Reality is hitting now.
Was doing OK until my sister asked how I was at the weekend, it's the first time anybody has asked how I was feeling about it, felt a little choked but passed it off and changed the subject. She asked if I had booked the hotel, I hadn't but I have now...I know it's happening and getting close but at the same time feel like it's never going to happen.
Since the weekend I have had a little bit of time to myself and caught myself thinking about the whole situation, felt a little down about it but I'm sure that is natural.
I am avoiding any conversation about the operation.
I am in the middle, worrying about how W is feeling and reassuring him, then covering my feelings so as not to concern him. Very mixed emotions, but I'm sure if he was having his tonsils out I would be this paranoid mummy!!
A friend dropped by earlier who I have not seen in months. He was very impressed with W's masculinity and how relaxed he was as W. He mentioned the anxiety as W had worked part time for him a while ago and he had witnessed this. As this has subsided now it's obvious that the dysphoria was the root of it, as time goes by I forget just how ill W had been at times.
Thursday, 10 May 2012
Thursday, 3 May 2012
(52) Chaperone!
Had a lovely phone call off my eldest sister, Gill.
Not had chance to chat to her recently, we all went out to celebrate my aunts 80th birthday but not the place to catch up about W.
Gill and her hubby had offered to change their weeks holiday to coincide with the op in Brighton so they could be there with myself and W. I was quite touched by their offer but as S was coming with us I was going to be ok and not be on my own. I would have definitely took them up on the offer otherwise. Gill understood, I really appreciated her thoughtfulness.
Not had chance to chat to her recently, we all went out to celebrate my aunts 80th birthday but not the place to catch up about W.
Gill and her hubby had offered to change their weeks holiday to coincide with the op in Brighton so they could be there with myself and W. I was quite touched by their offer but as S was coming with us I was going to be ok and not be on my own. I would have definitely took them up on the offer otherwise. Gill understood, I really appreciated her thoughtfulness.
Wednesday, 25 April 2012
(51) RESPONSE!!!
When we had received the referral to Mr Yellend off Richard Curtis, I immediately told family and friends. W had contacted Mr Yellend's secretary the next day and secured the operation and the consultation dates. I informed everybody as we all need to prepare for this next step.
The days leading up to the visit I had a few text messages wishing us luck etc, none off any member of my family.
The evening before my older sis called me but never mentioned the appointment, it was a quick phone call as she had things to do. I didn't think anything but I expected a text later, nothing.
Again I'm on this parallel universe. It's not an emotional meltdown I am in control, I know people forget but if I was given this news about a family member it would be etched on my brain or written on the calendar! Or do I depend too much on my blog giving the messages???
On the way home from Brighton I had a couple of messages from my close friends.
I asked W to text my sister's telling them that everything had gone well. I was quite surprised with the response, two sister's had forgotten we were going and the other sent a brief message saying he hadn't got long to wait now.
At work the following day my close colleagues were asking all about it and then my head teacher spoke to me in his office. I had quite a lengthy chat with him and he was very supportive, telling me not to worry about any extra time off I may need. He also said I had the hardest job at the moment carrying all this around and functioning at school, I did explain I can leave personal problems at the door and carry on as normal also it helped to have supportive colleagues.
Emotionally I am feeling very strong at the moment.
That evening two of my sister's called me. I updated them and they apologised for not remembering, this whole situation is not talked about as often now when we meet up so I can excuse them their forgetfulness!!
Emotionally W is struggling with the thought of the operation, excited that in a few weeks he will be in a much better place, but he has never been in hospital before. Two main fears, having a drip put in and secondly waking up before it's over. Mr Yellend did call him a wimp regards the drip and convinced him (I think) that he would not wake up during the operation.
W's dad has not been in touch at all with him, its been 4months now since he has seen him. I am concerned about his response to W's voice breaking and when he finds out about the operation, I know it will be me who will get the ear bashing.
The days leading up to the visit I had a few text messages wishing us luck etc, none off any member of my family.
The evening before my older sis called me but never mentioned the appointment, it was a quick phone call as she had things to do. I didn't think anything but I expected a text later, nothing.
