It's a tough old world...Good luck to him! Once again it highlights the prejudices that my W is going to be dealing with.

Benidorm booked now.
Hope W copes ok as he has avoided holidays abroad for a couple of years, it shouldn't be that hot where he will pass out wearing his binder under clothes, only going for 3days.