Again I'm on this parallel universe. It's not an emotional meltdown I am in control, I know people forget but if I was given this news about a family member it would be etched on my brain or written on the calendar! Or do I depend too much on my blog giving the messages???
On the way home from Brighton I had a couple of messages from my close friends.
I asked W to text my sister's telling them that everything had gone well. I was quite surprised with the response, two sister's had forgotten we were going and the other sent a brief message saying he hadn't got long to wait now.
At work the following day my close colleagues were asking all about it and then my head teacher spoke to me in his office. I had quite a lengthy chat with him and he was very supportive, telling me not to worry about any extra time off I may need. He also said I had the hardest job at the moment carrying all this around and functioning at school, I did explain I can leave personal problems at the door and carry on as normal also it helped to have supportive colleagues.
Emotionally I am feeling very strong at the moment.
That evening two of my sister's called me. I updated them and they apologised for not remembering, this whole situation is not talked about as often now when we meet up so I can excuse them their forgetfulness!!
Emotionally W is struggling with the thought of the operation, excited that in a few weeks he will be in a much better place, but he has never been in hospital before. Two main fears, having a drip put in and secondly waking up before it's over. Mr Yellend did call him a wimp regards the drip and convinced him (I think) that he would not wake up during the operation.
W's dad has not been in touch at all with him, its been 4months now since he has seen him. I am concerned about his response to W's voice breaking and when he finds out about the operation, I know it will be me who will get the ear bashing.
Tuesday, 24 April 2012
(50)... Operation confirmed
Off to Brighton we went, appointment was at 5.30pm with Mr Yellend. Never been before so a little unsure of timings, route times on the web were between 3 and a half to four hours, weather conditions were appalling but we did it in 4hours.
After driving straight to the Nuffield we drove to the sea front if only to see the iconic Brighton Pier. We managed to find an undercover shopping centre with parking, torrential rain so not a day to be on the Pier!
We had 2 hours before the appointment. First a lunch stop. The rain did cease a little, so a quick run round to the recently opened Pretty Green shop a purchase made and we decided on a quick walk to the front and a photo opportunity of the pier.
We made our way to the hospital and we were greeted by Mr Yellend by the reception so no hanging around drinking coffee. The day was going very quickly so no thinking time.
The Nuffield is set quite high up about 5 minutes from the sea front, the views were awesome.
Mr Yellend invited us in to his room. He has a very calm approach and very down to earth manner which put us both at ease.
After he had looked at W's chest he automatically told us the procedure he would recommend, sadly it has to be the bigger operation with the scars but as W wants a very flat result a double incision it is!
The consultation lasted about 45 minutes, as Mr Yellend was very informative I didn't have that much to ask and W had been chatting away as if he had known him for years!
So operation to go ahead 6th June. 3 nights in Brighton hopefully the sun will shine.
Not had time yet to dwell, but as I have come to terms with the situation I just want everything to be complete.
After driving straight to the Nuffield we drove to the sea front if only to see the iconic Brighton Pier. We managed to find an undercover shopping centre with parking, torrential rain so not a day to be on the Pier!
We had 2 hours before the appointment. First a lunch stop. The rain did cease a little, so a quick run round to the recently opened Pretty Green shop a purchase made and we decided on a quick walk to the front and a photo opportunity of the pier.
We made our way to the hospital and we were greeted by Mr Yellend by the reception so no hanging around drinking coffee. The day was going very quickly so no thinking time.
The Nuffield is set quite high up about 5 minutes from the sea front, the views were awesome.
Mr Yellend invited us in to his room. He has a very calm approach and very down to earth manner which put us both at ease.
After he had looked at W's chest he automatically told us the procedure he would recommend, sadly it has to be the bigger operation with the scars but as W wants a very flat result a double incision it is!
The consultation lasted about 45 minutes, as Mr Yellend was very informative I didn't have that much to ask and W had been chatting away as if he had known him for years!
So operation to go ahead 6th June. 3 nights in Brighton hopefully the sun will shine.
Not had time yet to dwell, but as I have come to terms with the situation I just want everything to be complete.
Wednesday, 18 April 2012
(49) Benidorm to Brighton!
Was great to have some quality time with W and Matt and also for W and Matt to spend some brotherly time together, I was one proud mum!!
The weather wasn't too hot so W coped fine with the binding, this did bring it home to me how important the next step is for W, I just want him to lead a normal life and have no barriers!!
It is getting much easier for me to call W, W and refer to him as he etc. My two friends also commented on how I was referring to him and how more at ease I appeared. I find this easier around friends and work colleagues, it still feels odd when I refer to W to family members as they still refer to him as she and Rach, going to have to bite the bullet and just do it, they do know who I am talking about!
Monday is getting closer, I have organised the time off with my boss he is so understanding, I always feel guilty when asking especially when I have just returned after a two week break!
I just want this next stage to be over and done with, mixed feelings at the moment.
I don't want to appear negative as I have come a long way, but I'm sure as a mum any fears and feelings of loss I have are normal... My child is having an operation.
I am just a little worried about how I will react, I have learnt so much about my emotions this past year and how out of control they can be.
On the positive side, W is going to be so happy and that makes me happy.
Tuesday, 3 April 2012
(48) Next stop Brighton!!
Had a good, traffic jam free journey to London yesterday. Late afternoon appointment so a more relaxed drive, S came along with us so we made a nice day of it too.
Dr Curtis is more than happy with the T levels and impressed with W's progress and whole outlook, a couple of times he said how 'blokey' he comes across. Dr Curtis is so friendly and very down to earth the whole session is very relaxed, he listens to W and certainly knows how to make him feel good about himself.
I was asked how I was dealing with everything now. At the moment I feel like this is how it's always been, it's the norm!! I had no reservations about yesterday's appointment and can't remember the last time I was on a 'downer'. That's not to say I don't sit and go into deep thought and worry about the future for W, but it's not that often plus I'm allowed I am his mum!
As everything has been rather smooth going lately, I am preparing myself for the next blip!
Dr Curtis has now agreed to do the referral letter to Mr Yelland in order for W to have top surgery. If all goes to plan, W aims to have it done the first week of June, it's half term for me so I have no worries about time off as we will be in Brighton for this, just the consultation appointment prior to the operation, 24th April. I feel calm at the moment but this is such a big irreversible operation, I will be supporting W and I will depend on my family and friends for my emotional support.
Dr Curtis is more than happy with the T levels and impressed with W's progress and whole outlook, a couple of times he said how 'blokey' he comes across. Dr Curtis is so friendly and very down to earth the whole session is very relaxed, he listens to W and certainly knows how to make him feel good about himself.
I was asked how I was dealing with everything now. At the moment I feel like this is how it's always been, it's the norm!! I had no reservations about yesterday's appointment and can't remember the last time I was on a 'downer'. That's not to say I don't sit and go into deep thought and worry about the future for W, but it's not that often plus I'm allowed I am his mum!
As everything has been rather smooth going lately, I am preparing myself for the next blip!
Dr Curtis has now agreed to do the referral letter to Mr Yelland in order for W to have top surgery. If all goes to plan, W aims to have it done the first week of June, it's half term for me so I have no worries about time off as we will be in Brighton for this, just the consultation appointment prior to the operation, 24th April. I feel calm at the moment but this is such a big irreversible operation, I will be supporting W and I will depend on my family and friends for my emotional support.
Sunday, 1 April 2012
(47) London check up
It doesn't seem 5 minutes since we were at Dr Curtis's clinic, now for the check up tomorrow!
W has a late afternoon appointment, he has had his blood test result in hand, so hopefully everything is at the correct levels and Dr Curtis is happy with the hormone dosage.
Everything appears to have happened over night, major changes and one happy W.
W has a late afternoon appointment, he has had his blood test result in hand, so hopefully everything is at the correct levels and Dr Curtis is happy with the hormone dosage.
Everything appears to have happened over night, major changes and one happy W.
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